Archive Posted January 15, 2003 Report Share Posted January 15, 2003 (edited) Wyvern00 Elder of Initiates Posts: 537 (3/15/02 8:51:30 pm) Reply "Final Death" by Orlan -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For those that haven't had a chance to read it yet: Check the Assembly Room I read through it, and it's definatly some great stuff. Good characterization and drama, which are the two things that drive any excellent story. I liked how Talenth was introduced through Usuiai's tale, and turned out to be in the bar all along, correcting Usuiai on his age before casually leaving after having killed the tax collector. Another thing I liked were the various moments of subtle humor, such as when Dayane calls Ippiden "Ippy" or when Ganness recites an 'ode to the chest'. They slightly lightened the mood of an otherwise very serious story, and kept the reader on his toes... I'm uncertain if it's finished yet, since we haven't seen Talenth do his dirty work for the resistance as of yet (though it could be, as we know the immortal vagabond is gonna kick some serious behind ;p). Thus far, my fave character would have to be Dayane, simply because she's the voice of sanity of the story and the rebel that all can relate to. Talenth is also quite interesting, as his presence comes off as quite mysterious... He sort of reminds me of the classic loner ronin with a touch of immortality, a sort of cross between Ogami Itto (of "Lone Wolf and Cub"), Jubei (of "Ninja Scroll"), and the main character of "Blade of the Immortal" (who's name completely slips my mind). Anyway, captivating stuff. ------------------------------ Almost a Dragon... "My life is one big crime, I try to scheme through it." -Common, "The 6th Sense" Owner of the Decanter of Endless Booze. Edited by: Wyvern00 at: 3/15/02 8:55:17 pm Edited March 31, 2003 by Peredhil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted March 17, 2003 Report Share Posted March 17, 2003 [Consolidation!] gwaihir1 Elder of Lists and Poetry Posts: 322 (11/21/02 11:35:48 am) Reply Final Death -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I find it interesting that you begin this story about assassins and rebellion with a homey tavern scene where a kindly bard is indulging kids with an exciting story. It's a story of a myth...that turns out to be true. That's not the only myth in the story that turns out that way either. The lady in white and Mellara are both figures that are only half believed by others, that seem creatures out of myth that come true. I also really like the way Taleth is drawn. He is not the typical assassin hero at all. He feels a need (It's unclear as of yet to me whether it's a need from the gods or an inner need...maybe the point is that it's both by now?) to help people. He uses his immortality interestingly. For someone with his powers he dies a lot too. However, since you told us all to comment, I get to make suggestions too. Frankly, there are parts of the story that feel like they're their to make the story longer. I just don't feel the connection between this Mind Wyrm and the rest of the story. Are you going to wrap this back to the rest? It strikes me that I really can't yet whether the mind wyrm part will feel tied in until it's done. Also, I wish we had more characterization of Mellara. She seems interesting, but we don't get as much of her body langauge and nature as we do of Talleth. Take my advice or ignore it, but either way know that I think this story is awesome. I enjoy it greatly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted March 17, 2003 Report Share Posted March 17, 2003 Alrighty, It's done with....finally! So anywho, I'm happy it's done, feel free to read...critique....yell at, make fun of, enjoy, or anything else. I'm off to start a new story now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tamaranis Posted March 17, 2003 Report Share Posted March 17, 2003 I just thought I'd mention that the whole of the thing was great. Vestat supposedly stealing Taleth's immortality was particularly good. I don't really have much to say other than that it was interesting enough that I read the whole thing in one go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted March 30, 2003 Report Share Posted March 30, 2003 WARNING to those who haven't read the story: this commentary contains spoilers. As promised, I began from the beginning of "Final Death" again and read through the whole thing yesterday evening and today. Overall, it's definitely an excellent story and I highly recommend it to all of those who haven't checked it out yet. It may appear long at a glance, but the storyline is so captivating and exciting that it shouldn't take you more than one or two days to finish it. Having said this, here are some of my thoughts on the piece: To me, "Final Death" is almost divided into two seperate stories: that of the resistance's battle against Vestat, and that of the journey into Taleth's memories in search of the Mind Wyrm. While the convention of traveling into someone's mind through sorcery has been used previously in countless stories and adventures, I think it was incorporated very well here. It helped the reader sympathize with Taleth and expanded the assassin's character, which is always something difficult to do with loner/anti-hero types. Interestingly enough, I guessed the identity of Taleth's "mystery tactician" from the moment the unknown "she" character was first introduced, largely because of Usuiai's tale of the supernatural murder at the very beginning. After the story ended, I was at first a bit disappointed that it was never revealed whether or not Taleth was the actual murderer of Rysabella, and if so who had hired him... Having thought about it further, however, perhaps it's best left to the readers imagination. If it interests you, my hypothesis was actually that the Sorcereror Kor, responsible for uniting the four kingdoms, had decided to murder Rysabella through Taleth for some political reason... In terms of style, "Final Death" reads almost like a polar opposite of "Gaze of Eternity" to me in a very good way. While "Gaze" has lots of discussion and introspection speckled with moments of action, "Final Death" keeps the reader hooked with it's fastpaced storyline and constant excitement. The drama of the story is largely displayed through the actions of the characters, making the moments where it's displayed through dialogue all the more powerfull. As in any excellent story, the reader grows more and more attached to the characters as he reads through it, and finds himself frequently sympathizing with them. Lots of awesome, memorable moments in this piece, too many to list here... A few of my favorites were: when it's revealed that the Mind Wyrm slightly alters one's memory and we suddenly realize what the whole thing with Rachel looking straight at Dayane was about (I was wondering why that was put in there, and it dawned on me immediatly!), the scene where Taleth finally realizes he must be sane since somebody else see's Rysabella and lets out an honest laugh, the part at the very beginning when Taleth corrects Usuiai about his age, the scene near the end when Dayane realizes Taleth is alive due to 250 gold being stolen from the treasury, the abrupt moments of comedy (such as Rysabella and Dayane becoming entranced by Taleth's good looks and Ganness' ode to Silest's chest), the final dialogue exchange we hear between Taleth and Rysabella as they walk off (they each say what the other normally would have said... brilliant!), etc., etc. I'm interested... what's your favorite moment of the piece as it's author, Orlan? In terms of things to improve... There's one grammatical problem which continously reoccurs and definitely needs editting: the distinction between 'were' and 'where'. This is probably just the honest fault of quick typing, but in case it isn't, 'where' always referrs to a place while 'were' referrs to an action. I noticed a few other sloppy grammatical errors, but this one stood out the most since the two words are pronounced differently. There was also a part of the story that I didn't feel was connected to well, which is in the fourth post down when a segment ends and it cuts to "Dayane swore to herself as she nearly slipped on the cobblestone." Perhaps it would be better to start it with "The plans had gone flawlessly for the last two weeks..." and then describe Dayane's position. Also, the means by which Vestat kills Taleth is too "Final Fantasy VIII" for my tastes... ;p Aside from this, the last post of the story was accidentaly posted twice in the thread, and thus the first one (which doesn't have the very ending of the story) should be deleted. Some things that I would have liked to have seen that never came up: a battle between Rilav and Ippiden (clash of the lesser sorcerors!), more of a role for Severath, and stronger emotions between Dayane and Taleth (though I guess that'd be kinda weird, with Rysabella living inside him ;p). Excellent and captivating stuff Orlan! The kind of story one always feels a little sad to finish... Can't wait for the next of your works! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted March 31, 2003 Report Share Posted March 31, 2003 Hehe, I have a couple of people around me who I have given the story to read and I get pestered to tell them who hired Taleth. That's the usual end question they ask after reading it My favorite part is a little biased since I can clearly see it all in my head but things might have come out differently on paper. My favorite scene is when Mellara and Vestat clash in the tower. I've always been a sucker for epic magical battles. As to the stuff to improve - Lemme tell you how annoyed I get at myself with 'where' and were' It's actually a disfunction from typing so fast and the mind set. I know I do it but I always miss them That and working on my grammer is sooooooooo boring lol. And I'm not seeing the alignment between FF8 and the death scene....but then again it's been a while since I beat FF8...and my subconscious prolly thought that was an original idea because I had seen it somewhere else before lol. Other stuff: Severath I made up at the end of the story and I found I liked him so I was kinda mad I didn't think him up earlier. He is a neat character. Rilav and Ippy - Heehee...you have a point. With Dayane and Taleth...I always thought of the relationship more like a sibling relationship. Taleth's more like an older brother who kicks people on thier way. Besides, I don't think Taleth needs more nagging women in his life sicne he has one that goes with him everywhere w00t, thanks for the feedback Wyvie....it makes me want to go and finish the rest of Gaze from where I stopped last time lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 31, 2003 Report Share Posted March 31, 2003 Read this. This is an example of why Orlan is Elder of Bards. It also shows that excellence cannot be hidden by minor grammar imperfections - when your Muse calls, don't get hung up on tying your shoes - chase her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted March 31, 2003 Report Share Posted March 31, 2003 I've been reading this story all along and all I can say at this point is "amazing" Ill write up something more intelligent than that after I get done drooling on your talents. ^__^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted March 31, 2003 Report Share Posted March 31, 2003 mm lovely, wet gooey talents Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted March 31, 2003 Report Share Posted March 31, 2003 *sniffles* oops, might be alittle demon snot in there too. *rubs her arm across her nose* *sniffles* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted March 31, 2003 Report Share Posted March 31, 2003 Hands her a handy hanky for her drippy demonic nasal leakage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted March 31, 2003 Report Share Posted March 31, 2003 ::Orlan, awash in the gooey flood of torrential uh goo..... holds his work above water....er goo:: Save the manuscript! Save the manuscript!!!! EEK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted April 4, 2003 Report Share Posted April 4, 2003 The death scene of Taleth and the supposed death scene of Squall in FF8 were kind of similar to me since Squall is shot through the chest by Edea's gigantic ice rod and Rinoa immediatly rushes over and starts clawing his body in disbelief (kind of similar to Rysabella), just to clear up why I made that association. ;-) There's actually one other thing I'd have liked to have seen in the story which I forgot to mention in my last post. I think it would have been awesome if at one point in the story, the mortals (i.e Dayane, Orthar, etc.) have a large disagreement with the course of action taken by the above-mortals (i.e Taleth, Mallera, etc.), and for once the mortals turn out to be right. After all, even after several hundred years of conditioning, the occasional slight mistake or miscalculation would be only human... ;-) Once again, great work O! Still replaying this story vividly in my mind... In a word: memorable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quincunx Posted August 26, 2003 Report Share Posted August 26, 2003 I've been enjoying and proofreading the printed manuscript for this for the past two weeks or so (LOTS of dead time in airports and on planes. . .and this was better than anything the bookstore had to offer). Going to go through it a few more times first, but one thing I simply cannot make any progress upon: What is Aline and what is Anlise, if they are different geographical areas and not a variable spelling? P.S. Don't know whether I'll mail the manuscript from here or hang onto it 'til I return to the U.S. Either way, it'll return with at least two different colors of ink upon it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orlan Posted August 27, 2003 Report Share Posted August 27, 2003 That is probably me forgetting what I had called it origionally and thinking it was something else. They should be the name of the capital and they should be the same. It's a variable spelling error. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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