Theoretically possible

[jonadine]

Falling in love

With a broken heart

 

Trying to breathe

underwater

 

I am swimming

In wet concrete

 

Walking on

fractured limbs

 

Splintered bones

grinding through skin

 

Awakening sweat-slick

And frozen

 

Guilt shuddering

through me

 

Approaching

the ending of possibility

 

Unafraid

With an implacable mien

 

Quietly considering

The primal scream

 

Silence and sleep

Await me

 

I am determined

to seek peace

 

this is only

theoretically possible

Edited June 2, 2012 by Jomeansme

[Peredhil]

You're one of the ones whose writing gives me the energy to keep coming back to the Pen to read. Evocative and lyrically painful.

[reverie]

Falling in love, with a broken heart (Make Title, but can still keep it as the first line too)

 

Trying to breathe

underwater

 

I am swimming (this stanza and the next 4 are gold)

In wet concrete

 

Walking on

fractured limbs

 

Splintered bones

grinding through skin

 

Awakening sweat-slick

And frozen

 

Guilt shuddering

through me

 

Approaching

the ending of possibility (You start losing me here)

 

Unafraid

With an implacable mien (so not sure what you mean here, it's like saying "demeanor that can't be soothed," which implies that your outwardly showing strong emotion, but is that what you're going for? I would think you would want to highlight the opposite. "Impeccable" might work if you were going for that).

 

Quietly considering

The primal scream (rhyme is a limitation. Hmm, but what do you actually mean by Primal Scream? Rage, Grief, Hurt, Orgasm???)

 

Silence and sleep

Await me

 

I am determined

to seek peace (So this line, seems like it is alluding to a lot, but a lot that has been left unsaid. I think you're going for the illuminating the conflict of trying to love someone, while you're still recovering from deep hurt, but you haven't taken me along for the ride, so your last line fall flat for me. I see pain, but not the love)

 

this is only

theoretically possible. (Could work, but as said above, I'm not there with you yet).

Edited November 23, 2012 by reverie

[jonadine]

This poem is about depression and contemplating suicide. It was intended to be a cipher, however I am going to rewrite it at some point to be cleaner and clearer. The first five stanzas are introducing the paralyzing nature of depression, how it feels like doing anything is too hard, like swimming in concrete. the next two are the fear and guilt associated with planning your own death, knowing how your family would feel, The next five deal with the certainty that death is the only way out, that the situation is too intolerable to live with, and the concurrent fearlessness in the face of death since its a relief from the pain of living. The last stanza is the kicker, an attempt, albeit clumsy, to negate the contemplation of suicide as an option.