Patrick Posted April 20, 2011 Report Share Posted April 20, 2011 thunder again the sound rolls by lightning strikes far in the eastern sky -smells of rain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted April 21, 2011 Report Share Posted April 21, 2011 Simple, clear, concise. Nothing left to take away. You, my old friend, should be musetickled more often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted May 16, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 16, 2011 silence a light breath shatters darkness a lone flame pierces a defiant thought in the void beauty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted June 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 (hah! a poem with a title!) Inspiration like a single thought lifted on a fickle breeze a spark gives newfound life to a soaring flame but without wood to burn it silently sputters out Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted November 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2011 Away the faint drizzle of rain as your blood drains - drains away thunder is near pounding in your ears - pounding away prospects are slim as your vision dims -going away Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katzaniel Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Oooh. Patrick writes poetry. And it's good. I really like this last one. Well, it's pretty grim imagery (not necessarily a bad thing, true), but I love the sounds of the words! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted November 30, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 30, 2011 Thanks Katz. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted May 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2012 The Writer jumbled thoughts jotted down fragments of a perfect vision shaking hands unfaithful transcribers of something perfect second hand retelling of a vivid imagination unfaithful story imperfect Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 9, 2012 Report Share Posted June 9, 2012 Really convey so much with the terse structure. The line breaks and format give visual impact to the words. Can't believe I haven't seen this thread before. Do keep writing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted October 22, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Just a short part of a poem that came to me while at work, which I wanted to get written down before it was forgotten. There is a character (of an unwritten story) associated with it, but nothing much else to go with it yet... The thrill of the kill That familiar chill Down your spine Edit: Hmmmm and an alternative, not sure which one is stronger: The thrill of the kill That sends a chill Down your spine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Crow Posted October 22, 2012 Report Share Posted October 22, 2012 Depends on what your after. The first one seems like a man/woman speaking of that feeling that you get you you kill somethin; more familiar type of kill. While the other sound like he/she is saying how the kill sends a chill down your spine; a type of kill. Hopefully that makes sense and helps some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azuran Posted October 23, 2012 Report Share Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) Always fun stuff, Patrick I prefer "that familiar chill"--it's less choppy and has that extra hint of a more interesting character behind the words... Edited October 23, 2012 by Azuran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harmonious_Echos Posted October 24, 2012 Report Share Posted October 24, 2012 Methinks this is where Muse has been hiding. Don't worry, I'm not jealous--I don't mind sharing her (to a point!). Just tell her she has to tickle me too once in a while! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted October 25, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 She's a bit fickle And doesn't tickle Very often Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harmonious_Echos Posted October 25, 2012 Report Share Posted October 25, 2012 to amuse a muse one must digress into extra-curricular randomness. hehehe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistress Muse Posted October 31, 2012 Report Share Posted October 31, 2012 this muse's tickle is too free and occasionally prickly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeldrinHor Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 I must confess, to my own distress, the fickleness of Fate and Muse and Karma, Leave me little time for seeking my own ends Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) Good bare bones style. But, I believe you could take the efficiently impulse a step or two further. Like so: Beauty (could make Title) silence a light breath darkness a lone flame a thought defiant *** hmm, or how 'bout this. *** A Thought Defiant (make title) silence a light breath darkness a lone flame beauty Edited November 24, 2012 by reverie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Original Inspiration like a single thought lifted on a fickle breeze a spark gives newfound life to a soaring flame but without wood to burn it silently sputters out My suggest / edits: Inspiration like a single thought lifted on a fickle breeze, a spark gives life to a soaring flame, but without wood to burn, it silently sputters Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Titles are tools, play with them. I am say embrace this minimalist style. You have knack for it. Original thunder again the sound rolls by lightning strikes far in the eastern sky -smells of rain My suggest / edits Eastern Skies thunder again lightning strike -smells of rain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) Original Away the faint drizzle of rain as your blood drains - drains away thunder is near pounding in your ears - pounding away prospects are slim as your vision dims -going away * * * my suggest / edits Away the faint drizzle as blood drains and drains (doesn't really make sense, but instinct says it will pay) and drains thunder is near, pounding, pounding in your ears prospects slim as your vision dims, going away Edited November 24, 2012 by reverie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) Hmm, this almost riddle, let's make it even more almost one using that goldie, but oldie, "make the last line refer back to the title." It begs for completion, like an incomplete perfect authentic cadence in music, people automatically want to complete it in their head. Add in something unexpected and unknown, and you create pleasure as brain tries to wrap it's head around this novel thing you put before it. So saith the NPR. cheers, rev... Original She's a bit fickle And doesn't tickle Very often my suggests / edits Often (title) She's a bit fickle And doesn't tickle Edited November 24, 2012 by reverie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) Original to amuse a muse one must digress into extra-curricular randomness. * * * Perfect, don't change a thing, except maybe you could lose the period, maybe; I don't know, I'm not convinced. cheers, rev... Edited November 24, 2012 by reverie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) The Writer jumbled thoughts jotted down fragments of a perfect vision (try nixing the "a", and add "perfected vison"; shifts it a little, huh?) shaking hands unfaithful transcribers scribes (efficiency is your strength, embrace it young Hemingway) of something perfect (no need to lay it on too thick for people) a second hand retelling (phrasing, it's all about phrasing) of a vivid imagination (works as is, but hmmm, if you want to stretch a little, try "of a vivid imagined" / "of a vivid imagined thing" breaking the rules is half the fun) a unfaithful story (works as is, but my edits make it yearn for an article here, yours may do otherwise) imperfect Edited November 24, 2012 by reverie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 24, 2012 Report Share Posted November 24, 2012 Hmm, as you say, 'tis a fragment, it will be interesting to see if you do more with it. But, have you considered this. Am not saying do it, but having fun with structure while brainstorming is well...fun. Original The thrill of the kill That familiar chill Down your spine * * * Lala The thrill of the kill that familiar down your spine chill even more fun: The trill of the kill (that will mess with them. Heck, that's fodder for a whole poem there) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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