emilycch Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 Marcia doesn't sleep so good, not since those pale kids from Out Of Town started Kicking over dustbins and stealing vinegary kisses round back of the chippy - there is a strange sense of comfort taken when one can feel and smell the seasons starting to change as the pohutakawas in the lane turn parrot-red and you know that going back to the other side of the world is unavoidable, so you take a little longer to look around as you hear the static buzzing around the hot streets. instead, you kick off your jandals and avoid the newspapers, buddy. when you start running several lives, it's easy to forget what you're in any of them for. Marcia plays connect four to help her fall asleep and she doesn't even think of where the world is waking up or that perhaps, maybe, there's a reason why the sun comes up here first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Excellent poem, meowmarino. :-) The structure and phrasing are both great, with lots of colorful vocabulary and plenty of unique details that stand out to me. One thing that I really appreciate about this poem is that it's not predictable in the least, which keeps its direction and subject matter very interesting the whole way through. My favorite part of the poem was probably the final stanza, where the intriguing themes of location and identity in the poem are tied together with the sun rise observation. The whole poem was well done, though... I really like the "pohutakawas" in the second stanza, though the reference to the second person of the stanza as "buddy" at the end threw me off at first. Looking at it again, it is interesting in its placement there for the way that the line reads by itself. Anyway, this is very well done meowmarino. :-) Thanks for sharing it here, and welcome to the Pen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emilycch Posted February 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thank you! thanks for taking the time to comment, it's much appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozymandias Posted February 29, 2008 Report Share Posted February 29, 2008 This one I'll have to reread more times than this to fully understand, but it's got such a storyteller by the fire voice, that I think I'll enjoy it every time. :>) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted March 8, 2008 Report Share Posted March 8, 2008 (edited) You second stanza is pure gold, but the first could use some minor tweaking. Marcia doesn't sleep so good, not since those pale kids from out of town started (no need to capitalize the phrase as is). Kicking over dustbins (ditto, "kicking" connects line 2 to 3. If you want emphasis more, try italics, quotes, or all caps. Still you would need to justify the emphasis some how). and stealing vinegary kisses round back of the chippy - there is a strange sense of comfort taken when one can feel and smell the seasons starting to change as the pohutakawas in the lane turn parrot-red and you know that going back to the other side of the world is unavoidable, so you take a little longer to look around as you hear the static buzzing around the hot streets. instead, you kick off your jandals and (hmm, maybe should capitalize "Jandals" since you are referring to a specific brand of sandals, maybe...) avoid the newspapers, buddy. when you start running several lives, it's easy to forget what you're in any of them for. (Could do several thing here. Substitute a colon/common for the period or rephrase: "it's easy to forget why you're in any of them" or "it's easy to forget you're in any of them") Marcia plays connect four to help her fall asleep and she doesn't even think of where the world is waking up or that perhaps, maybe, there's a reason why the sun comes up her Edited March 8, 2008 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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