GeldrinHor Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 I present to you, mine own published poem, written in 2002 and put out this very year by Watermark Press. The Fading of the Light Once upon a morning dreary, A knight awoke, his body weary, His life is given unto the fight, his sword, it flashes in the night, to defeat the Fading of the Light. For kingdoms, fiefs and countries all, his sword arm always answers the call, his shield would rise against the night, aim ever true, with shoulders tight, he fought the fading of the light. Devils he fought, and demons too, his heart, stone hard, would ignore the view, of blood and bone and courage and fright, of battling day against the night, and on they fought the Fading of the light. And once the battles have all died down, and the trees surrounding have all turned brown, the warriors walk off into the night, the gods smile down on a glorious sight, once again defeated, the Fading of the Light. Jeffrey Michael Mongillo Copyright ©2007 Jeffrey Michael Mongillo As I said, this was written in 2002, while still a member of the Legion of the White Rose on Ager 1 of old Terra Lost. I had originally thought it published back then, but never saw the copyright date on it until now, which rather surprised even me... I just hope it carries over as much meaning now as it did back then! Enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 I'm not much of a poet, but I know what I like. Excellent work! Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 (edited) Narrative Homage to Poe. But, in couplets with perfect rhyme throughout. That's bold. hmm, well let's have a look. The Fading of the Light Once upon a morning dreary, a knight awoke, his body weary, His life is giving unto fight, (passive construction) his sword, it flashes in the night, to defeat the Fading of the Light. //(Consider, if sword is flashing in the night, hasn't the light already faded?) For kingdoms, fiefs and countries all, his sword arm always answers the call, (you're forcing it here: rhythm wise). his shield would rise against the night, aim ever true, with shoulders tight, he fought the fading of the light.// Devils he fought, and demons too, (Devils plural = demons // Could try Spirits or Horrors constrasted with demons, but if you're being archaic you might as well say daemons too) his heart, stone hard, would ignore the view, (common not needed, line break does it for you.) of blood and bone and courage and fright, of battling pitting day against the night, and on they fought the Fading of the light. *Okay, I get it, you're going for old speak/style. If you're going to that, then you need to make your refrain stronger rhythmically. Easiest way to do that is by variation. Like change "Fading of the Light" to "Fading light" OR you could examine the ancient forms of the Ballad or the Ballade and mimic them. And once the battles have all died down, and the trees surrounding have all turned brown, the warriors walk off into the night, the gods smile down on a glorious sight, once again defeated, the Fading of the Light. Edited February 9, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeldrinHor Posted February 10, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2007 (edited) Narrative Homage to Poe. But, in couplets with perfect rhyme throughout. That's bold. hmm, well let's have a look. Glad you caught this... The Fading of the Light Once upon a morning dreary, a knight awoke, his body weary, His life is giving unto fight, (passive construction) his sword, it flashes in the night, to defeat the Fading of the Light. //(Consider, if sword is flashing in the night, hasn't the light already faded?) no, that's just it, how can a sword flash withOUT light? it is, after all, a reflection of some light source that flashes! For kingdoms, fiefs and countries all, his sword arm always answers the call, (you're forcing it here: rhythm wise). Perhaps I should use "his sword arm answering the call" here instead, to even the flow of rythm? his shield would rise against the night, aim ever true, with shoulders tight, he fought the fading of the light.// Devils he fought, and demons too, (Devils plural = demons // Could try Spirits or Horrors constrasted with demons, but if you're being archaic you might as well say daemons too)Colloquialisms be damned... his heart, stone hard, would ignore the view, (common not needed, line break does it for you.) of blood and bone and courage and fright, of battling pitting day against the night, I like your thought...better word phras(e)ology and on they fought the Fading of the light. *Okay, I get it, you're going for old speak/style. If you're going to that, then you need to make your refrain stronger rhythmically. Easiest way to do that is by variation. Like change "Fading of the Light" to "Fading light" OR you could examine the ancient forms of the Ballad or the Ballade and mimic them. And once the battles have all died down, and the trees surrounding have all turned brown, the warriors walk off into the night, the gods smile down on a glorious sight, once again defeated, the Fading of the Light. Keep in mind, at the time I wrote this, I was going into a period of depression (finally defeated that frustrating mindset 2 yrs ago.....feeling MUCH better now. ). Most of my writings, poems, haikus and such are self-taught as far as prior study goes. I took no formal writing training outside the public school basic curriculum. No Creative writing courses, no poetry classes....just my own little mind, ever-trying to expand the known Universe...and an imagination so vivid it could cut diamonds. I am, to be perfectly honest, fairly set to live life with a rather short attention span, (ADD, ADHD, short attention span theatre, what have you) and so my inspirations to write come mostly from small spurts that I have to piece together as I go. It's one reason I work so hard and so long trying to flesh out the mannerisms and character traits of my online personas (in games, at least). Well, that, and I don't write down on PAPER enough of the ideas that flash before my eyes, instead choosing to float it off into one of my mental storerooms for absorption into one of my character backgrounds I keep stored in there. It's one of the reasons I am NOT currently a world renowned Fantasy Sci-Fi writer.....lousy habits. LOL. Being a truck driver, it's not like I can just pull over and dig out the computer to jot these things down, or even grab a pad and pen(cil) to keep it fresh. Business is, well...being busy! Edited February 10, 2007 by GeldrinHor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted February 10, 2007 Report Share Posted February 10, 2007 (edited) Cool, cool. Sorry if my comments are a little harsh. I'm currently taking my 5th consecutive creative writing workshop now, and it kind of makes me tend to be very direct in my comments, maybe a little too much. That said, for having no formal training it ain't bad. Hell, I wrote similarly just a couple years ago. And really, I should have tempered my comments more since you're new here. No shame in truck driving. I was mechanic in the army back in the late 90's. Still, if you like Poe or anyone else keep reading, or do the Audio books thing. (I love audio books!). You'd might be surprised how much you pick up by paying close attention to someone that's paid his dues. That's what musicians do. And yeah depression sucks, been there. Writing's a good release/escape for a while that is... best of luck, rev... Edited February 10, 2007 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whisky in Babylon Posted February 11, 2007 Report Share Posted February 11, 2007 Wow I really enjoyed this! I loved how it is very much a story and a epic story at that. Heh I cant help but be jealous at the same time because for the life of me I cant rhyme consistently so I greatly admire those who can and can do it cleverly like you have, well done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeldrinHor Posted February 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2007 Rev....your criticisms were neither harsh, nor uncalled for. I have, from time to time, taken a long hard look at this poem, trying to find small flow bindups and looking for alternative ways to fix them. Your ideas were very welcome. Oh,....and I'm not really new here....just been in hibernation a bit longer than nature had intended... Whisky: Hmmm...thank you very kindly for your words. Poe was an inspiration from my childhood....back in the 60's, I read my first Poe short story in second grade (don't recall the story title off hand) and by the time I was in 5th grade I had read 40% of his works (stories, shorts, poems and novels). It wasn't really until I started into Jr High (7th and 8th grade) that my teachers took an interest in having me explore poets and writers outside that small scope. I have to admit, schools on the opposite sides of the country have very differing styles of teaching. I started grade school in my home state of California, then attended 2 thru 5th grades in Virginia and North Carolina, returned to Cali for 6th grade, before finishing my schooling in Arizona. It can be a bit disjointed, being a military brat, but it does have it's advantages as well. I did develop an affinity for a wide variety of subject matter, and drew inspiration from MANY sources. Anyway...I'll go over that some time when I am not wasting everyone's space... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted February 12, 2007 Report Share Posted February 12, 2007 I don't have much to offer criticism-wise, but I did really enjoy this poem. And congratulations on having gotten it published! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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