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The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Reading into Names

Gyrfalcon

By Gyrfalcon
in Cabaret Room Archives

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Gyrfalcon

Gyrfalcon

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Gyrfalcon cleared his throat as the Cabaret Room slowly filled. "Thank you all for coming here. Wyvern has... convinced me..." he breaks off as Wyvern cheered, shaking his hands together in a fist above his head. "Quiet in the peanut gallery, Wyv."

 

Wyvern lowered his hands and blushed a little, his red scales turning a bit brighter across his cheeks. Daryl chuckled from where he sat next to the Almost-Dragon.

 

"Anyway, before Wyvern interrupted me... Wyvern convinced me to use an experimental Almost-Dragonic Product... the Almost Dragonic Name Discombobulater." Gyrfalcon said. At the mention that Wyvern's product was the object sitting on the stage beside Gyrfalcon, several members of the crowd began to discreetly back up, raise wards, or eye their seats for the potential to take cover.

 

Wyvern stood up "Yes, for only 100,000 geld per minute of use, this finely crafted Almost Dragonic-"

 

"No Wyv, you lent it to me, remember? Free of charge?" Gyrfalcon said.

 

"Oh... yah." Wyvern said, deflating as he sat down again, the fox next to him snickering louder.

 

"Now, now... Wyv's assured me that it won't explode... this time, so let's get this show on the road, shall we? For the purposes of this demonstration, we chose a random selection of Pennites to use with this, so without further ado..." Gyrfalcon said, tapping a name into the machine and pressing the button. The machine clanked and rattled and bounced side to side before unsteadily printing out a sheet of paper.

 

"Wow... it worked." Gyrfalcon said, taking the sheet.

 

"Our first Pennite run through this machine is Dros. According to it, his name is pronounced 'Drooz,' and meant to imply droozing on Almost Dragonic Brand Investments™. Stop sleeping and smell the coacoa beans, there's geld to be had!"

 

"A famous Dros in history would be the Dros that came about when tribe of drow elves disowned Wyvern's Almost Dragonic Brand Webcrawler Search Drow-ser Engine™ by dropping the 'W' from the name of their race. The claims were fabricated, as the Drow-ser remains 'The Search Engine that Sticks' to this day!"

 

Gyrfalcon lowered the sheet to look at Wyvern as the chuckling and snickers moved through the crowd. Wyvern fidgeted with his claws and gave Gyrfalcon a thumbs up to continue. The half-elf set the page aside and looked at Wyvern. "Are you sure this is working right?"

 

Wyvern raised a thumb "Of course it is! Keep going!" he shouted, grinning nervously.

 

Gyrfalcon shook his head and typed another name into the machine. The bouncing had increased, and inside, the sound of small parts bouncing around could be heard. Despite that, the machine dutifully produced the next sheet.

 

"For Lone Shadow, this device says says that this name stems from the words 'Loan' (Lone) and 'Shady Business Exec' (Shadow). It first began to be used when the Great Imperial Almighty Wyvern discoevered that taxing shadows was a perfectly legitimate form of extortion."

 

The laughter was growing, but Gyrfalcon pressed on with a smirk on his face, holding back his own chuckles at the results of Wyvern's machine.

 

"A famous Lone Shadow in history is the future shadow of the only person who didn't invest in Almost Dragonic Brand Ultraviolent Ogre Darkrooms™. That person will also probably be behind on paying their shadow taxes."

 

Gyrfalcon grinned. "Moving right along, we come to mai_takekaze."

 

The machine churned back and forth like a washer with an off-balance load, and faint wisps of smoke rose from the corners. The next sheet came out with a corner singed.

 

"mai_takekaze, Wyvern's machine stats that your name means '"Get that thing away from me." Gyrfalcon said, then broke off and looked at Wyvern. "Weren't you working on this while Stoomp had the Travel Log in your office with you?"

 

Wyvern twiddled his claws more quickly. "Maaaaybe."

 

"Ah... that'd explain it." Gyrfalcon said, lifting the paper again to read from it. ""This name is related to the famous Almost Dragonic slogan 'me take kazee,' a loose toglyodyte slang concerning Almost Dragonic Brand Krazy Fish Stench Sewage Aftershave™. A famous use of the slogan involved a troglyodyte wading in a pirahna-infested stream, but that's another story."

 

Wyvern piped up "On sale now at your local Almost Dragonic Almost New Book Store! Only 500 geld for this riveting novel!"

 

Gyrfalcon set the sheet on top of the first two. "The next Pennite we'll be testing with this machine is srsizzy."

 

This time, the machine didn't bounce, it shook violently, smoke streaming up from every crack. The paper didn't arrive singed, it came with one corner burning merrily, and Gyrfalcon had to quickly snuff the flame before the paper was lost to it.

 

"This thing is safe, right Wyv?" Gyrfalcon asked suspiciously.

 

"Perfectly!" Wyvern said with a queasy grin as the machine continued to smoke.

 

Sighing, the half-elf raised the page with the charred corner and read "Srsizzy, your name... according to Wyv's machine... means 'serious sizzling,' and is being considered being used as a key name in the advertising of Almost Dragonic Brand Avian Flying Pans™ (buy one now, and recieve free scalding hot oil-in-a-pot!). It originates from the from the historical figure Sir Sizzle, a chef who innovated in the culinary arts of frying until he found himself in a giant's stirfry."

 

"Now, there's only one more person to try with this machine... hopefully it'll hold up."

 

Gyrfalcon typed in the name and stepped back prudently as the machine shook violently, gouts of smoke rising from every opening. "I suggest we take cover now." Gyrfalcon said, stepping off the stage and ducking. The rest of the crowd followed suit, as the trembling increased with a rising whine. The machine shook and bounced in place for a long minute before settling down. Daryl peeked over the edge of the chair in front of him, and then a premonition of danger made him duck again.

 

The machine exploded violently, parts whirling in every direction. Wards sparked here and there as flying pieces brushed the top of them, but eventually the cataclysm ended, and everyone came out of hiding. Gyrfalcon stared at the stage and then sighed as he saw the blackened spot where the machine once was. "Wyv, you do know that's being added to your debt, right?"

 

Wyvern whimpered and nodded. Gyrfalcon sighed. "Well, I was going to offer one last person, but-" he said, breaking off as something landed on his head. He reached up and took one last sheet of paper, somehow untouched by the explosion that ejected it from Wyvern's machine.

 

"Well, guess I can." Gyrfalcon said, jumping back onto the stage. "Zepheri! Your name means... according to the pile of scrap to my right... means that 'Flight of the Zephyr' may have at least one natural admirer! The name first came about when a child named Zeph was born with hair already on his head, though his existence proved to be a rather ephemeral affair."

 

"A famous Zepheri in history is the notorious Zepheretic, a guy born with hair on his head who later turned against the barber nation with the aid of Almost Dragonic Brand Aristocratic Tumbleweed Wigs™. His time was shortlived, but he went out in (the latest hair) style!"

 

Tossing the page over his shoulder, Gyrfalcon grinned. "Thank you for your good grace as the meaning of your names was mangled, I hope it was worth a bit of humor to you. The real reason you were all called here were two purposes. For many of you, it was to witness the following ceremony. For some of you, you happen to be the guests of honor to this ceremony. Dros, Lone Shadow, mai_takekaze, and srsizzy, please step up here."

 

The four hesitantly approached the stage and eyed the still-smoldering pile of metal that had been Wyvern's machine.

 

"To the four of you, Congratulations. You have advanced in rank and are no longer Initiates, but Pages. Congratulations, it is a promotion well-deserved, and I hope to see you continue to grow here at the Pen." Gyrfalcon said, shaking each of their hands.

 

"And now for Zepheri! Please step up here as well." She did so hesitently. "Zepheri, you were a Page, but you likewise have advanced in rank. Congratulations, Quill-Bearer, you also deserve your new rank. I hope to read more of your story." Gyrfalcon said, shaking her hand and then gently turning the five to face the crowd. "Congratulate our new Pages and Quill-Bearer, my friends, they deserve it."

 

Quick Edit: For anyone who's interested, I used the webpage here to generate these results. :)

Edit #2: Wyvern has helpful extended his own efforts to make this occasion even more Almost Dragonic. Many thanks Wyv!

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