Tattered Posted July 24, 2005 Report Share Posted July 24, 2005 So this is a sort of re-work of a previous piece. I was going on some critques that I received. Let me know what you think. Motionless so as not to upset the bruises. Body aches from a dangerous cycle, everybody loses. Sadness enters, followed by great anger. Child to Mother never protected by those who're said to love her. Every joy, every success chokes for air. Like a flame under foot - you like to see me there. Your way is the only way, I have no worth. Question me, you never believed in me. Father, King of Hurt. Loveless life of fear and negativity: The life you lived and know so well. This your gift? Your legacy? Mothers 3, that never loved me. Neglected and forsaken bordering insanity. Lesson - Beauty’s skin deep. One who left and abandoned me Two who harmed and hated me Three’s a charm, and charmed she did, Till truth arrived in perfect form With boundless fury, no one can rid. YOU’RE the artist of what you live. Blame the man blame the moon but Life delivers what you give. She’s friendless, selfish, blind and unfair. Yet skilled, and deep - a perfect friend Until you near the heart, beware! It’s no wonder, to him I cleaved 8 years of sorrow, disappointment and grief I had no view of what life could be. Disassociation was my saving grace. Guardian Angels and God filled the empty space. Somewhere along the road of a wounded life, Beyond tragedy, trial and err, I found my way into the light. My flame does shine from time to time. In stormy wind I may flicker and fade Yet still I stand - a burning witness for faith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted July 25, 2005 Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 FANTASTIC! To think that gem was sitting up inside your skull and all you needed was a tiny push to get it out! I think you can see yourself the difference in the tale. This one has a beginning, a middle, an end, a journey, realisations, premonitions - its got it all! Its not just a description but has a LOT of angles that the reader can get stuck into There is just enough vagueness throughout that allow the readers minds of their own as to what is being discussed, what is happening. I think that aspect suits your piece well. Because despite coming across as a very personal piece, this poem goes a long way into giving the reader great insight without giving too much. In so far as it continues to flow and move along without getting "stuck" on personal hang-ups too long. So its personal but practical. This poem has a lot of very likeable traits some of which I have mentioned above. The thing that binds all these traits together to give it that strength of character and depth of meaning as a poem is the structure you have used. You built the poem up. It starts off in a wandering manner but becomes mroe and more focused as it goes along. Its like waking from a dream somewhat groggy but the world around quickly focuses into a recognisable shape and pattern. "Your way is the only way, I have no worth. Question me, you never believed in me. Father, King of Hurt." This stanza blew me away. Its honesty, bluntness and very direct accusation is both striking and painful. For one to call their father, the King of Hurt and mean it lends the reader some inkling of the enormity of Hurt the protagonist faced. (Being from a family such as that I can certainly identify with the sentiment - just wished I'd thought of the stanza first ). Then the stanza is followed masterfully by: "Loveless life of fear and negativity: The life you lived and know so well. This your gift? Your legacy?" All children DO look to their parents for guidance. Having been from a family in which both parents are quite "stupid" with regard to their responsibilities in those roles, I can again very much identify with the gravity of this stanza. The parent of the protagonist in this instance has no sense of the responsibility of their position or role. The fact that the protagonist relaises this in a questionning manner shows a glimpse into the mind of the protagonist. We can see how much further advanced a mind he/she has compared with the mind(s) that he/she was raised by, and not in an arrogant or superior fashion, but humbly so in a questionning manner. The you go on to describe the "3" you brought up regarding mothers in a quick paced and well structured manner. Suddenly the poem BURSTS into a realisation with: "YOU’RE the artist of what you live. Blame the man blame the moon but Life delivers what you give." That paragraph has just the right amount of energy at the right time. It cuts like a knife through the abandonment and loneliness of the preceding stanzas with a powerful reminder that life is what you make of it. This sets the tone for the next stanzas. The words in the stanza are quite clever...artists create...or...you create what you live like, life delivers what you put into it. Make an investment in life, you get a return. Thats what this stanza implies in a ncie practical manner. The story carries on further. Beacuse we have already seen the pieces of history that have occured in the past we can appreciate more so the journey that arrives at this stanza: "It’s no wonder, to him I cleaved 8 years of sorrow, disappointment and grief I had no view of what life could be." This stanza carries much more weight because of the journey to get here. As a direct result of that journey we (the reader) can easily see how such a long length of time as 8 years could be wasted, given that there were no premises of what was good living and what was bad living set out for him/her as an example during his/her childhood. The pinnacle, is the line "I had no view of what life could be". Its a regretful tone that such a length of time was lost, but its not regret bereft of hope. There is a lingering sensation of hope because of the "You're the artist" line. The reader feels that despite this perilous and trying journey, the protagonist, who has endured so much will still win through. You last three stanzas made me feel like I feel when I play "O Fortuna" really loudly. My blood ran cold and my hairs on the back of my neck stood up!! Those last stanzas are the creshendo of feeling and expression the poem has been building up to. They state quite boldly - yes I faced this, yes I went through it, yes it was bloody hard, but life is going to have to do a whole lot worse to keep me down!!! Quite Brilliant IMO You have incorporated into this poem every element the reader could possibly need to grow fond of the protagonist and to start rooting for her nearer the end, wanting her to win through. As compared with the poem at the very top. We had something whereby an emotive state was described (quite well also) but it went nowhere and one felt that the protagonist in that instance may aswell do the world a favour and get it over with. Now in comparison we can see that your second poem in my opinion was far superior to the first. You thought about the second. You used certain elements and things to grab the reader's attention. You told a story, took a journey and came up with some useful questions and insights that grabbed and challenged the minds of the readers. So what can we deduce from this? We can look at how the respective poems were written. We can deduce that an exploration of ourselves in the form of a poem can be done in a fashion that helps us to explore ourselves as well as helping to create a journey for the person reading our work. Poems can and will be written often times without the reader in mind, but it when you bear in mind that your poem will be read, you can become aware of the fact that you have an opportunity to get across a message to others. Just as the character in your poem thought that a parent should provide more than just negativity, lovelessness and fear, I feel that it is the duty of the poet to provide messages to their reader. We can provide messages of negativity with no story, but would that not just breed melancholy and more negativity especially in the young who read our works? I feel that in our messages we have the opportunities...no...we have the obligations on us to show balance and to some extents - entertain A pleasure reading your work Tattered - you did it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted July 25, 2005 Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 Excellent Tattered, I think this is one of your best. Really good job on the feedback Parm', you left me with nothing so say except that I love her and believe in her always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tattered Posted July 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 THANK YOU for your complete analysis Parmenion! I do feel good about this piece but you just flattered me more than I may deserve. Thanks for your comments and critiques. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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