Sweetcherrie Posted June 1, 2005 Report Share Posted June 1, 2005 (edited) You asked me for a reply and I will do my best to make it as complete as possible. Before I start I would like to say that I’m no professional and can only say things the way I see and read them, and all below is only my personal opinion as a reader Chapter 1: -I think there is too much information given in quite a dry fashion. The chapter almost reads as an enumeration of facts. Also to me the first chapter sets the feeling for the next couple of chapters and if the rest of the chapters are good it will of course wear off, but still better to try and spread out the facts and information in the story. -“already ready” 8th paragraph sounds weird; I would probably try to rephrase this. -The word momentum is used twice in a very short time Chapter 2: -Good and action packed, but halfway through I was wondering where Olira went. You describe Jerrick’s actions, but she is sort of pushed to the background. -“aiming to attack him” (1st paragraph) is probably abundant. Without this the sentence would flow better. -Too many “yet” constructions. I found the word “yet” 5 times, but if you do a word search you will probably find it even more often, be careful with using the same construction of sentence too many times, and too close to each other. -“extended ahead of it” (5th paragraph) not sure how this would be done, but probably better to rephrase as it reads weirdly. -“since they had seen that the had his sword no more” I would change this into “seeing that he no longer had his sword” Chapter 3: -Jerrick is making a remarkable quick recovery, but I expect that has to do with some of him being a mage as well? Also I think that if you want to have Olira playing a bigger role in the future (and it feels you do) it might not be a good idea to pose her here as a sobbing insecure lady. She comes across here as (sorry for the word) a pathetic whining girl, and I felt slightly annoyed with her. Chapter 4: -As the writing continues it also gets better , in the 2nd paragraph there is a repetition of the word “slid” the first could be changed in “moved” maybe. Chapter 5: -In chapter 4 you tell that Jerrick is saying “light the way” which gives me the idea that he’s asking some higher force to guide him, but in chapter 5 it turns out to be a friend. Also it’s not entirely clear what exactly the relationship is between Maqal and Jerrick, and if this is of importance it might be a good idea to add this in somewhere. -“thinking that he at last found the game” The word game here confused me, and this might be because I don’t know the word in this context, but it feels out of place here. -Killing Jerrick seemed strange to me, especially since he has so far been the only character that has been described in more detail. Then again, I have of course no idea how you will continue and if he will be playing a role again in later chapters. Chapter 6: -I really like the fact that we get to see the other side of the story, but already have the feeling of knowing the bad guys better than the good guys, since these are showing their feelings more than the others. In general I think you have an interesting story line and a couple of characters that can become very interesting. I would try to describe them more, and work out what they’re feeling a bit better, since at the moment they all still have a bit of a white cloud where there are supposed to be faces. I hope I haven’t been too direct here, I really enjoyed reading the story and as I said I’m only trying to point out where I thought it could be improved. I will most definitely follow this story and am curious how it will continue. Edited June 1, 2005 by Sweetcherrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 1, 2005 Report Share Posted June 1, 2005 (wow. that's good feedback. you can give me feedback any day!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patrick Posted June 2, 2005 Report Share Posted June 2, 2005 Awesome feedback Sweetcherrie! Thanks! *hugs* When I edit a chapter I'll post here to show what changes were made. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts