The Lost Place

[Da_Yog]

I like this a lot but I keep thinking it could be better. Perhaps it's just me. :-)

 

The Lost Place

 

Here I stand before these hallowed halls

Where thoughts of time seem quaint

For eons have they stood amongst these hills

And for eons unspoiled shall they remain

I cannot find upon this place of olde

To my sight or sense, the hand of man

For man could not love other than he

So long as it takes to make such as this.

I stand and gaze at what I have found

And think to journey and explore

Deep within the heart of these earthen halls

A step or two more and I could see

Sights that no man ever has seen

Nay, I stay my feet and turn away

For I could not keep such a sight as this to myself

And grand stories would inspire others

To go looking where I dare not tread

Then another of the precious lost places

would fall to the inquisition of man

And such a crime I could not bear.

[Vlad]

The poem has a very... soft feel to it. Like it's quitly glowing, or something. I can't really describe what it is that I found, but it's good.

 

The tweaking that you mentioned is relatively absent from this poem. The only place that I could see needing attention would be

"For I could not keep such a sight as this to myself"

That line is a tad long, but otherwise the poem has great concrete visuals and abstract emotion.

 

Welcome to the Pen, Yog.

[Ayshela]

*nods*

i think you could lose "as this" from that line without losing meaning, while improving the flow from line to line.

 

gentle, thoughtful - i like it.

[Da_Yog]

The Lost Place

 

Here I stand before these hallowed halls

Where thoughts of time seem quaint

For eons have they stood amongst these hills

And for eons unspoiled shall they remain

I cannot find upon this place of olde

To my sight or sense, the hand of man

For man could not love other than he

So long as it takes to make such as this.

I stand and gaze at what I have found

And think to journey and explore

Deep within the heart of these earthen halls

A step or two more and I could see

Sights that no man ever has seen

Nay, I stay my feet and turn away

For I could not keep such a sight to myself

And grand stories would inspire others

To go looking where I dare not tread

Then another of the precious lost places

would fall to the inquisition of man

And such a crime I could not bear.

 

Oooh, very nice. Thank you, I agree, this does improve the flow. *bows* This may indeed be what I was looking for. I could never quite put my finger on it. Thanks again.

[Peredhil]

I like the second version. For me, it almost has a Nordic chant feel to it.

[Da_Yog]

A retouch of something I wrote a while ago. Only small changes, but I think I like it better now.

 

The Lost Place

 

Here I stand before these hallowed halls

Where thoughts of time seem quaint.

For eons have they stood amongst these hills

And for eons unspoiled shall they remain.

I cannot find upon this place of olde—

To my sight or sense—the hand of man.

For man could not love other than he

For so long as it takes to make this place.

 

I stand and gaze at what I have found

And think to journey and explore

Deep within the heart of these earthen halls.

 

A step or two more and I could see

Sights that no man ever has seen.

Nay! I stay my feet and turn away.

For I could not keep such a sight to mine eye alone

And grand stories would inspire men

To go looking where I dare not tread.

Then another of the precious lost places

would fall to the inquisition of man,

And such a crime I could not bear.