Feedback!

[Finnius]

A wooden board is placed near the Kissing Booth, bare except for a piece of parchment nailed to it. It reads as such:

 

Dear fellow Pennites,

 

The following piece, though written in haste,

Has caught my attention, but cannot get through;

So since all my efforts are going to waste,

I turn the proof-reading over to you.

 

Whomever replies, and fixes the thing,

Will have my fondest, well-wishing heart-felt,

And if that's not enough, not thoroughly tempting,

They'll also recieve a small bit of geld!

 

-Thanks in advance,

Anonymous

 

Immediately below it is written the following:

 

I believe in love,

I believe in fate,

I believe my debts can never be repaid.

 

I hear music play,

I hear dying screams,

I hear my heart beat, I hear everything.

 

And I know, I know,

Just what you meant,

My time with you was heaven sent.

 

But in the end,

It could not be,

I was wrong for you, but you were right for me.

 

A small stack of paper, a few quills, and bow of thumbtacks sit on the ground below.

 

OOC:

 

Ok, here's the challenge. Take the above piece and rework it, clean it up and make it your own. Essentially, give the absolute harshest, most critical feedback that you can. Level 5, for those of you on the Valdar scale.

 

When you're done, just tack it up on the board.

 

This event is worth 5 geld! Yeah, line yer pockets!

Edited July 2, 2004 by Finnius

[Mira]

Mira examines the plain wooden board with its rather plain looking peice of paper. After reading the sheet, he takes a peice of paper from the stack and sets to work.

I believe in love, that fast fickle thing.

I believe in fate, and the gifts it can bring.

And I know my debts can never be met.

And that I can never be set, free.

 

I hear music play, like sprites on the wind.

I hear dying screams, through this deafening din.

I hear my heart beat, like the stomping of feet

Like the marching of armies through dust covered streets

 

And I know, I know, though I do not know how

Just what it was that you meant, and now I avow.

My time with you, though hardly untrue,

Faded away with the new mornings dew.

 

But in the end, oh that terrible end.

It was not meant to last, a fact I could not suspend.

I was not your key, that at last set you free.

But you, you were right for me.

[Tanuchan]

I felt the need of a better link between fate/love/debt...

 

I believe in love, that I saw in your eyes

I believe in fate, that joined our souls

I believe in a debt, come from your tears...

A debt that will live, even if I die.

 

I hear music play, sad and fading

I hear dying screams of love deceived

I hear my heart beat, faster and faster

I hear everything as when you said goodbye.

 

And I know, and wish I can forget

Just what you meant when you cried and left

My time with you, that I wasted in trifles

Was heaven sent, and by heaven withheld.

 

Because in the end, as my heart now sees

It could not be, and fate was right

I was wrong for you, not trusting enough

Though you were right for me, with your light and faith.

 

 

********

Finnius, when you said "critical feedback", did you meant us to comment closely on what we would see as "flaws" in the original poem? If that's the case, I'll be back later (er... in about 10 days...) to edit this post

 

 

EDIT:

What bothered me in the original poem was the unclear link between the ideas and a sense of broken flow because of the longer verses. The ideas are good, and the end is a pretty nice one. I didn't go into meter/rhyme as I pretty don't follow them in my own poems, and I see more knowledgeable people discussing it

Edited July 13, 2004 by Tanuchan

[Finnius]

OOC:

 

Tanuchan:

 

Ya, as much feedback as you want to give, the more the better. Reasons for changing the way you do, things that you look at as being wrong with the piece, anything at all.

 

And on another note, good work guys. Keep 'em coming!

[Merelas]

I believe in love,

I believe in fate,

I believe my debts can never be repaid.

 

I hear music play,

I hear dying screams,

I hear my heart beat, I hear everything.

 

And I know, I know,

Just what you meant,

My time with you was heaven sent.

 

But in the end,

It could not be,

I was wrong for you, but you were right for me.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

This is a fairly good poem, however the links in between leave little information to justify the feelings that are being conveyed. Also, the rhythm (spelling?) is a little off. The first two stanzas have a syllable count of 5/5/11, while the third has an awkward 5/4/8, and the fourth, 4/4/11. The A/B/B rhyme scheme is a little awkward, but I believe it works well in every stanza except the first--I'm not a fan of unperfect rhymes, and I would reccomend changing the fate/repaid one. If I were to completely revamp the poem, it would go something like this:

 

I believe in Love (capitalized for emphasis... just a visual thing)

I believe in Fate

The cost of my debts is a huge, heavy weight.

 

I hear music play,

I hear dying screams

I hear and see everything at night in dreams. (changed for a better rhyme imo, but keeps the content)

 

And I know so well

Just what you had meant (added a syllable)

My time with you was bliss--it was heaven sent (again, syllables)

 

At the very end (syllables)

It was not to be (syllabels)

I was wrong for you... but you were right for me. (added the dotdotdot because it seemed like the pause would add emphasis... and I like dotdotdots )

[Yuki Kokoro]

I've been pondering Alaeha's challange of writing a sonnet but feeling no inspiration for a topic I decided to try to re-write this poem in sonnent form (because right now I seem to be a glutton for a challenge).

 

You can find it in true sonnet form here, this is the first version and slightly less altered from the original if you can believe that.

 

Belief in love, belief in fate, belief

That debts cannot be paid by anyone

Surely not me, made blind by debt’s debris

I stumble, faltering as I hear screams.

Longing instead for music heard, now gone

In search of better ears not drown in beats

As mine hear everything, my heart and yours.

I think and sigh for days they’d beat in time

But though I once thought two would always twine

Time now has torn them both apart and I

Can only wish in heart for happy days

Once Heaven-sent, now muffled out by pain.

It hurts me so that our love could not be

For though I seem so wrong for you

You felt so right for me.

 

 

Constructive Criticism:

My only real problem with the first version is how loosely it ties together. The first two stanzas seem like separate thoughts and only the final two really strengthen each other. This could be do to the poem not focusing on one thing solidly or it could be the fact that there is not enough elaboration for the reader to follow the logic shifts made by the speaker. I don’t really think I fixed that problem very well considering that the second half of my poem seems much more coherent than the first, but I hope it kind of makes sense.

 

Looking back I think it might be helpful to try to tie in the believe in fate to the end of the relationship, the fact that the two were “not right” for each other could easily be made into a concept about fate and would help tie the beginning to the end.

[Vlad]

OOC: Sometimes I wish this board would let me format with indents.

However it can't, so just try to ignore the periods that lead off some lines.

 

I believe in life:

..........in love

..........in fate

 

I believe in my own burdens:

..........those never lifted

..........those never forgotten

 

I hear life go on:

..........music plays

..........dying men scream

 

I hear myself live:

..........my heart beats

..........there is noise

 

I know of the truth:

..........what you meant

..........I was a fool

 

But I know the end

and that we could not be,

 

I was wrong for you,

but you were right for me.

 

------------------------------------

Anon. -

 

This poem screamed to want a flair for the dramatic,

So I gave it some visual style.

 

There needed to be somethign tying it all together,

Which was done easily enough with parallel structure.

 

The last line had to be broken in two,

otherwise it would have been too much of a visual contrast.

 

Also, the commas at the end of every line made for some unnatural pauses, thus were removed.

Other than that, I think you can take this poem as is, or tweak it some more.

 

- Vlad

[Zariah]

Wow. Okay there are several things that I changed. Firstly, there is no rhythm because the syllables are not matching:

 

I believe in love, 5

I believe in fate, 5

I believe my debts can never be repaid. 11

 

I hear music play, 5

I hear dying screams, 5

I hear my heart beat; I hear everything. 10

 

And I know, I know, 5

Just what you meant, 4

My time with you was heaven sent. 8

 

But in the end, 4

It could not be, 4

I was wrong for you, but you were right for me. 11

 

 

Secondly, in each stanza, the words in the second and third lines should rhyme to give a better flow to the theme.

 

Thirdly, there is WAY too much repetition of believe, hear, and know. If each stanza had the same pattern, PERHAPS it would be better….but I personally find that as a sign of lack of effort.

 

Fourthly, there were some fairly weak sentences that could be revised with synonyms and rephrasing.

 

STANZA 1

“I believe my debts can never be repaid.”

In order to make the last word rhyme with fate, the sentence had to be changes to a better word that fit the theme. Therefore I chose late and gave the sentence similar meaning, but stronger emotion form the narrator.

 

STANZA 2

In the second stanza, everything does not rhyme with screams, now if these words had had the same syllables, it might have been pulled off as a slant rhyme, but it didn’t. Therefore, in lieu of simple changing it to everything, I decided to find a stronger sentence that showed that the narrator was living in pain from his mistakes and failed relationship.

 

STANZA 3

The first line of the third stanza CLEARLY needed better effort. It also needed to fit with the rhythm. I chose “I now know and grasp” to show that he is learning from his relationship. Replacing “truly” for “just” fixed the lack of a syllable for that line. Rephrasing the third line in stanza three again fixed the syllable issue.

 

STANZA 4

 

Again, I rephrased lines one and two for rhythm purposes and changed line three to a stronger more definite resolution for the narrator.

 

 

Fifthly, and lastly, I thought a title should be added, for it merited a title.

 

Here is my revised edition.

 

 

 

 

Too Late

 

I believe in love,

I believe in fate,

To give us what I owe, is now too late.

 

I hear music play,

I hear fading screams;

I feel my heart beat, ripping at the seams.

 

I now know and grasp,

Truly what you meant,

When you said our time was from heaven sent.

 

But now in the end,

It just could not be,

With a painful soul, I now set you free.

[Katzaniel]

The thing I found most disturbing was the lack of tie-in, the lack of consistency. The very short lines seemed to go from one place to another, not really explaining why the author felt that way. So I added some explanations. I left the original lines mostly intact - the changes were basically to make them fit with the added lines, sometimes to give a little more length. As I already said, the poem doesn't explain very well why the author is thinking these things, so this is just my interpretation of what they might have meant to say.

 

I guess the reason I didn't reply sooner was that I wanted to go into rhyme and meter, but these things are optional. It depends how you want to convey the feeling of the words you're putting across, and I think it's very difficult to do even as much as I did without working directly with the original poet to make sure the original intentions of the piece are not lost. They probably are anyway, but nevertheless, my version...

 

Love is exhilarating, its sweetness takes my breath.

I believe in love.

Fate guides us with unwavering hand, gently altering our lives.

I believe in fate.

Love and fate, these sister's souls entwined with evil,

For I believe my debts can never be repaid.

 

When I open my ears, I hear the subtle strains of yearning melody.

I hear music play.

When I open my ears, I hear the shrill call of one who is abandoning life.

I hear dying screams.

Music and screams, these sounds forming a terrible symphony,

For when I hear my heart beat, I hear everything.

 

When I think of you, I understand.

I know, I know.

I rehear those words you spoke to me;

I know just what you meant.

I hear them again and again, and I finally understand.

My time with you was heaven sent.

 

But when the clock ticks down to the final moments of life...

When we have reached the end...

I will reaffirm the understanding that had engulfed me whole.

For I know it could not be.

Oh, the things I see now could strike a heart in two;

Though I was wrong for you, the one for me was you.