Valdar and Astralis Posted March 8, 2004 Report Share Posted March 8, 2004 (edited) Old man sits on a hill yonder Young man strides on the plain under Sky god cried then, behold thunder Young man fell to the earth sundered Widow cried to the old mother Mother cried to the earth father Father smote down the old sky king Smashed to the ground, and the earth did ring Sky god rose from earth shattered ring Full of wrath he cast lightning Earth rose up to burn the king Of people lost did no song sing Back and forth did they throw their rage Over this world for many an age Old man watched as the young world die None but he knew first tale as lie Fire rain and the mountains heave Burnt black birds fell from the trees No more people the world laid bare Old one smiled for his time was there. From the dawn came a new rider Strike both god down and world plunder *** Old world spins on a new frontier But dead earth lie where clouds make clear. Edited March 9, 2004 by Valdar and Astralis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valdar and Astralis Posted March 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2004 I know it sounds wierd, but it only scored 4-5 minor 'errors' in MSword, 3 of which dont make sense, one hyphened word, and "Fragment" on the last line which I ignored. Discuss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matteo Posted March 8, 2004 Report Share Posted March 8, 2004 Wonderful! The style is interesting, the rhyme scheme is simple enough, but the mold of subject and mood was admirable. A pleasure to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jareena Faye Posted March 9, 2004 Report Share Posted March 9, 2004 That was really neat. I like the way you wrote this! It seemed some time as if you were struggling to rhyme it without putting too many words in, but that's bound to happen in everything a person writes (at least I think so!). For the most part it was all real smooth, and especially in the first paragraph, I liked how you went back and forth between people! This seems more like something written five hundred years ago, that old women recite to their grandkids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valdar and Astralis Posted March 9, 2004 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2004 Yah, ran into a couple of hiccoughs halfway and didn't bother to iron them out after try #5. The style was from an englishized version of "Try to visit the old Hermit" (http://www.patrickdurham.net/themightypen/index.php?showtopic=9508), which is why it still reads slightly wierd to me. Thanks, though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HopperWolf Posted March 9, 2004 Report Share Posted March 9, 2004 To me this reads much like a ballad structurally (one less syllable on every even line and you’d be pretty much there), and also in terms of content – although there is no dialogue and the resolution is less conclusive . However you have a good tragic story here with fairly strong narrative. And where you do depart from the ballad form you make generally beneficial adjustments. Jareena hit the nail on the head here as far as I’m concerned since the Ballad was in use before the written word available, as a means for story telling used by bards and travellers and would have been passed down the generations. Cool, eh? Also still in use in folk music today. Check out “Mattie Groves” by Fairport Convention classic. In regards to the rhyme scheme, I recognise it as a minor variation of the Chant Royal theme. A good move as I think it fits the pattern rather well. And while I can spot the occasional struggle on the whole I can’t see that it causes much of a problem with flow and the word choice is quite appropriate and intelligent Seeing your latest reply I notice it is based on another piece, but I’m afraid I don’t have the time to check that out at the moment to draw comparisons there : ( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valdar and Astralis Posted September 13, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2004 (edited) Edited, for publishing in uni magazine. It reads more fluidly to me now though block 3 and 4 seem a little repetative: Reign of the Godslayer-1.2 Old man sits on a hill yonder Young man strides on the plain under Sky god cried then, behold thunder Young man fell to the earth sundered Widow cried to the old mother Mother cried to the earth father Father smote down the old sky king Smashed from heaven amidst lightning Sky king rose from the shattered land Full of wrath did he clench his hand Back and forth did they throw their anger Neither cared that the world broke under King and father battled locked in rage Over this world for many an age Now old man watched the young world die None but he knew, first tale as lie Fire rain and the mountains heave Burnt black birds falling from the trees People died and the mountains bared Old one smiled for his time was there. From the dawn came a new rider Strike both god down and world plunder *** Old world spins on the new frontier But dead earth where the clouds make clear. Edited September 18, 2004 by Valdar and Astralis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted September 18, 2004 Report Share Posted September 18, 2004 Full of wrath did he he clench his hand Minor adjustment for double "he" I am so glad you redone this work and posted it again because I missed it first time round what with not being active enough on these boards. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem which brought back tales of Odin, Thor and most Norse mythology to mind. As my eyes danced across the words I was picturing the scene. I really enjoy poems that can provoke the imagination of the person reading. Bravo! What a read! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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