WrenWind Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 (edited) Pitter patter What's the matter? My head is about to explode Willy nilly This is just silly I can get this darn thing to load Dither dather The words are all gathered Just a small bit of prose --------------- I did it all right Now it's gone from sight The work so carefully crafted Next time the muse hits I'll make sure it fits Writen down with a pencil and paper Edited October 1, 2003 by WrenWind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beautiful Nightmare Posted October 1, 2003 Report Share Posted October 1, 2003 i really like this but found myself lost in it i dunno if thats a good or bad thing but most of the time i get lost in good poetry with images and feelings so i think it was a good thing! im so glad your writting again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 2, 2003 Report Share Posted October 2, 2003 okay, i probably wasn't supposed to laugh, but i confess i did. i do a LOT of writing in my word processors and text pads, simply because it's faster. yet the writing which feels most *real* is that which is safely in my notebook, written in my coloured ink of choice, safe from hard drive crashes, mistaken deletions, or random attacks by gremlins. though, sometimes, i wish i had a "find" feature on my notebooks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted October 2, 2003 Report Share Posted October 2, 2003 ooh I want that "find" feature too, pls tell me when you find a way lol Wren, great poem, I really enjoyed this! The only thing that caught me off-guard so to say is the last line, it seems out of place to me, possible because to "me" all the other 'end-words' have the same "energy". Words like: explode load gathered crafted If you put 'paper' in that list... you know what I mean I think. Paper is a "soft" word, while all the others (as pointed out before) have some sort of "energy". Gah, I'm blabbing now. I don't even have a proposition on how to improve it Just my 2 cents. Again, I really enjoyed it, especially the first three stanza's *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted October 6, 2003 Report Share Posted October 6, 2003 I thought the pattern to this in the first 2 stanzas was really very nice. I take it the dashing lines separating the first 3 stanzas from the last 2 is deliberate? If so I thought the second line of stanza 3 was a shade too long. Perhaps shorten it by hanging it to: "The words all gather" - which fits it in nicely with the first 2. I am in the same boat as Ayshela in that I did laugh when reading when I thought of all the times I have typed lots of stuff on the computer and it crashes or takes forever to do anything and one lives in fear thinking - "Why didn't I use a pen and paper?!!!" Hehehe - nicely done... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted October 6, 2003 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2003 Changed a bit in the third stanza. I have tried to figure out a way to rearange the 3rd line 3rd stanza to end it in a mor powerfull way but it escapes me. thanks for the comments. Pitter patter What's the matter? My head is about to explode Willy nilly This is just silly I can get this darn thing to load Dither dather Words are gathered To form a small bit of prose --------------- I did it all right Now it's gone from sight The work so carefully crafted Next time the muse hits I'll make sure it fits Writen down with a pencil and paper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted October 7, 2003 Report Share Posted October 7, 2003 I like the way you reworked it, but that very last line still sticks out for me. Not sure if you were going for the last line in each part to rhyme but maybe the fact that the first few do is what is throwing me off. I love the content though, so very true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 7, 2003 Report Share Posted October 7, 2003 last line suggestion: with pencil and paper they're drafted ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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