Nyyark Posted September 25, 2003 Report Share Posted September 25, 2003 (edited) Years have passed like days Eyes always to the sky The violence and the rage The turmoil of an age Hypocracy denounced itself In a body newly possesed And now the war was fought And the stagnation reset Does it matter that it won't work That it must again change That nothing is completed because they go to far again *changed 12 line "That nothing completes" to "That nothing is completed" on Wyv's suggestion, thanks Wyvern!* Edited September 25, 2003 by Nyyark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted September 25, 2003 Report Share Posted September 25, 2003 A very good, strongly-themed poem, Nyyark... I particularly liked the lines "And now the war was fought/ And the stagnation reset," and can certainly relate to the underlying message of the work. I also liked the reference of "Eyes" always looking "to the sky" as it seems to suggest elements of 9/11, which America has yet to recover from even after "Years have passed like days..." One part of the poem which you may want to improve on is the third line of the final stanza, which seems to be a bit off in terms of syllabel structure and doesn't flow quite as well as the rest of the piece. Perhaps "That nothing is completed" would work better...? Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salinye Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 Wow, Nyark. I wish you would write more often. :0) ~Salinye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 I was trying to come up with something intelligent to say in response but Im not good at saying smart things so ill just say I liked it. The first section is really powerful and I think it sums up how alot of people feel about recent situations. I wish you would write more. I really enjoy them when you post them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 (edited) Good work this. I especially like the ending that nothing is completed because they go to far again How often did that happen already in history I ask... .. yup, very nice work Edited September 26, 2003 by Appy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louveteau Posted September 26, 2003 Report Share Posted September 26, 2003 All I gotta say is, it's a great poem. And it's not only about recent events, it involves a much bigger era. Perhaps not meant but it does, cause it kinda involves the entire 20th century, starting at WW1 and all that comes afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted September 27, 2003 Report Share Posted September 27, 2003 If I could related your poem to wine then yours would be an Australian Sharaz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted September 30, 2003 Report Share Posted September 30, 2003 Ny ny....well let's see. I like certain aspects of your poem, particularly your choice of words in the third stanza. Are you aware that the first stanza has a rhyming sequence to it? And then there is none in the second and third? Also, my idea would be to add punctuation for a deeper effect on the reader. I am glad you are writing again. Keep submitting poems and stories! ~crowgirl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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