Archive

Pros: Good start- gets into the action quickly. You'll need to develop some backstory for the two characters later on, though. Cons: Incomprehensible Elven- I suggest either providing translations or write something like this: "What will we do now?" the elf maiden asked the air in the flowing language of the elves. It may just be me, but I hate not knowing what's being said. Ideas: Perhaps provide characterization to one of the elves Shroleyannè (how do you produce the accents in IE? ) brought with her to rescue the man- IE, Shroleyannè's friend or something. Perhaps describe the community a bit more? Is it a forest community with trees growing among the buildings? Buildings in the trees? Or have the elves cleared the forest out of the city? *Runs out of steam and forgets what his original point was. ;P* Anyway, good start, and it fulfulls the 'One Good, One Bad' thing you wanted.

I'm all alone now Everyone has someone to now. Hapiness is the place I'll never be. I guess I'm just not good enough somehow. My friends dont' need me now. Everyone has someone to love now. Dear god, will I ever find love? I'm all alone now. You gaze at eachother so longingly. Then gaze at me in pity. I want to cry. And really don't know why. I'm 16! How is this fair. I want someone to love. I'm sending this prayer. I want to love. No one will ever love me.

Don’t try- Here is a poem Straight from my heart. They are tears of sadness Tearing at my heart. There is no love in this world for me. What once was is only a memory. Loneliness I know all too well. An emptiness straight from hell. You can’t save me now. The end is near. There is no point anymore. I don’t know what’s in store. I am hurt. I am lonely. I am sad. I feel so empty, don’t know how to be glad. No love, I’m slipping again, does anyone care?

Kasmandre: Ug. Obviously I never did the rewrite. Not so much because I didn't try, but because I couldn't figure out how to do it. The story's form was one of the first things that coalesed. As such, I'm having trouble seperating the story from the style. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing, I just never considered myself identifying with the Pragmatist, but... Unless someone can suggest something, I'll live with it as is. Not that I know what I'm going to be doing with it anyway. *Sigh* One other thing, I was wondering if anyone could tell me what their first impression of the story is? Just after reading it through once, what first came to mind or just stuck out in the story. Edited by: Kasmandre at: 1/11/03 10:20:50 pm

Kasmandre: Thanks for the feedback, Icarus. You make a good point. I've been looking at it again and thinking about who's point of view it's from (I honestly never thought that it identified mostly with the prag. but now I definately see that). I'll post a rewrite in a few days. My last final's tomorrow (Thank God!!) and I'll have more time to post next week. -------------- Kasmandre, Initiate of the Pen "Time slowed, reality bent. On and on the Eggman went." -Dreamcatcher. by Stephen King "So long, and thanks for all the fish." -Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. by Douglas Adams "Let's Roll." -Flight 93

First of all, sorry it took me so long to respond with this, especially after you so expediately and articulately responded to my essay. I like it. It took a second read to soak it in, completely, and I like the connection of this with Fate. Well, not just connection but raw description. It's slightly cryptic at first, but becomes clear. I wouldn't necessarily change this, because it may be your stylistic decision to let the reader discover it, that way. It can be effective. The ending is appropriate, and by that I mean it makes sense, although it seems as if the Pragmatist would have written it that way. Not either the Victim or the Bereaved. In my mind, the Victim would've continued being, even if not breathing, and the Bereaved wouldn't exit so quietly. Again, this isn't necessarily wrong, it just gives a slant to it, depicting the persona of the author as identifying with mostly the pragmatist. And since you weren't sure, yes, it is a good piece. But it's not done, it can go much further, based upon your other writings I've seen on The Pen. Keep it up. -Icarus

peredhil31: unless you meant this as a 'work in progress, I want specific critical feedback, not just "sounds nice"', in which case it would belong in the writer's workshop. In either case, I think you've the seeds of another winner here. We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to. W. Somerset Maugham

Gyrfalcon25: It's excellent poetry, but poetry is supposed to be located in the Banquet Room - Second Course.

Kasmandre: As I've said many times before, I'm a true imbesile when it comes to poetry (rhyming and otherwise), but I really like this poem. It really transmits a sense of sadness and perhaps despair, but also has an element of wry humor (2nd and last line especially). Really cool mix.

Passionsrejected05: He loves her, he loves me not. The only kind of love I'll get will have to bought. Tears of sadness streak my face. I'm lonely can't you see? I need someone to love me. I'm so sad. No one cares. Please love me. Is that so much to ask? That's all I want. A prayer sent to above. I need I want I'll die Without Love. I'm so scared. So lonely. No ones around. In a crowd of couples. I don't want to be free. What a way to live.