Vlad Posted May 30, 2003 Report Share Posted May 30, 2003 Days go by, Oozing past me, Time slows today. But today will never end, Life being sucked out- Enegry is lacking. Don't know how, This could've happened. But I just feel oh so very- Tired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted May 30, 2003 Report Share Posted May 30, 2003 i really like this! the short line length, as if you haven't the energy even to continue the thought in one mental "breath" - by the last full line you can feel the exhaustion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tralla Posted May 30, 2003 Report Share Posted May 30, 2003 This IS good. A suggestion: If you want to really draw out the exhaustion at the end of the poem, give "oh" "so" and "very" their own lines... oh so very- tired or, oh so very- tired. Tis just a suggestion to play with... No need to listen to my ramblings... Spacing is a great way to get across what you're trying to express. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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