smallscale_mind_games Posted May 14, 2003 Report Share Posted May 14, 2003 in the works, believe it or not, since I was in the fifth grade. And it still hasn't improved a heckuva lot. But oh well, I kind of like it! Advice would be welcome! Oddly enough, I can never quite get it memorized , and it changes every time I write it over. Mirage Surrounded by myself I stand Wondering, wondering where I end Scanning the vast seas of mind Is there anything else of my kind? Multiple alone I end Reflections on a sea of sand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted May 14, 2003 Report Share Posted May 14, 2003 Many reasons why you shouldn't describe what you write as short and lame, but for me I think its because it lacks positivity which I think is always important. I'm a newbie at writing so cant offer advice but think it might look good as a limerick by mixing the last two lines. But as it is stands it meant "for me" a crossroads of thinking coupled with the need to find likened souls. But thats just for me, you may have meant something different - but thats whats nice coz multiple interpretations are present in most all sentences. I'd like to see another if you have one. I liked this one, nostalgia set in from my teenage school of thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Damon Inferel Posted May 15, 2003 Report Share Posted May 15, 2003 Ug... must forgive primitive bran... er... brain. I not get poem, but good message talk makes sense from Parmenion. Basically, I rather enjoyed your poem, though it was short. however, with my lack of reading speed capability, I thought it to be lengthy enough to spend time on... not a sermon, just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
autumn_sun Posted May 15, 2003 Report Share Posted May 15, 2003 Whoo. Cool, Merry! I like it!! =glares @ Neko Boy= I detest those commercials. [[would that be seen as not including people, Wyv?]] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 15, 2003 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2003 Sure, scott, parmenion makes sense, but you don't. 0.o you have primitive BRAN? Oatmeal anyone? from the prehistoric era? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Posted May 15, 2003 Report Share Posted May 15, 2003 You should consider asking an elder to relocate this to the Writer's Workshop, although member only, it is the place to go for works in progress. Other than that, the fourth line seems a bit short, maybe add something between 'multiple' and 'end' - I don't know what because I'm confused as to what your message from that line is. I like how you used imperfect rhymes, mostly, instead of perfect ones. It makes the writing have it's own feel without becoming sing-songy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted May 16, 2003 Report Share Posted May 16, 2003 perhaps you can't memorize it because it's a mirage? (big evil grin) i do like this. i agree that the line "multiple alone I end" is unclear and a bit confusing. Generally speaking, though, it seems to me to be questioning who you are, whether there's anyone else out there like you, and if there is, if you could find them. All questions which resonate with many other people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smallscale_mind_games Posted May 17, 2003 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2003 *low bow* why thank you all for your comments! I'll think about that last bit that everyone keeps mentioning. It's one of the parts that changed randomly, so...it'll probably do so again. You may be right about that mirage thing, Ayshela Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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