Madoka/The Return/Assembly Room

[Peredhil]

(Whee!

Welcome back. Nice description on the fight scene, although at one point you nearly lost me when you described the Asian man suddenly as a Guard for a paragraph.

I'll remove this comment to the Critic's Corner, where it belongs, in a day or so. I wasn't sure if you'd know to look for feedback on Assembly Room postings there.

 

-Peredhil)

[Ayshela]

(whew)

(catching my breath)

if this is typical of what you consider "not that good" i can't wait to read those stories you write which you actually *like*!

[Madoka]

Thank you both for your kind words; I'll look for comments there from now on.

 

This story is a dreadfully poor story in my view; something that I just did in a few hours at home. Writing stories just started as a way for me to keep up my level of skill in the English language, but I did graduate from a Canadian university with a degree in English after all, so it helps.

 

And to be honest -- I don't think I've actually run across any of my stories that I did like. I tend to like sexy sexy mage Orlan-chan's or Tzim's stories a whole lot more, actually.

 

In any case, I hope you all will forgive me for my poor English, and please enjoy the above story!

 

Madoka.

[Peredhil]

a writer who thinks everyone else is better?

 

My goodness are you in good company HERE!

 

[Ayshela]

Madoka - i do know what you mean. i don't believe i've ever written anything i was truly happy with, merely some i disliked less than others. in the FWIW department, however, i do like what you wrote.

 

Perendhil - very true. very true. i wonder why that is?

[Quincunx]

The only rough spot is a slightly repetitive feel to the pairs of adjective-noun. A few of adjectives could be perhaps moved within the sentences or cropped away. As a swift snapshot of a scene, it's excellent--no flaws in plot or characterization.

[Madoka]

FWIW? What does that stand for?

 

I used to be very bad at English, so a tutor told me to start writing simple stories in English to improve my skills in that language. From that point on, if I am in the mood and I have some time (which I sometimes do when I'm flying across the Pacific Ocean on JAL), I can usually put down some thoughts into a story.

 

Writing stories helps to keep up my skill in English, of which I definitely need. But since I never really put that much thought into stories (I don't brainstorm; I get an idea and I just... write), I don't really like my own stories very much. They tend to lack the sophistication and elegance of other writers here, such as Peredhil's, or Val's or even Aardy's.

 

To be quite honest, I was surprised my stories were so well-received as they were when I published them.

 

Madoka.

[Madoka]

The only rough spot is a slightly repetitive feel to the pairs of adjective-noun. A few of adjectives could be perhaps moved within the sentences or cropped away. As a swift snapshot of a scene, it's excellent--no flaws in plot or characterization.

Hi Tzim!

 

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment here. The story is heavy with the overuse of adjectives and pronouns, but I couldn't really figure out how to get rid of some without giving away who the Asian guard and the cloaked stranger was until near the end. Hence the reason why I went overboard with the use of adjectives and nouns.

[Peredhil]

FWIW:

 

For What It's Worth.

 

It's received well by nearly anyone who's ever visualized a fight scene - and then discovered just how darned hard it is to write it!

 

Sophistication? Elegance? You flatterer you, showers her with flowers.

I tend to get a mind picture and then just write quickly.

 

Since, in my opinion, I'm such a terrible writer compared to people who craft, revise, rework, and polish their stories (a Zool, a Yui Temae, a Cyril Darkcloud), I usually have to click post and run away for a day or two -

if I reread, even to find spelling errors, I get the overwhelming urge to delete the post!

 

It's a constant source of amazement that people find something to enjoy in what I write.

 

Which I've found I have in common with many many MANY of those I consider good writers.

 

On the bright side, the Pen has taught me to keep my insecurities silent and just say, "Thank you."

 

That lesson comes from someone who posted at the old board, but hasn't made the transition to this one yet.

They sent me an email telling me how much they'd enjoyed something I'd written.

When I replied with how much it sucked, how it could've been better, yadda yadda yadda.

They wrote back and explained I'd basically told them they were too stupid to judge a good work from a bad one, and that my 'being modest' had made them feel as if they shouldn't have said anything in the first place.

 

Since that wasn't my intent... I apologized and tried to learn from it.

 

I write all this in hopes that sharing what I've learned about receiving uncomfy praise will strike a chord with you.

 

My apologizies if I bored anyone!

 

-Peredhil

[Quincunx]

Wyvern's "The Epheremal" was his first extended story without ever naming the protagonists, also--I'll try to flag him down and share any insight he'd gleaned. I used to use every single synonym I could think of, but that usually left the reader lost after the fourth one or so. Maybe keeping to only three would have been easier on the eye.