The Searching

[Seii]

I dunno, I think this is dedicated to all the girls I see who try to win the world over by dressing and looking "pretty" instead of being themselves.

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If she searches with her looks

Attention will follow

Attention is hollow

And the world is full of heart crooks

 

If she searches with her eyes

Electricity blips

Every man trips

And she is a nasty surprise

 

If she searches with her clothes

Heads will turn

Hearts will burn

And feeling ebbs and flows

 

If she searches with her dreams

The person is ideal

The person is unreal

And love is gone from the thought stream

 

If she searches with her self

She shows all that she will be

She shows reality, you see

And truely will love find HER on her shelf

[Quincunx]

The poem wavers and falls in imagery and meter during the last line of the next-to-last stanza (perhaps "And loving is gone from the stream?"--imagery still weak but the intended meter) and never recovers. If I touch the last stanza now, I'll impose too much of myself upon it--won't suggest anything.

[Seii]

I must admit you have a point. I realize that it breaks rhythm at the end. Also, I was at a bit of a loss as to how to finish this - I've seen more faults in my life experience than I have good results.

 

In other words, please do toy with the ending a little - I would be interested to see what you can envision from this theme. If I knew more girls who actually WERE themselves instead of one of the other stanzas, I'd probably have done a better job. ;;

[Rune]

Great subject. I really like the different sections and the general statement. I agree that the ending is slightly off and therefore seems to stop rather than end. Its beautiful none the less.

 

Thank you for sharing.