The Portrait of Zool Posted March 12, 2003 Report Share Posted March 12, 2003 I love this piece - classic Ozymandias! As always, your writing is accomplished with a deftness and humor which is hard to put down. Keep it up big guy! I love the style and personality of your narration. It seems almost as if an actual person is narrating. This might seem a strange thing to say, of course there's a person narrating, it's just that your narrator conveys far more personality and opinion than a 'regular' narrator. I'd like to talk about that. Tonight, he was ready for them. He almost seemed to rock back and forth slowly in anticipation in his silent vigil. Imagine surprise, disgust, and sudden, sharp pain as a ferocious right hook to the jaw sent him reeling backwards. Now, please realize I am getting very picky here, trying to give advice on flaws which may or may not exist, probably very much just the taste of the reader, which would be me, in this case. That being so, you may or may not want to change anything. Really I am just pointing this out so that you are aware of it - you may, in fact, choose to revel in it! In either case, you asked for it. So, back to the example, my point refers to the use of the word "imagine'. While this is very much in the direction of the famous Ozy style, which is a meta-dialog between the narrator and the reader, I found this blatant direction to the reader distracting. The narrator isn't just describing the scene, he outright tells you to Imagine the scene! As a reader, it is the sudden reminder that I am reading that could hang me up, jolting me, as it were, out of the story. As I said, this may not be a flaw. The risks and benefits, however, should be made plain. This technique works quite well for some people. Tom Robbins worked wonders by actually putting the narrator in the story as a real person in the last third of his first book; Another Roadside Attraction (A marvelous read, BTW). Terry Pratchett's exuberant narration style is also very embellishing. The thing to be careful of, however, is the narrator's voice imposing on the scene, as I think it may here, or even worse appearing mannerismed or judgemental. The scene is of a quiet dark shop. There are two lurkers in the dark. The trap is sprung, a hero accosted - and a fourth person steps in from the darkness telling you to imagine blah blah. Sorry guy, but I just found it a bit distracting. It seemed to slow the action down in my confusion - again though, that's prolly just me. Mannerisms are odd inflections of voice or word choice. F'rinstance, "unawares", used in the first line. Used as a consistent style, you may get away with this, through simply the inertia of maintaining a certain level of word oddity. However, I find it far more likely that this is just a typo. So anyway, used as you usually do, your 'personal' narration style is a gem, but I think you may want to think more specifically how you use it to complement a scene, and be careful of impinging in the readers imaginings. Write as you usually do, but when you go back and read over it, some things to ask yourself is if the narration complements the scene and allows the reader's imagination to do most of the work. Otherwise, good all around intro to the characters, though I would like to know more specifically what they look like eventually. The quirkyness of the characters and the setting has me interested - I want to read more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozymandias Posted March 12, 2003 Report Share Posted March 12, 2003 Hm. The use of "imagine" right there jarred me a little, too, but I *am* actually shooting for a storyteller's voice speaking here, at least in this proto-prologue and I was trying to hide what was really happening with Spidey as smoothly and sublty as I could, so I shifted into the commanding voice to help hide that Spidey wasn't actually feeling anything. "Unawares"...yeahhhh. That'll be fixed in the next update (ideally, tonight or Thursday. Freakin' schedule. {:>\). :>) Apologize not, Mr. Z. Like you said, I asked for it. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted March 13, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2003 Ah, I see. Yeah, that was good logic, though I don't see how he could 'be ready for them' any more than he could feel pain. But no, I hadn't thought it through that far. Perhaps you should leave it the way it is. Anyway, can't wait to see more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozymandias Posted March 20, 2003 Report Share Posted March 20, 2003 I was trying for good ol' anthropomorphization with Spidey, but am perhaps, being a bit too subtle. His whole ordeal is just a silly red herring that segues into a little slice of Colin. Too much? Too little? I'm feeling too much of a fence-sitter on that one. Ah well. We shall see. The add-ons and changes are miniscule, I know, and I apologize for that, but...Life! That sums it up. I am curious though, what you think of the narrating style for the two newcomers. The shift was deliberate, but I'm not 100% on how smoothly the two strangers' section fits with the rest. Oh, and is the description of our heroes a bit better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Portrait of Zool Posted March 22, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2003 I wanted to get to this and Final Death this weekend, but a sudden change in plans has me putting a sliding door in place of my rear window, so I prolly won't be on at all. I'll check it out as soon as I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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