Deadly Nightshade Posted March 10, 2003 Report Share Posted March 10, 2003 Tick Tock Time rolls by I can feel my life Slipping away Like blood from a wound Through my fingers is flows Mother father.. I love you both Though I still be young Mourn me not for I am gone from the mortal life And I pray you hold no spite for the man who did this to me the man who shot me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Archaneus Posted March 10, 2003 Report Share Posted March 10, 2003 Nice idea. I think you could make it sound a bit better if you put in some sort of rhyming scheme, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whynotsin Posted March 10, 2003 Report Share Posted March 10, 2003 I think if you added one more stanza to help carry out the theme a bit more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent Silver Posted March 10, 2003 Report Share Posted March 10, 2003 I like! I am remind of the Queen song 'Bohemian Rashapodsy' dor some reason... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted March 10, 2003 Report Share Posted March 10, 2003 Myself, I rather liked the basic idea... but I ditto the others. It's a good poem, but it could be better if you tried rhyming it or some such. Of course, I may just feel that way because I'm a lyrical sort of person, but that's my view on it. And the last line does seem a little bit... well... blunt. Perhaps overly blunt. If that's what you're trying for, go ahead. It just seems to me that it damages the flow of it. Just my thoughts on the matter, you may take them or leave them as you will, knowing that it is a good poem either way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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