RIvaL Posted January 17, 2003 Report Share Posted January 17, 2003 Hello. A friend of mine pointed me towards this forums. I tend to write short stories in my spare time so I decided to give this place a try. Personally, I think my narrative style is rather longwinded and eccentric at times. Oh well. I suppose practice shall eventually make it into something bearable.. but for now this is all I've got. Hope you like it ^^ http://www.sentrygun.com/ascension/story1.txt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted January 17, 2003 Report Share Posted January 17, 2003 The first paragraph was rather... out of style? I'm trying to think of the right words... jarring might work the best. Instead of gently sinking the readers into a suspension of belief, you jar them with 'this is fantasy!' "Emperors, Conquerors and Warlords had been known to run away screaming for their mommy's at the mere mention of Its cursed name..." a bit unbelievable, better that they should turn pale in fear. And after all that buildup, you won't tell us the name?! Gyrfalcon screams in frustration! Otherwise, an excellent story. Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted January 17, 2003 Report Share Posted January 17, 2003 Welcome to the Mighty Pen! -Peredhil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted January 19, 2003 Report Share Posted January 19, 2003 I just got around to reading "The Soldier and the Maiden", RIval, and wanted to say that I enjoyed it immensely. I find your superfluous style of speaking directly to the reader both original and entertaining, and think that your short, concise sentences offer a rapidly paced yet suspensefull read. Unlike Gyrfalcon, I liked the fact that you didn't give the name of the sinister book after the buildup describing it, due to your own fear of the consequences. In reading the story, I get a vision of you as a bard telling the tale to an attentitive group of listeners huddled quietly in a tavern of some sort. Of course, writing a story in this style does have a few disadvantages, one of them being that the reader can never take the story totally seriously as they know before hand that it's intended as high fantasy. In terms of possible improvements: the scene in which Ryon awaits the dreaded Maiden and hears the cries of the soldiers around him came across as rather funny to me as opposed to disturbing (though perhaps it was intended this way?). If you do want to make it more suspenseful and disturbing, I might recommend changing some of the exclamations, particularly "get this arm off me!" and "Is that an eye?" The one other thing I didn't really like is how you left the names of the fantasy countries up to the reader... Once again, great read! I recommend those that haven't gotten to reading this tale yet to do so as soon as possible. We can be expecting some more of your writing on these boards, I hope...? On a side note, I'm trying to put my finger on it... is that pic below your name from "Lain"? Good stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RIvaL Posted January 19, 2003 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2003 Thank you all for taking the time to comment. This means a lot to me. Gryfalcon: The "out of style" feel in the first paragraph was intended. The "jarring" wasn't. I wanted to create the fantasy atmosphere right from the start and perhaps prepare the reader for my writing quirks and failings. The excerpt about the Warlords... I was trying to add a bit of comedic relief since the story was getting increasingly darker. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea since it seems to have broken the mood I was attempting to create. I'll take of note of that in a future revision. Thanks for pointing it out. And cutting out the books name was very much intentional and I rather enjoy it like that ^^ Peredhil: Thank you kindly for the welcome! Wyvern: Thank you for your comments. I'll try and make the battle scene more interesting in a revision. It was intended to be a tad shocking and disturbing. Not really comedic. I'll improve it. And I'll come up with name for the countries if it really is that important. I had originally left them out so that the reader would have to provide names in hopes of getting him or her to become a more involved part of the narrative. Or maybe I was just lazy? You'll never know ^_~ Thanks for the kind comments. Yes, I shall post more stories and poems as soon as I find the time to pass them from my notebooks into the text editor. The picture underneath my name is Evangelion fanart. It's supposed to be an alternate version of Rei. Once again, thank you all for the kind comments. I'll be around Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nyyark Posted January 19, 2003 Report Share Posted January 19, 2003 I really enjoy your style. I think the removal of the word "fantasy" would solve would help the first paragraph without changing the meaning too much. Doing so would make the story feel like one told by a bard, or a father. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted January 20, 2003 Report Share Posted January 20, 2003 Rune puts on some reading glasses and opens a very large and intellectual looking book. The book, being at least twice her size, sits akwardly on her lap. She opens her mouth in an attempt to form some very interesting and intelligent sounding comments. Well the.. er.. Ok the difference between.. um, Ok well... I really liked it! Post more post more, She chants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigil StarGazer Posted February 10, 2003 Report Share Posted February 10, 2003 The style that "The soldier and the Maiden" is unique in nature... the tone of the narriative sets out the theme of the story itself, mockaries of fate and all the 'happiness and sappy endings' we believed in all fantasy tales. Sadly, the crude vocabulary in the story sounds more realistic in nature: Welcome to the hard real life, not all stories have happy endings... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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