The Making of the Pen's Quill ~The Quill Quest (All Welcome)

[Jakob]

Now available on VHS cassette and DVD – Lord of the Pens!

 

In a stunning announcement today, TPIMTTS marketing executives announced that the blockbuster literary docudrama “Lord of the Pens” will completely bypass movie theaters and be released directly to VHS video and DVD. Executives also announced that beta format will be available in select areas.

 

Included in the DVD format will be a behind the scenes exclusive depicting the hazardous yet humorous antics of several members of the production company. The pinnacle of the extra footage focuses on the up and coming members of the production staff tasked with the creation of the infamous Quill’s Pen.

 

The mystical pen that provides the Lord of the Pens with his powers is the focus for much of the picture and took several weeks to be completed.

 

As a sneak peek into this stunning production, TPIMTTS insiders have allowed us to preview, in its entirety, the extra footage captured during filming.

 

With absolutely no sense of self-promotion, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword Productions Inc. proudly presents: “The Making of the Pen’s Quill”.

[The Portrait of Zool]

Cool!

[Ozymandias]

STEP 1: CONCEPT ART

 

The camera pans across a section of the library that has been hastily converted into an animation studio. Mages and creatures alike labor dilligently on their sketchpads.

 

Voice over:

 

The first step in creating any good special effect or animation of any kind is the concept art. What should the final product look like? How does its design fit into the facts of the story? How does its desing incorporate the mood of the setting? These and many other questions are the ones the art team must tackle in this phase.

 

The camera has continued to pan, stopping to zoom in on this artist, then that one, showing us pens that look straight out of Greek Mythology, or Leonardo Da Vinci's nightmares. Some drawings are unintelligible scribble, others are massive in their construction and foreboding. Some are small, exuding a quiet, yet forceful physical prescence. The camera cuts over to a corner of familiar blue robe.

 

Voice over:

 

Let's see what work the Founder himself has already laid out.

 

The camera pulls back to reveal Ozymandias...snoring softly, draped over the back of his chair with his feet hooked under his drawing desk to keep from falling. A thin rivulet of drool dangles from his moustache, dripping slowly to the floor. A pencil already lies there. His drawing pad is nearly invisible due to the dozens and dozens of empty bottles of Woodchuck Cider until, tilting a little further back, a little further, then a little further, The Sand King's center of gravity defeats the desk's and bottles, desk, chair, art supplies and mage go crashing to the floor. When the furniture and glass shards have finally settled, his drawing pad stands, revealing a quick pen sketch of...a ball point pen with little stick arms and legs.

 

A groggy "I'm okay..." floats up from behind the counter Ozymandias toppled behind.

[Orlan]

Voice over:

 

Further into the dungeon, as they call it...

 

The camera moves down a solitary dark hallway with torches along the sides burning with the blue flames of hell instead of the florescent lights that where all over the rest of the building. As the camera slowly moves down the hall a door at the end of the hall becomes larger and larger. The door is chained shut and locked with several padlocks and suck. Across the middle is a plaque that says "Voice Over" with the line "Jechum's a wussie" spraypainted over the plaque.

 

Voice over:

 

...and down to the voice over room. Due to the absolute success of Jar Jar Binks, the completely CGI (Crappy General Insect) character of the Star Wars movie, the Lords of the Pen decided to add thier own versions of it, but they promised to spare no sense in getting the best voice actors for the job. They're in recording now...let's sneak in. Brutus?

 

A large Ogre with one horn steped out in front of the door and with his massive fist busts down the door, breaking it inward. Inside, Orlan, chief sound engineer, Chief Pimp, Chief Sexypants, CFO and all around Sexy Sexy Man, stares back at the camera. He's sitting in front of a Midas Heritage 3000, with his headphones around his neck. He was dressed in light clothing and the heat in the basemest made him look kinda wavy.

 

Orlan:

 

You know you could have used that door.

 

The camera pans to the left where another door stood that clearly said "Mixing Room: Use This Door Moron". The camera pans back to Orlan who's now talking through the mic to the sound booth.

 

Orlan:

 

Okay guys that was good, but the line is "But wait! Necromancy is outlawed!" not "But wait! Necrophilia is corpse fu-"... well you know what I mean.

 

The camera focuses in on the window into the booth where the Squirrel Duo are perched atop some chairs with thier headsets on and scripts in front of them.

 

Orlan:

 

Let's take it from page 9,734. From Tzimfemme's line "I can't let you use my gummie machine with evil intent" and remember, casual swearing is only funny the 6th or 7th time. Don't make me kick you two off the payroll and under an oncoming bus.

 

Muffled replies came back as reply. The camera started pulling out of the mixing room and back down the hallway

 

Voice over:

 

Truely, this is a work of the highest proportion. The big names attached to this movie outshine even Stevie Wonder...

[Jakob]

Commentator:

Ahem..

 

To continue, we will take a quick look at the Special Effects Group from the internationally reknowned CreamWorks Company based in Hollywood, California.

 

You may recongnize the name from such Blockbuster hits like the "Cream" Trilogy, "Cream Pow: Enter the Lactose", the upcoming Indiana Jones sequel "Raiders of the Créme Brulée".

 

Camera pans towards a closed door marked "Caution: Souflee Construction In Progress"

 

Commentator:

 

Okay, real quiet now. We don't want to sabotage the hard work...

 

Camera zooms in on the doorknob as a hand slowly opens the door and swings it inward.

 

Panning upward, the image shows the interior of the workshop. Several men stand around a small oven standing near one wall. Atop each head is a strange looking white puff ball mounted on a tall cylinder of cream colored cardboard...

 

A stream of gibberish fountains from each of the crewmembers.

 

Camera pans back to the commentator.

 

Commentator:

 

My God! They've cloned the Swedish Chef! Obviously, TPIMTTS has spared no expense in making this movie a ... SPLAT!!!

 

The camera zooms out to show a large splatter of dough smacking the commentator in the back of the head...

 

Commentator:

 

... blockbuster production. OOOF! Um.. OW! Perhaps we should move on to the... HEY! STOP THAT! ... musical scoring department. QUIT IT!

 

Camera backs out of the room to allow the commentator to retreat out of range of the irate chefs as they hurl various implements and foodstuffs towards the camera crew...

 

Camera fades to black.

[The Portrait of Zool]

Meanwhile, back at the animation studio...

 

"Cut!" Steven Spielburg sat immediately behind the cameraman, peering into the monitor as the action unfolded. Satisfied, the special guest director looked through a sheaf of papers titled in handwritten sharpie script (Sic) "The Mitey Pen - Quill quest.".

 

Suddenly a strange blue glow enveloped the set. Steven turned a page, his attention riveted to the printed words, oblivious to the tinted room, the sound of the sheet of paper piercingly loud to everyone else present, as though amplified in the sudden quiet on the makeshift set.

 

The blue glow intensified. Ozymandias' sketch pad began to tremble. His drawing of the ambulatory Pen trembled, then fluttered as if in a high wind. With a hefty 'Thwap' it bucked up into the air and out popped the figure of the little line drawing of a ball point pen with the skinny arms and legs in the air, as if three dimensional. The pad fell back down to the desk ready for writing and the figure of the pen with arms and legs settled on top of the page, poised for writing.

 

Ozymandias looked up from the floor in dismay, but all he could see was a diffuse blue glow against the ceilling and the edge of the desktop like a distant clifftop above him. Then the fog cleared slightly. He heard the scratching of a pen on paper. With a growing curiousity, he painfully pried himself from the floor, but his sleepy state and recent fall worked against him. He bagan to hear strange sounds...

 

"Scratch, scritch, scratch scratch... RIIIIP!"

 

Dazed but Intrigued, Ozymandias made his way closer to the edge of the desktop.

 

"Scritch scratch, scritch scriiiiiitch... RIIIIP!"

 

His hand made it's way to the edge of the top of the desk. With that leverage he foggily pulled his eyes up over the edge to witness what was taking place.

 

"Scratch, scritch, scratch scratch, scriiitch... RIIIIP!"

 

His rendition of a pen had taken on a life of it's own. He took it in, then doublechecked to make sure. Yep, The Pen, putting it's lined point to the sketch pad from which it had sprung, was writing furiously. Suspended in the air it was writing by itself, without attendant hand. To complicate things was an odd unaccountable blue glow permeating the local environment. As the pen filled each sheet, the sheet ripped itself off and fell to the floor, then the Pen started writing again at the top of the next page.

 

He saw;

 

"...when the ancient curse has been lifted,

and the ancient gate has opened,

When the ancient book of maps is left untouched,

for direction,

when life is thought to be over,

and begins...

for the five directions have been travelled,

healling the ancient wound...

Then,"

 

"RIIIIIIIIIIP!" that handwritten page fell to the floor, and the pen started at the top of the next blank page.

 

"Only then,

in the library of all the knowledges,

past, present, future,

shall be found the quill,

the quill of dreams,

writing on the white paper of existance

with the black ink of experience..."

 

"RiiiiiP!" Next page.

 

Ozymandias hung at the desk's edge for almost a full minute, just taking in the inexplicable sight.

 

Just then Wyvern came out of a side door and spied the curled sheets of paper on the floor. "Thank God!" he shouted as he scooped them up and hurried back to the open door. "You have no idea how bad I need these scraps!" Inside the door a commode could be seen with the top lid up, and next to the commode, an empty spool of obvious design. Ozymandias watched blankly as Wyvern walked hurriedly, his arms loaded.

 

With the sudden realization of the sheets eventual fate, Ozymandias bolted for the hurrying figure, scurrying along the floor like a snake. Catching him by the heel, the unsuspecting Wyvern went down in a heap, still clutching the sheets of paper.

 

"Let go Ozzy!" he said in consternation and alarm. Both figures squirmed on the floor uncomfortably, Wyvern trying to move into the open bathroom and Ozymandias holding him fast. "You don't know the danger you're in!" Wyvern shouted, and twisting, struck a stiff pose on his back, legs clamped together, eyes crossed.

 

"Give me those papers! I must have those papers!" Ozymandias clambered along the floor as well as his pounding head would take him, straining to reach the notes falling from Wyvern's grasp. Seeing Ozy struggling to hold him back, Wyv renewed his scramble to the open door of the bathroom. Ozy grabbed his leg again. "No you don't!"

 

The cameras kept rolling, Steven still oblivious.

 

"Ozy, I HAVE to have these papers - some papers - RIGHT NOW!"

 

Though struggling with the frantic Wyvern, Ozymandias' head had finally begun to clear. Still holding Wyvern's ankle in one hand with an iron grip, Ozy rolled over on his back and stretched out his free hand toward the bottom droor of his desk. With the tip of his finger, he was just able to pull the droor out and produce a roll of Wyvern's desire. With a quick flick of his wrist he flung it in a graceful arc toward Wyvern's head.

 

As Ozy watched the toilet paper rise into the air in a graceful trajectory, the moment seemed to freeze. For just a moment, at the top of it's arc, the roll appeared to float in the air, trailing a short length of squares, pure white against the darkened ceilling high above the glare of the camera lights, faintly reflecting the blue glow from the surrounding air, appearing for the moment as much more than simply the object of it's mundane fate, but seeming, for the moment, almost as an icon of salvation.

 

Wyvern looked up. Ozy released the ankle at Wyv's look of recognition. Wyvern jumped, papers flying, grabbed the roll, and was a blur sprinting into the bathroom. The door hit the wall and bounced shut at his passing, sparing everyone the spectacle of what happened next.

 

Not seen, but heard. It was over in seconds. The flatulent sounds filled the room as the blue glow left. Time returned to normal with the lighting. Normal awareness returned.

 

"Eeeeeew!" groaned the film crew.

 

Ozymandias was on his hands and knees, busily searching for every errant sheaf. "Somebody help me collect these papers!" he called, ignoring the natural disaster in the next room. He found the sheet with the drawing of the pen on it, and nothing else. He folded it carefully and put it in his pocket.

 

"Did you see that roll?" Steven asked incredulously, still staring into the air above where Wyvern had been laying a moment before.

~Zool~

[Jakob]

OOC:

GUFFAW!!!!