reverie Posted June 12, 2002 Report Share Posted June 12, 2002 Um, hi... It's been a while sense I’ve done one of these so bear with me... Okay, okay tuning into right brain... ready set go... So here I am considering as I usually do, all the various roads and paths that I’ve taken that have led me up to this point in life. I look back over my many years, (well not that many really) and look in the mirror and think, 'dang? How’d I get here.' Then I open up a half-forgotten journal I wrote for my senior year of high school. The first entry reading something: 'If I were five years older than I am now, I'd be the same age as my girlfriend. That's right she's 23 and tends to take up most of my free time, and I’m writing this because I don't want to forget about her in the years to come.' Well, the five years has past. More than five really, 6 years and I’m 24. Whatever she meant to me then, a piece or two still lingers on. As I read further into the journal, I laugh at as I recognize the actions and missteps that undid us. Seeing faults and mistakes, some of which have not all together left me... I see, fear and indecision of the future... I see the numb and blankness of mind I let fall over my eyes back then. A foolish yet effective defense mechanism against the past and all it's regrets. I remember the stomach pains and anxiety of that the both greatest and worst of year of my life... It was pure hell really, for reasons that I’m still not ready to go into... but one day I guess I’ll lift it off my soul and learn to have fun again. Until that time, I wonder in a kind of limbo, here and there, writing of this and that in the constant pretence of trying to better myself, expand my mind, and what not... Reading philosophy, searching for answers, forsaking what I once thought as truth in an attempt to open my mind up to more truth in the world, though a great part of me, believes everything's relative to the person in a subjective sort of way and the whole universal truth thing is just something we create so we can attach ourselves to something. That's is till I remember a felt power or presence from past that I quickly squash down to keep from infringing on my new open type mind. But then I can't blame all on that year, for it was just a small step really. Many paths could have been taking around all that confusion. Also I find now that life is not so bad, and I never feel more alive then when I’ve forming the rhythms and rhymes to poems or song in my head.... To lose yourself in anything is grand; to lose yourself in creating is a wonder. So, now I look again on today and the six years that have past. True I could have done them different, or maybe I even should have. However, I cannot change any of that. To tell the truth, I’m so much stronger now compared to the shell of person I was back then, why should i change any or it. So as I tune into my right brain while the left orders it all in neat dustbins, I choose to remember the past, yet move forward. Yet one mistakes still smites me, and blurs my vision no matter what games I play in my head. A light destroyed never shines the same again. Also I learned that the problem with remembering past is that you can always go back further and further.... And the further back you go, the less control you had. So much that if you go back too far, you start to ponder, oh, silly things... Like of all the places in the world my globetrotting mom, could have picked to live, why in the name of all that is sacred did she settle for Georgia. See you can't do stuff like that cause then you just keep going back and back... In my case I can go all the way back to say, just a little bit before the american civil war, in an fledging kingdom of Siam to curse a king for not leaving his throne to his son... But, thinking like that is stupid anyway, cause then you start thinking time travel, and hey wait a minute, I’m multi-racial and I’d prolly never have been born sort of scenario’s not so unlike Marty Mcfly exploits in 'back to the future' 1985! Ugh! Life's too short... If you want to rewrite the past fine, then do so, here's your quill, go for it buddy... Ya know there's a booming industry in alternate histories now a days. Ya know, like what if comic's... People are in love when the what ifs of the world. Maybe that what cause all the gossip too in the world. ...Well I’m pulling myself out of this tangent, I just realized I have a job to do bright and early, so sleep might be a good idea... But as i approach the edge of sleep, a thought lingers anyway... "i'm writting this because i don't want to forget her in the years to come" The old saying holds true, I guess: Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it... And in way you never imagined possible... good night all, revery the dreamlost... Edited by: reverie at: 6/12/02 7:16:43 pm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Fire Walker Posted June 12, 2002 Report Share Posted June 12, 2002 I would post a meaningful comment but I don't like reading long posts. My mind wanders. About half-way down the page I scroll down the rest of the way and pretend I read it. I'll probably finish reading this tommorow. What I read sounded interesting. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gyrfalcon Posted June 13, 2002 Report Share Posted June 13, 2002 *Gyrfalcon nods slowly* A worthy exercise- I'll try to remember to do it five years from now myself... (I'm at the same point you were at six years ago) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted June 13, 2002 Report Share Posted June 13, 2002 Unfrightened by Long Posts, Able to read a Kendricke in a single bound, Peredhil peruses.. There are whole volumes of source material in what you've expressed. Makes my Pen itchy... I personally believe exercises like this are very useful. As we take the feelings and wrestle them into words, it gives perspective and completeness to the thoughts they trigger. It's one technique to move past trauma and grow from it. The "I" of life never seems to change from the inside. Writing a journal really brings home how feelings and attitudes can do 180 degree turns over the years. I "feel" the same as I did when I was twenty, but when I look closely, I've changed so much! I struggle against tendencies now that I wallowed in back then for one thing! Good post. Thank you for having the strength to share honestly. Being a vulnerable writer seems to take great courage to me. -Peredhil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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