James Crow Posted August 18, 2012 Report Share Posted August 18, 2012 (edited) That missing piece. The one eluding me, keeping me from sleep. The one... on the tip of my tongue. That stops it all. Putting everything on halt. If only I could find a cease to that missing piece. Edited August 18, 2012 by James Crow Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted November 4, 2012 Report Share Posted November 4, 2012 I like this and I know the feeling. The second-to-last line feels a bit awkward to me, but I'm not certain why. (How's that for substantial feedback? ) Let me try to do better by you; Let's look at a syllable count and rhyme scheme. 4 A 5 B 5 C 2 D 6 E 4 F 6 G 8 A 5 A The letters and uneven counts would lead to blank poetry, free form. In the meters of an Occidental mind, an uneven count of "A"s is going to feel incomplete. Also in the context, "cease" isn't quite standard. Perhaps change it to "surcease"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harmonious_Echos Posted November 8, 2012 Report Share Posted November 8, 2012 Just my opinion, but I think the reason the last line feels 'awkward' is because he used 'to'. Maybe 'from' or 'of' would feel better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted November 8, 2012 Report Share Posted November 8, 2012 Hmmm, good feedback, H' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Crow Posted November 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2012 So you are telling me that my poem "That Missing Piece" is, in fact, missing a piece. To me that seems poetically ironic. But I see what you mean and I have seen it in a lot of my works. Going good till that last line, it is stating to drive me mad, short drive. And to make it worse the more I think about it the worse it gets. Well that was my rant, so now I will try to fix it, and by now I mean in the mourning. Thank you guys for your advise I will take it to heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 23, 2012 Report Share Posted November 23, 2012 Less is more Am thinking if you stretch the lines out like so, then you can soften the weight a bit. Short lines tend to pull the reader quickly down the page, but you punctuation throws in a lot of hard stops, which leads one to think the persona is weighing every word as if they were talking about something of grave importance. However, IMHO, you also could tweak to tone to a (slightly) more meditative one by using longer lines. The two lines that address "stopping" and "halting" can be nixed, if you let the "tip of my tongue" line to carry the metaphorical weight of the poem instead of spelling it out all direct like. cheers, revery That missing piece. The one eluding me, keeping me from sleep. The one, on the tip of my tongue. If only I could find a cease to that missing piece. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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