Vlad Posted July 9, 2009 Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 for one second i'm there hands knees on all fours my sin my gin a fifth out of reach smell of sex and vomit and early sabbath morning service sorry that i can't remember what i've said or ate or drank or didn't but tend to lose time dozing in between the moments how unlucky for me to be this way amen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted July 14, 2009 Report Share Posted July 14, 2009 Just found this. I think it counts as brilliant, for the ability to bring back a multisensory memory I rather not remember... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted August 6, 2009 Report Share Posted August 6, 2009 Nice poem, Vlad. :-) I like how it starts off with basic counting and number-related imagery, and then shifts into a contemplation about the losses of time that the habits have caused. The lines "on all fours" and "a fifth out of reach" are both excellent creative uses of numbered imagery, and the religious undertone in "early sabbath morning service" and "amen" gave the habits an even more shameful and sinful feel. In terms of possible things to improve in revisions, the line "how unlucky for me to be this way" felt a little off to me, since it's the only example of self-pity in the piece and kind of feels like an off-handed comment on the side compared to the rest of the poem. Anyway, good poem Vlad. :-) Thanks for sharing it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigil StarGazer Posted August 18, 2009 Report Share Posted August 18, 2009 *applause* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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