Open letters

[Mynx]

I found this website tonight while looking for something to read, and during my hunt I came across a section entiteled "Open Letters to People or Entities who are Unlikely to Respond."

I then found one entitled "To my Sister's Psychotic Dogs" and thought I'd shamelessly write my own rendition of a similar topic.

 

So here, I present to the Pen, a thread for open letters to anyone or thing who may not respond.

Enjoy

[Mynx]

An open letter to my sister’s psychotic cat:

 

Dear Jessie,

 

I’m sure it is no mystery that I am a cat person. Nor is it an unknown fact that I do indeed like most animals I encounter. But you, my dear…thing…do not fall into this category.

 

The first issue I take with you is the fact that you bring shame to the species. Cats are graceful, beautiful hunters. You can’t even jump up to the window without falling over. And yes, I was watching that time you fell down behind the computer desk.

 

Yes, I have seen how well you “hunt” the brightly coloured catnip mouse. But that does not mean I think you are a good huntress, nor do I condone you using my bare, unprotected foot as the landing pad for your pounce/maul/death charge.

 

You are not a princess, we are not your slaves, I WILL throw you out of a room if you do not stfu at 6am. Do not think my parents equal safety for you, cat, I have my ways.

 

Then there is the issue you seem to take with the dog. Get over it. He’s ten years older than you, ten times your weight, and the only reason he doesn’t eat you is because he loves my sister too much. But just because he could eat you does not mean you need to challenge him to a fight every time you see him.

 

And no, I do not find your inability to pass him when he’s sleeping to be adorable. Maybe I would have found it slightly endearing if my attempts to carry you past him did not leave me with scars in my upper arms.

 

Next time I catch you picking a fight with him, I’m shaving you and coating you in BBQ sauce. I’ll buy my sister another pony. Believe it or not, they’re lower maintenance than you are, Miss I-can’t-eat-the-same-meal-twice.

 

My days in this place are numbered, cat. So are yours.

Pray that my tenure runs out before my patience does.

 

Yours sincerely,

Mynx

[The Portrait of Zool]

Now THAT is FUNNY!

[Tralla]

Very well written, Mynx!

[Wyvern]

Dear Geld,

 

How long have we known each other for now, a good twenty fourty sixty dragon years? You've always come and gone, trading me for other people and sometimes running off and reinventing yourself, but I've always stayed a committed and faithful believer in the two of us. O geld! I had my times with silver and copper, but they sssimply don't compare. I know that there are occasionally things that come between us, like fashion funds and Orlan's reputation for claiming you, but know that there's always a little decently sized corner of my mind that dreams of the two of us relaxing in a little large enormous hord, with me spread out in your lap of luxury.

 

I remember the first time I laid my eyes on you. It was a standard pillage of a poor sorceror's outcrop during the Mage Wars, and you were sparkling through the ashes of some former treasury. I had heard rumors about you out in my volcanic homeland and had focussed my studies on learning to identify, admire and obtain you, but nothing could have prepared me for the real thing. I remember the glint of your cool smooth skin as I brushed my claws against you, longing for more of you, tasting your metallic flavor along with what tasted like a bunch of ash and some dirt and maybe a bit of gravel. I could have buried myself right then and there if the counterattack hadn't occured, and then you were gone as quickly as I had spotted you. I knew then and there that I would ssstop at nothing* to get you back.

 

And I schemed for you my love. O yes, I schemed! Even during the Mage Wars, I hosted films of high-elves, bottled free brew, and recorded dangerous quartet songs all in your pursuit! And after I sssettled in the Pen and learned that there was more to life than you, I still continued searching for your company, with schemes that took me even to the farthest reaches of lingerie cabinets across the Keep (which I admittedly would have explored anyway). I love your golden hue in every form imaginable, be it in those perfect little coin formations that I always crave, in statues and dust, in chocolate wrapping or skimpy cheerleader outfits bordering on lingerie (which I admittedly would have desired anyway). Your possibilities are as endless as my inspiration, which... is not endless. But I love ya anyway, ya big hunk of gold spin-off product!

 

Thank you for keeping me company late evenings when by candlelight I've counted you in careful stacks. Thank you for helping me decide what to invest in in my schemes by showing me either Heads or Tails. And thank you thank you THANK YOU for allowing CheerMynx to stay on top of her game (which I admittedly would have followed regardless), remind me to give that gal a raise at some point! Just hopefully not some point in the really near near fairly close relatively close future. I do still like spending time with you geld.. don't you ever abandon me again!

 

Dictated but not read,

Wyvern

 

* 'cept succubi.

 

---

 

Wyvern sets his open introductory letter down along with several thousand pages detailing open letters to each individual geld piece, then scampers off in search of... well, you know.

[Gwaihir]

An open letter to whoever remodeled our kitchen at work,

 

I never really saw anything wrong with the old kitchen, but I was willing to be positive and was ready to enjoy the remodeled kitchen. After the allotted two weeks, I got a bit impatient, but I understood that sometimes greatness takes time and I accepted that truly amazing changes were in store. After two MORE weeks, you finally let us in to the poisonously smelly kitchen. Truly I am not impressed.

Still, I will give you a chance to explain a few of your peculiar decisions. We can start with the easier questions to allow you to warm up.

Did it really take two extra weeks to replace an perfectly good tile floor with another tile floor that squeaks under my shoes?

Why did you six times try to move our aluminum can recycling center despite the fact that my coworkers put it back every time?

I highly approve of your interest in recycling, but why did you get rid of our three non-recycling trash cans and replace one small one? Are you surprised that now the trash overfills the container and makes a mess for the janitor? I am sure she would not have done something so foolish, if you had consulted her. Why didn't you bother to find out about trash volume before deciding we didn't need those containers?

Why did you take away the bar-like piece of furniture in the middle of the room and replace it with one half its size? Surely you do not think that our growing size means we need less counter space than we did when we were smaller?

On a related note, why do you keep un-fixing the bar so that it is crooked? I know that we keep fixing it, because I have twice helped coworkers to shift this heavy object.

Why did you move the paper towel dispenser across the room so that it is far from the sink?

Having removed two-thirds of our counter space, why did you think you should supply two extra coffee machines that are of far worse quality than the ones we had (which are completely sufficient for our needs)?

How did you manage to break two working microwaves such that after you put them into the new kitchen they stopped working? I used them the day before they moved, so I know they worked.

Are you advocating anorexia or why did you install the two water coolers so very close together that a pair of thin ants couldn't use them simultaneously? Surely it occurred to you that if we need two coolers (we do) then we would like them to be both usable at the same time? Was it just a bonus that anyone using either cooler will get in the way of anyone getting coffee?

Why did you take our above-sink working cabinets and replace them with fake cabinets that won't open?

And having done this odd thing, why do you write snotty notes threatening to discard all dishes that are not in the cabinets?

This kitchen remodeling job is truly the best advertisement I have seen for Almost Dragon Remodeling Services*. I am positive they can do a better job!

I look forward to your answers on these matters and I hope they are more enlightening than the nice sink-lamp you removed.

 

Thanks,

Me

 

*No insult intended at all to the wonderful advertising staff there. Please understand that despite their excellence at selling awful products, this kitchen exceeds the efforts of any intentional advertising.