Thinas Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 Hey all, The following is the result of my muse helping me unload a series of frustrations regarding a girl that I currently date. The piece is nothing epic or universal - It's just another story of a regular guy's problems with those irresistible abominations called women. This one in particular causes me quite the mental hazzle and so I wrote this, and though addressed to her she is certainly not meant to ever see it. It is merely a ventilation - But for the sake of constructive criticism (and for the sake of having an audience at all, bless you people) I decided to post it here. My relationship with her is somewhat untraditional and interesting to me because we're so horridly different that the concept of her and I as a couple is unthinkable in itself - She is a typical mainstream girl, dresses normally, goes to cafés, listens to pop and soft rock, and so on. I, on the other hand, is a roleplaying geek with my head solidly buried in the world of hardcore metal music, which heavily influences the way I look. This setup makes for some interesting conversations between her and I, and the relationship's future is questionable at best. The poem is entitled "Ambivalence" because that's how I feel about women - I absolutely love them and cannot imagine living without them, but I loathe the complications they bring and the way they seem to insist on screwing my head up. Hope you enjoy! Ambivalence Flowing, soft, fair hair Bright blue eyes and angelic skin Hourglass waist to tell the tale Of grace and beauty, so feminine Army boots and slouchy walk Chains of metal to scream the name Dangling laces and holey pants Long black coats complete the frame Such a mismatched pair we make Us together is either miracle or joke Tell me, do we grow with the differences? Or suffer and crumble under their yoke? The curse is there at conversations Goodness dear, the bullshit you can spew! I open my mouth, and I’m perfectly sure, What comes out is exactly the same to you But it’s forgotten, there at home Buried by Eros to conflict smother: Resting in my arms and I in yours Entangled in sheets and each other There is beauty here, in my world Even in growling and grinding guitars Truth, hidden in cryptic lyrics Why, sweetie, the hopeless visage? Unless, in time, on own volition I cannot and will not deter Since bending to mainstream is gutless Honestly, is that what you prefer? “To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.” - Ghandi To extend my hand in loving invitation, To reveal what’s whispered and what they say Please, love, please, won’t you realize? The door opens outwards, and you’re in the way. But you’re going to leave me. Aren’t you? Scared or bored away. The doubt returns at lonesome nights Where feelings run high and mind astray The choice is yours but make it soon Thoughts based on emotion, ultimately If you can live with this longhaired boy Then stay and be loved indefinitely But if you scoff and shy at whom I am Embarrassed and willingly blind to see Then, my dear, it says more of you, Than it does of me. ~Thinas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mardrax Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 (edited) Very nice indeed I'll get to posting something a bit... more later, as I've just gotten home now, it's 6.45 AM and I need sleep For now, I just want to say I have a friend who's in a relationship I would think similarly complicated, as they seem to have a bit of the same issue between them. Except for him always having said he was going to grow his hair but never actually did But all the differences between them don't seem to hinder them at all, and they've been happily together -for all I know- for well over two years now. Just remember it's all a game of give and take And wether you have a girlfriend who's into Justin Timberlake and 50 Cent, or one who falls asleep to Cannibal Corpse and Zyklon, there's bound to be differences between you anyhow Edited November 30, 2006 by Mardrax Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted November 30, 2006 Report Share Posted November 30, 2006 As always there is a certain beauty in the simplicity of your words, and I enjoyed reading this in an "oh it's a Thinas sighting, let's see what he has to say this time"-way, and then I fell over this one: The door opens outwards, and you’re in the way. I love it, adore it, it's the one precious gem in all metaphores you go for here. *breathes* There, now that I said that... *listens to the crickets chirping* yeah.. now that I said that, I'm drawing a blank. I wanted to say that at least, so now I did. *leaves in a flurry of black cloth and dark perfume* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thinas Posted December 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2006 (edited) Well... I appreciate the optimistic comment Mardrax, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to burst the bubble. My premonition was unfortunately correct and the timing of the poem frighteningly good. I'm certain people can learn to either overcome or live with this kind of massive differences, but this one didn't work out. It ended last night in a bar at 4am, accompanied by a short fight, an exchange of nastily direct questions, truths and subsequently, a truck load of hurt. It's such a shame, but from a purely objective point of view, I fear I may have been too idealistic about this. It's funny you were to point out that exact line Appy, as it formed the basis of the poem and was, along with the very last verse, the first to be written. Thank you for the nice comment. ~Thinas Edited December 2, 2006 by Thinas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted December 2, 2006 Report Share Posted December 2, 2006 Very good poem, Thinas. :-) I really like the details that you used to draw upon the two opposing personalities, and thought that the way you juxtaposed her gentle beauty with the dark chains and death metal screams was excellent. The stark contrast was effective in conveying a sense of frustration and absurdity in the relationship, and there were many refreshing moments that caught me off-guard and surprised me as good poetry does. I really like the whole stance of musical integrity that the narrator takes in the piece, and agree with Appy about the "door opens outwards, and you're in the way" line. The wording of the line "Buried by Ethos to conflict smother" also stood out to me, and I really liked the casual jeering tone of the fourth stanza. Nice closing lines, too. :-) In terms of possible improvements, the third stanza was the one point where I felt that the piece was trying to sound a bit more "epic" in its wording and tone. The stanza felt a little awkward to me in the context of the rest of the piece, and you might consider either dropping it or revising it with a more personal tone that fits the rest of the piece. Also, while the line itself is excellent, the Ghandi quote felt a little out of place to me in the middle of the poem, as it just seemed to be dangling like an afterthought between stanzas. I think that section of the poem might work better without the Ghandi quote interrupting the flow of the stanza, though you could also try to incorporate it into one of the stanzas or even build a new stanza around it. Anyway, good stuff Thinas. :-) It's always great to see a new post from you here. I'm sorry to hear that the relationship didn't work out in the end, and hope that you've been doing well regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted December 2, 2006 Report Share Posted December 2, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwaihir Posted December 6, 2006 Report Share Posted December 6, 2006 Very powerful piece, Thinas. It expresses you brilliantly and the relationship too. I've had a relationships and friendships rather like that I think. Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing a truly meaningful piece of artwork. As you probably know, that's not a compliment I give lightly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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