Mira Posted October 8, 2006 Report Share Posted October 8, 2006 We have left the Nuclear Age Have forgotten that we're gonna kill us all The fallout washed over me like rays of the sun Warm on my arms and upraised face I've never once feared that I'd be vaporized as I drew ragged breath under a meager desk (I suppose my father had, I've never thought to ask) I see signs for shelters and laugh. I have seen a silo before, seen it empty and derelict The middle of the Arizona desert, 1995 But I can't understand what it was for I can't comprehend Thermonuclear War What ever happened to all that fear? Hopped a train and said its goodbyes Came back a moment later under different guise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted October 8, 2006 Report Share Posted October 8, 2006 (edited) I was impressed when I read this in your Braindump already Mira, and still am. It might be because I just played a bit of Fallout (game about an apocalyptic world years after the Big Boom aka, Atom-wars) but you really bring out pictures of desolate wastes and the warm all consuming nuclear winds to my mind's eye.. Ofcourse, because of this, the last to sentences of the first stanza are definitely my favorite. A very strong image. For some reason I keep reading "washes" though... not sure why. My command of english tenses isn't good enough to ensure you if it could be changed, or kept like it is. Where did the fear go indeed? Buried under the prospects of more money and crowd control I'm afraid... Edited October 8, 2006 by Appy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 8, 2006 Report Share Posted October 8, 2006 (edited) Changing "washed" to "washing" changes the meaning slightly. If he says "washing," then he is implying that the same figurative fallout (of fear? or preparation for disaster???) is still occurring into the present. "washed" implies that these musing over the nuclear age is all reflection. And either variation works really. Hmm, but that's the tricky thing about english, the tenses are not as precise as compared with languages like latin or french. You have to rely on logic to feel it out some times, and if that's not a contradiction, I don't know what is. Very nice mira. Yeah, I get the burned out image of a world in the aftermath of a nuclear war, but as an imagined overlay of the actual reality that the speaker is living in. Love the last lines with about the fear hopping a train then coming back in another form. Great commentary. The only thing I have to suggest, which I already know you won't change, is that the phrase, "we're gonna kill us all" really should be in italics. However, since the rest of the poem is already in italics, the point is moot. Hmm, and quotes might be overkill...not sure. rev... Edited October 8, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted October 8, 2006 Report Share Posted October 8, 2006 (edited) Washes... not washing. edit: remind me to read before posting please *rolls eyes at self* I see what you mean now... but to me it still makes more sense when looking at the whole of the poem... oh well, it's up to Mira I'd say, it works fine as it is as well. Edited October 8, 2006 by Appy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted October 8, 2006 Report Share Posted October 8, 2006 ya know my brain can't remember if I writing to explain "washing" or "washes" now. At any rate I think 'ing' vs. 'es' would change the emphasis of the line as well. I do not know the technical terms for this. And it's hard to enough to discern a significant difference as is. Still. to me "washing" implies the action is somewhat removed and places more emphasis on "me." Where as using "washes," the action is more immediate and emphasis placed on the "the fallout." I think. Devil's in the details. rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mira Posted October 9, 2006 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2006 Apparently there is still reason to fear... Thanks for the comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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