Mira Posted July 12, 2006 Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 I've written these over the past twenty four hours. Hopefully I can do something with them later. #68 The eldritch noise of AM radio waves wakes me from my sleep What time is it? 11pm or 3am For all I know I might be dead This is hell or purgatory Surely not heaven, not for me But I'll settle for this place; out of time and out of space An existence that may only lie within my mind And a voice in the dark that sounds a lot like mine Says "Go to sleep friend, it will be alright" A lie But I don't mind ---------------------------------- My rivers are dammed up Jammed up Straining to break free And she won't take and he won't take and I won't take me But what then? When the levies break and my world becomes the sea What then my friend? Can I continue to be? ------------------------------------- Am I a young man who's stumbled into an old man's world, Or are all of the old stuck in mine? Blowing around like yesterday's news; slightly soggy and decades past their prime. Their moth-eaten ideas so covered in dust are rendered useless to me I've spent so long trying to get young and now that I'm here I'll reserve my right to disagree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mira Posted July 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2006 Some slight changes My rivers are dammed up Jammed up Straining to break free And she won't take and he won't take and I won't take me as me But what then? When the levies break and my world becomes the sea What then my friend? Can I continue to be? ------------------------------------- Am I a young man who's stumbled into an old man's world, Or are all of the old stuck in mine? Blowing around like yesterday's news; slightly soggy and past their prime. Their moth-eaten ideas so covered in dust are rendered useless to me I've spent so long trying to get young and now that I'm here I'll reserve my right to disagree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted July 13, 2006 Report Share Posted July 13, 2006 I like this set of poems, Mira. :-) A number of the concepts and images that you presented in it stood out to me, particularly the "I won't take me as me" line in the edited version and the newspaper simile. I think the edits you made are an improvement over the original version, and felt that there was a certain theme of age and languid movement that all of the pieces shared. In terms of potential things to improve, I didn't like the use of "rendered" in the sixth line of the last poem, as it struck me as having a more formal tone than the rest of the piece. Perhaps some other word could be used in its place, like "turns"? Anyway, this is some nice stuff. :-) Thanks for sharing these here, Mira. It's nice to see you posting again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zepheri Posted July 13, 2006 Report Share Posted July 13, 2006 I like these poems. I feel sad when reading them, however my work is just the same. I like that can relate my life and feelings to them. You did a great job on that, capturing the emotions anyway. This is the first time I’ve read your work; I must say I’m very impressed. I would give you more, such as grammar and what not, but I’m retarded when it comes to that. Keep up the good work ^___^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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