The Death of Rats Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 1 the theory of relativity is deceptive Read between the lungs Dragons are crunchy and taste like ketchup 2 Dense like hardwood Splintered like glass Burning rubber 3 Still looking for it Found out where it was What a long, strange drip it's been 4 dry tears this is where my pen begins rest perchance to believe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 *frowns* Not sure how to read this...but I do see a couple of lines that could each become great poems... Oh, and I liked the 3rd one *giggle* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted April 19, 2006 Report Share Posted April 19, 2006 love #4! =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finnius Posted April 20, 2006 Report Share Posted April 20, 2006 #1 for the win. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted April 20, 2006 Report Share Posted April 20, 2006 (edited) Um, not to cast any stones but the line "Dragons are crunchy and taste like ketchup" sound too much like the bumper sticker/internet proverb: It is not wise to meddle in the affairs of Dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup or it's variat: Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Which is just a parody of this: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. "The Fellowship of the Ring", J.R.R. Tolkien I realize you are altering commonly used phrases/idioms through out your poem But the "dragons" line seems far too specific where as your other intended mis-quotes are more general and cliche and thus more likely have a greater usuage in spoken language. They are probably even considered in public domain. And "Dragons" could be in public domain as well, but it is the least likely phrase in your poem, that could have come from your own brain without outside influence(hmm, though the trip/drip is pretty close too,) so it sticks out. Just something to keep in mind when alluding to other peoples words, be consistant. A good title like "Mispoken Words" or better might help absolve this too. rev... Edited April 20, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Death of Rats Posted May 2, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2006 ______________________________ Dear Rev, Here's the breakdown: "the theory of relativity is deceptive" thast bit's all mine "Read between the lungs" =a play on 'read between the lines'. Doesn't mean much, othe rthan I was referring to hte heart "Dragons are crunchy and taste like ketchup" =parody of the 'Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons...'. yadda yadda sasying, 'cos I always liked Gandalf's words better. Plus, the idea of dragons tasting like ketchup made me giggle. Still does. "Dense like hardwood" mine. "Splintered like glass" mine, but led into tghe thought train for the next line1- "Burning rubber" take that with "splintered like galss", it's a play on the lines "I'll be burnin rubber, you'll be kissin my ass", from Get bhe Partyy Started by Pink. "Still looking for it Found out where it was" mine "What a long, strange drip it's been" paraphrasing ...dammit, just forgot his name...gateful dead...why do I keep thinking of Jimmy Hoffa...fuzzy guy... he's dead... Ah well. Fellow who used to lead sing for the Grateful Dead, said :"Sometimes the light's all shingin on me, othe rtimes, I can barely see; lately , it occurs to me, what a long, starnge, trip it's been" My tweaked comment refers to m'reliance on coffee for mental clarity What was his @#$%&ing name? GAH! "dry tears" Mine. Meant to put reade rin mind of trying to suss whethe r I was aksin someone to dry their tears, or referring to the oxymoron of someone's teras being dry, or whether someone's tears had dried up "this is where my pen begins" = play on the line "this is where your book begins" from Natasha Bedingfield's song "Unwritten" Not really sure what I menat by it, but the general idea was that it referred to the origin of myy imagination "rest perchance to believe" = play on Shakespeare's line from...whatever it was... "to sleep. perchance, to dream" Had a meaning, can't think of it atm. Anywho, thgere's your papr trail. Now, minfd if I ask you what upset you so about this piece? I can tell yer bugged, but in reading your explanation of how & why, I still don't get it... Help a fella out? Sincerely, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted May 3, 2006 Report Share Posted May 3, 2006 I found this highly entertaining. Vielen Danke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted May 3, 2006 Report Share Posted May 3, 2006 (edited) Jerry Garcia was the grateful dead front man. My dad's a dead ringer for him... What bothered me? I guess, I just don't get it. Maybe the jokes are too clever me. (intial comments removed because) rev... Edited May 3, 2006 by reverie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted May 3, 2006 Report Share Posted May 3, 2006 With a little work they each would make cool haiku's Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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