Lone Shadow Posted January 3, 2006 Report Share Posted January 3, 2006 (edited) Awakened from a peaceful slumber The beast roars to life Tearing off down the trail She searches out her prey. Gracefully dancing across the rocks Powering her way over the mud Nimbly changing her course As she leaps through the brook. Clawing up the slope Lunging into the air as I crest it Cutting hard to the left as I land Pausing to catch my breath. Loving the hunt Thrill of the chase I live in Baja I am Volkswagen. A far cry from my usual style, but coming back from a VW Meet 'n Greet / New Year's campout, fragments of this were forming in my head. Not 100% happy with it, so I'll more than likely be coming back to it later to revise it. Hope you enjoy. Edited January 3, 2006 by Lone Shadow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted January 3, 2006 Report Share Posted January 3, 2006 First of all I'd like to say that I think this is pretty good, it sparkled my imagination But (there's always a but ) I really liked the first two stanzas where you write from the point of view of the observer and then in the third stanza you change towards a viewpoint of yourself. You ride that beast, and you basicly steer it. I would keep it in the observer mode, or write it all from your own view. The third stanza could for example be: Clawing up the slope Lunging into the air as she's crested Cutting hard to the left as she lands (or: as gravity draws her back, or something like it) Pausing to catch her breath. Also the last stanza kind of killed the poem to me. I think a strong poem is where the reader can take that what speaks to his imagonation and create his own images. The images created in the first two stanza's are really nice, but by giving too much clarity in the fourth stanza it kinda broke the spell for me. Again though, really nice, and you already said you would go back and reword probably, and I'm looking forward to that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lone Shadow Posted January 4, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2006 In my mind, when I was writing this, I wanted the 3rd and 4th stanzas to be seen from the car's perspective, not the driver's. You're right though, it should probably stay in 3rd person. That would make it easier to follow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted January 7, 2006 Report Share Posted January 7, 2006 Still I can say lots of things here, fact remains that I really like this poem, already the way it is now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepless Posted January 16, 2006 Report Share Posted January 16, 2006 Love it. It's one of life's simple pleasures when your mind gets left behind by a unexpected phrase and you become momentatrily disorientated by words. Heh, not wishing to argue with sweetcherrie, but I felt the perspective change was fine. If anything it threw me even further off-track ('scuse the pun) and really left me unprepared for those last two lines. One reads so much poetry these days that does all the right things and makes all the right noises, but seems to be missing that single killer punch. Well.. this one punched me Cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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