WrenWind Posted August 12, 2005 Report Share Posted August 12, 2005 Darkness envelopes the world tonight. Little girl in tatters stares, beyond tears. Teddy bear in the street lost in flight. No home left to hide from the fears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regel Posted August 12, 2005 Report Share Posted August 12, 2005 The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. The piece you wrote Wrenwind proves it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted August 12, 2005 Report Share Posted August 12, 2005 That was ... simply... heart-breaking I thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted August 15, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2005 Pushed too far to cry Tears never make a difference So hard to hide, inside I die Leaving me Empty and tense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted August 15, 2005 Report Share Posted August 15, 2005 Both are so full of feelings... thank you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted August 15, 2005 Report Share Posted August 15, 2005 They complete eachother, very nice work.. I love simplicity like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted August 15, 2005 Report Share Posted August 15, 2005 moi aussi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted August 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2005 Heavy or empty? Still not sure The world around isn't as bright as before Black and blue fluctuate through the heart Still little bits of brightness poke through to the core Revealing that there can be a new start Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted August 26, 2005 Report Share Posted August 26, 2005 I really like the original "Beyond Tears" poem, Wrenwind. :-) I think it conveys a very sharp image and message in a few short lines, and found it very evocative. I also thought that the ABAB rhyme scheme of the poem was very effective, especially with the rhyme of "tears" and "fears" which set the tone nicely. In terms of potential improvements: the syllable count of the second line seemed a bit off from the rest of the poem to me, and you may want to consider dropping "stares" or changing the wording a bit to help it flow better. Also, the phrase "lost in flight" struck me as a bit awkward in the context of the third line, and you might consider rephrasing it somehow. Anyway, "Beyond Tears" definitely stood out to me. Very nice work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts