Sweetcherrie Posted June 1, 2005 Report Share Posted June 1, 2005 (edited) When I looked into your eyes I saw that we could seize the skies I told my lonely heart some lies Deafened it for good advice So I gave all my love to thee And begged you to give back to me Then we could be an entity Entwined into eternity You had something else in store You took it all, and then some more Left me standing at the door Used me like some cheap- No, I will make myself forget How you kicked me from your bed Denied my feelings of regret I will make myself forget I closed my heart and built a wall Impenetrable for them all Darkness The scent of a new dawn arose, like a hot day after rain can smell I tasted a bittersweet longing, a flavour mixed with farewell Soft whispers of hope reached my ears, sounding like tinkling bells The wall crumbled under my hands, released me from my personal hell But my heart blows blindly at the newly found cinders, showing me the sparks Edit: changed the last line from starting with and it now starts with but. Thanks HappyBuddha Edited June 2, 2005 by Sweetcherrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted June 1, 2005 Report Share Posted June 1, 2005 Nice. There were a couple of lines I might have another look at for flow... But aside from that I really enjoyed the story you told. It is one I know well, not necessarily from my life, but nevertheless it is one I know all too well. I especially liked the change at the end. Qudos, my friend *grins and hugs you* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nyyark Posted June 2, 2005 Report Share Posted June 2, 2005 I like it. The first two stanzas share a simmilar structure, but the third breaks from it by rhyming all four words (sorta). And the fourth has forget at the end of two lines. Is this intentional, because it kinda threw me off. Otherwise very good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted June 2, 2005 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2005 The third stanza breaks the rhyme on purpose indeed, cause it's something I wanted to stand out. I was trying to create the effect of a thought that is stopped mid-sentence, but it probably came out less strong than I had hoped. I had a different version of the 4th stanza first: No, I will make myself forget How he kicked me from his bed Deny my feelings of regret nor will I even get upset But I wanted something more powerful, something that showed more determination. So I decided to throw it around and tried to put more anger in it, and at the same time these feelings of determination by repeating the first line. In the last line I had written will in bold, but changed it back later. No, I will make myself forget How you kicked me from your bed Denied my feelings of regret I will make myself forget Often I read my poems out loud to myself and listen if it works or not. But thank you for asking these questions, they help me to analyse what I'm doing and why I'm doing it *huggles both* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nyyark Posted June 2, 2005 Report Share Posted June 2, 2005 It might be a clearer break if you hadn't used advice in the first stanza, as it isn't a true rhyme, or if you put a No after that dash. This way it signifys a change of thought rather than censorship. On a reread I like the fourth stanza more. I was just mentally trying to conform it to the other three. I personally love when people ask me questions about my poetry, because it helps me grow too. *huggles* Always glad to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyBuddha Posted June 2, 2005 Report Share Posted June 2, 2005 (edited) I really like this poem, Sweet. Very accomplished - sometimes the structure doesn't *quite* click with the words, but I nitpick precisely because its so good. The better a poem is, the more the flaws with it stand out, as is the case here. Overall a very fine piece of work that you should be proud to call your own Edit: Perhaps the very last line would work better if you clipped a few words? I thought it might be more effective if, instead of using: And my heart blows blindly at the newly found cinders, showing me the sparks You used: And my heart blows on newly found cinders, showing me the sparks It seems like the "blindly" is just a random alliteration that clunks it up, while using an article before "newly found cinders" again seems to clunk it. Edited June 2, 2005 by HappyBuddha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted June 3, 2005 Report Share Posted June 3, 2005 The form reminds me a little of Edgar Allan Poe. I like this a lot. My favorite line But my heart blows blindly at the newly found cinders, showing me the sparks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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