Arashi Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 (edited) NOW WITH PUNTUATIONS! Bind my wings in flesh and classify me as human. Give me free will and then censor my actions. Purify my soul with the flames of your justice. Arrest my muse and burn her at the stake. Regale my conscience by saying its all for liberty, As you slowly behead the angels again. Slowly soaking in all of their anguish. Drinking their blood to fuel your greed. Forever moving to the inevitable climax. The end of creation itself, At the very hands that helped create it. Edited May 26, 2005 by Arashi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 Suggestion: change 'classify' to 'term.' Classify is a scientific word, wheras human is not so much. And bonus, term can have a double meaning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 It shouldn't be allowed to put angels in boxes. People sometimes seem to feel more comfortable when they can lock it all between certain boundaries, because that way they try to understand what they're dealing with. Not sure if that's what you meant, but that's how it felt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 I like this poem, Arashi. The wording and imagery of the poem struck me as interesting and original, particularly with the depiction of the muse burning at the stake and the reference to binding wings to flesh. The line "Regale my conscience by saying its all for liberty" also definitely hit a cord with me, and seemed to make the poem resonate on a political scale. In terms of potential improvements, the last two lines of the poem weren't as evocative as the rest of the piece to me, and seemed a bit blunt when compared to the other lines. Perhaps you could expand upon them with a vision of the end of the world, rather than a statement. Also, I felt that some punctuation might work well in this poem, as reading it all in one go is a bit difficult. Very nicely done, once again. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mynx Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 That stirred something in me that I am having trouble naming. But I do know that I like it very much. A very nicely done piece with wonderful imagry. ...Would say more here but getting very sleepy... Still - loved it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 Works on many levels for me. From the man raging against God, to the cog in the political machine, to someone frustrated with fate. I'm really likin' your poems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arashi Posted May 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 (edited) ...wow, this got a lot of replies faster then I thought it would. And even more so is the fact that it got so many. I am excited that I was finally able to produce something pen worthy. Thank you all for replying. I love getting reviews for my work. right now I am very happy with the critisism and the helping with the second draft of this piece. Again, thank you all. All things have been considered and some of them I shall improve upon today. Wyvern, think you can help me with puntuation? >_> I am not too good at puntuating things...as you can see by most of my works. Edited May 25, 2005 by Arashi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetcherrie Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 hmm...if you manage to write things like this, I bet there's a lot on your hard-drive that we would like to hear, but you might think isn't Pen worthy... Whenever I get thoughts like this I alsways go back to Peredhil's Should I post. Maybe a good read? and uhm....please keep posting *huggles warmly before she walks off* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arashi Posted May 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 * * I just got a hug....I am blushing but also scared...and I think I may try and post a new nugget of poetry today. I had meant to do another draft of this poem but I think I will wait until wyvern can help me out with the punctuation addage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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