Zariah Posted January 3, 2005 Report Share Posted January 3, 2005 Once I had a small red shoe. Curiously, its match was blue. I wore them with stockings, silk. At breakfast on them I spilt milk. My feet were soggy, wet, and sticky. I took them off, for they were icky. I put on socks, for they were dry, And suddenly began to cry. My shoes went in the wash machine, When they came out, my face turned green. Purple shoes! Oh no! I said. Sadly I just shook my head. In the closet went the purple pair. To this day, they remain there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetnightmare Posted January 4, 2005 Report Share Posted January 4, 2005 Pictures the sence in her head* aww poor thing....Smiles i like it Sweetnightmare Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted January 4, 2005 Report Share Posted January 4, 2005 My heads really fuzzy from fasting and lack-of-sleep... but I seen in this or rather in you great potential... keep 'em coming Zariah... Hmm, ya know to this day, when duty calls of me to use shower shoes (ask Big P), I wear mismatched blue and tan flip-flops... I get a lot of remarks, like "ya know your shoes don't match..." or "what happened to the other two," and i'm like ..."oh they are prolly somewhere far, far away... maybe even submerged in korea rice field by now... Anyway, like your poem. would give better feedback,but head is swimming... have fun, rev... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted January 6, 2005 Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 (edited) I always love a silly poem, and your's flowed smoothly. I only have a few suggestion, if I may: 4th stanza - I thought the 2nd line could use a comma after 'suddenly.' At least that's how I read it. 6th stanza - 2nd line again, I thought a comma after 'Sadly' would be apt. 7th stanza, last line - To your credit, this is the only thing other than a comma I can point out that I thought could use some work. It seems just a little flat. If I knew poetry speak well, I could probably tell you what was the culprit; as it is, I only know what sounds right (to me). I think it's just because it breaks from the voice you maintain through the rest of the poem. Then again, I'm probably just being overly picky. I'm trying to be helpful, really I am! You'll probably just want to ignore me...that would be for the best Good work. Edited January 6, 2005 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zariah Posted January 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 (edited) Once I had a small red shoe. Curiously, its match was blue. I wore them with stockings, silk. At breakfast on them I spilt milk. My feet were soggy, wet, and sticky. I took them off, for they were icky. I put on socks, for they were dry, And suddenly, began to cry. My shoes went in the wash machine, When they came out, my face turned green. Purple shoes! Oh no! I said. Sadly, I just shook my head. In the closet went the purple pair, No longer fit for me to wear. Thank you Loki! Is the last line better??? Edited January 6, 2005 by Zariah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zadown Posted January 6, 2005 Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 Funny poem. Meesa like! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted January 6, 2005 Report Share Posted January 6, 2005 (edited) You're welcome. And yes, I think it works very well. Edited January 6, 2005 by Loki Wyrd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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