WrenWind Posted November 23, 2004 Report Share Posted November 23, 2004 Night Walker Sun on horizon grows thin Another long night beckons And into the darkness crawl Staccato beat of rain on tin Light shines on wet pavement Damp smell permeates all Telltale signs of desperate sin Red lipstick smeared Party dress tossed in a ball No pride left to pass to kin All is just automatic Pressed up against the wall Flash of light precedes the din Awakening reality Now starts the tempest squall The earth and sky begin to spin So much to take at once Hope still there to break the fall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted November 24, 2004 Report Share Posted November 24, 2004 Let's see. I like the rhyme scheme, the whole ABC, ADC, etc. It gives the poem an interesting rhythm. I gather someone is having a tryst with someone else late in the night? Is one of the lovers the night walker of the title? No pride left to pass to kin All is just automatic Pressed up against the wall I think I understand this verse, but not completely sure. I think the second line threw me. Is she (I'm assuming a girl cuz of the last line in the stanza) ashamed of what she's done; hence whatever she passes on is "automatic" - numb, devoid of emotion? Now starts the tempest squall The "tempest" - someone's guilt? Or reality? I loved the last line. Some light after all the melancholy dark imagery. I think my favorite lines definitely revolved around the rain and the sensory imagery surrounding it, a small part unrelated to plot, but so evocative. Bravo, Wren! *Rhaps* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salinye Posted November 24, 2004 Report Share Posted November 24, 2004 You know, I don't think I've ever read a poem from the eyes of a prostitute before. (Perhaps that's not what you meant, but the interpretation does work. :0)) Anyway, I was really moved by it. It made me feel....sad for her. Left me feeling wanting to help her. I felt...non judgemental. A refreshing viewpoint, Wrenny. Dark, sad, but you wrote it in a way that inspires empathy. My favorite line is by far the last line of the poem. Thank you for sharing, Wrenny. ~Salinye Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted November 25, 2004 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2004 Bang on Salinye you got the perspective i was going for *hugs* thanks for the comments Rhapsody. Wren Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhapsody Posted November 26, 2004 Report Share Posted November 26, 2004 Lol. Oh, I get it now. I just re-read it with new eyes and saw it in a whole new light. Talk about epiphany. Very clever, btw, to entitle it night walker. I've never thought of strumpets that way. *hugs Wren back* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parmenion Posted December 8, 2004 Report Share Posted December 8, 2004 Very clever and well written Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyBuddha Posted December 9, 2004 Report Share Posted December 9, 2004 (edited) Sun on horizon grows thin Another long night beckons And into the darkness crawl This stanza feels a little uncomfortable to me - the 1st line of the doesn't feel quite right to me - it don't destroy my appreciation of the poem, but its important to start your poem off well, and I'm not sure this line does that. I feel like the first line needs an article "the sun," but I realize that would mess with the meter and writing style. It just feels too fragmented to me. The second line I like, as it gives me this interesting image of the night being the guilty party, something that establishes the narrator's underlying hesitation and unhappiness about having to go through with this. This is complemented by your use of "crawl," an exceedingly negative image, in the 3rd line. I think that your use of an article in line 3 would make using one in line 1 more acceptable and less disruptive. This unwillingness in turn breeds the sympathy that Salinye first highlights; one doesn't look down on the prostitute but rather feels sorry for her, and takes a new view of her profession and circumstances. It makes her less of a "thing" and more of a "person". Staccato beat of rain on tin Light shines on wet pavement Damp smell permeates all I like how you canvass the senses and really establish the scene this way; its so tempting just to paint a visual picture, but you round it out instead, using clear, concise imagery that others can connect to. By using more of the senses than sight, you make the image more believable and relatable, an effective device. Telltale signs of desperate sin Red lipstick smeared Party dress tossed in a ball In the same way, you manage to make the image montage effective here, this time going solely visual, but once again utilizing familiar imagery that the reader can relate to. You have a talent for using these points of reference to make scenes of exceptional desperation/hopelessness believable and imaginable. I think you could make some really good stuff if you could make these images flow in a writing style that complements the language and is more appealing to the reader right off the bat - a hefty demand that's in truth is a little unreasonable for me to hoist upon you. No more time to comment, but I think this should be plenty. Hope this is helpful, in some small way. Edited December 9, 2004 by HappyBuddha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL_Snake Posted December 11, 2004 Report Share Posted December 11, 2004 it was very well done, i can picture myself as the walker very clearly...the only part i feel left me a little cold was this stanza No pride left to pass to kin All is just automatic Pressed up against the wall i dunno what made me feel this way but somehow the verses didn't fit in for me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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