madhatter Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 (edited) My first attempt at writing a poem. You guys are an inspiration . I look forward to some constructive criticism. Paranoid Their eyes' shift Hearts pound Paranoia's gift But nothing's found Running away Far too far where death lay Among a star Friends are gone Love is lost Pain has won Hiding is a must It is done far too fast With a gun It didn't last Edited January 16, 2004 by madhatter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madhatter Posted January 16, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Doh, sorry about that. Er, if someone could just delete the other one... . Sorry again. I got the mail error so I thought it didn't post... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vlad Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 I like the short, frantic style; it compliments the theme well. One thing I'd change is the third stanza - take out the verbs maybe. Friends gone Love lost Pain won Hiding a must Pretty good though. I like it a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madhatter Posted January 16, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 Thanks And the suggestion is greatly appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Wyrd Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 I'm with vlad, the style works well. Maybe consider changing the 3rd stanza 4th line to something like "Hide you must" - think that would be any good? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yuki Kokoro Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 I like the way the first stanza flows, the 5 syllable 3rd line works quite well. The third stanza was the only stumbling block for me as well. Normally I wouldn't mind but after all the strong rhymes I thought that the lost/must interrupted the flow, especially in such a concise paragraph. Not sure what would work better though. "Friends are lost/ Love is gone/ Though hiding costs/ Pain has won"? Other than that, "among a star" could maybe be beside, or within or something of the sort, because among implies multiple objects. Over-all nice poem, good rhythm and other than that one spot you kept the rhymes going well. I enjoyed it and it's nice to see someone being inspired. P.S. Welcome to the Pen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beautiful Nightmare Posted January 16, 2004 Report Share Posted January 16, 2004 I like the short sentances i think its goes with the flow of the poem its very good i like it alot first poem huh? Wow its really good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madhatter Posted January 17, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2004 Hehe thanks again to everyone for their postive comments. And I'll try to work on my writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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