Alaeha Posted September 18, 2003 Report Share Posted September 18, 2003 My first poem in quite a while that's not depressed and all that. So here we go... Lighthouse Burned into my heart and mind like black on white; like red on green. Your image lingers here, entwined by darker thoughts, yet somehow seen. We’ve come through trials... quite a few, and now we know each other well. Like tempered steel, you made it through. You picked me up each time I fell. You’ve been my lighthouse through this storm, and kept me going from afar. Like quilts and pillows, kept me warm when night had lost its final star. So... If you ever need a guide, or help when you can’t find your way, I’ll be there. When the signs have lied, I’ll help you leave that world of gray. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted September 18, 2003 Report Share Posted September 18, 2003 *Appy applauds* Very nice work.. well done! Maybe leave out the "the" in "When the signs have died" ? For flow you see... although on second thought.. nawww forget that comment. I like it Everyone should have that kindof lighthouse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 I *really* like this. It's positive, and the "lighthouse" type of person I try to be and fail so often - the idea that the other person will heal enough to give back in turn is such a hopeful image for both sides. When I read it aloud, it really flows for me, until I get to and kept me going from afar.It's a good line, with an 8-count, but I think it's the motion of the tongue that was awkward. Heh, when something flows so well, it's the tiny .01% that catches my eye, an implicit "Well, the other 99.99% is so obviously good, do I really need to comment?" Which is silly, because it if were *my* poem, I'd want to hear the good too!aHEM, anyway... Just thought I'd point that out. Again, in the verbal flow, do you think or help when you can’t find your way,might move more smoothly if it were:"or help if you cannot find your way," I realize it's an extra syllable, but when I read it, it seems to 'feel' better when I read it. But then, I sometimes read things oddly. What do you think? Back to the 99+% -- Very nicely done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 or even "or help when you have gone astray", though the original works for me. either way. the line that catches me is actually the next one, "when the signs have lied" and i find myself stopping, looking at that bit, wondering *where* on earth that came from... shrugging and reading on, because the rest of it *is* so good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted September 19, 2003 Author Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 That was the hardest line to get out, of the whole thing... I detest it. I almost threw the whole poem away because of it... I had a couple of alternatives... but none of them seemed to be any good. "When you've lost your pride," "When your hopes have died," I don't know... other suggestions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Appy Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 How about "when path's have strayed" ? I dunno, I didnt have any coffee yet .. but I try Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sorciere Posted September 19, 2003 Report Share Posted September 19, 2003 Or maybe I'll be there, when times are tried Hmmm on second thoughts, that's probably a bit obscure, even for me! I love the poem though and by removing that 'the' in that line, I had no trouble with flow, as far as the actual subject goes, absolutely loved it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alaeha Posted October 30, 2003 Author Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 Heh... Probably shouldn't be reviving this... but I hate to leave it unfinished. Wanted those who liked this poem to know that when I was sharing it with some friends who hadn't read it, I redid the controversial line. The final stanza reads: So... If you ever need a guide, or help when you can’t find your way; I’ll be there. When your hopes have died, I’ll help you leave that world of gray. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayshela Posted October 30, 2003 Report Share Posted October 30, 2003 YES!! yes yes yes!! **happydancing** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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