Appy Posted September 12, 2003 Report Share Posted September 12, 2003 ~any critics very welcome!~ My Turn Apathy rules my body Chaos plays with my mind Boredom paints my eyes Reluctance tugs at my sleeve Confusion tickles my spine Displeasure kisses my lips Annoyance screams in my ears Emotions rend my nerves ..My turn now Defiance dances with my corpse Excitement radiates my cheeks Anger beats inside my blood Tension permeates my muscles Memory stings at my skin Hunger yaps at my heels Heritage made my soul Conflict is my life ..But it is MINE ------------------------------ ~to make it more readable (is that a word?) try reading the first 4 stanzas of Longing as being two different persons, first one, then the other, and again..~ ------------------------------ Longing Circling the girl Drifting closer Touching gently Caressing soft skin Longing for what cannot be had Moaning uncontrollably Shivering from coldness Shuddering with fear Flinching at the touch Longing to go unnoticed Kissing with passion Fluttering fingers Piercing thoughts Cutting flesh and bone Longing for screams in the dark Gasping for air Dreading the future Screaming in exhaustion Fainting from pain Longing for peace that won't come Two entangled In morbid dance Each trapped In their own prison Forced upon them By cruelty Which had been; Longing for a Daughter Longing for a Love Longing for that, which can never be real Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted September 13, 2003 Report Share Posted September 13, 2003 I love the way you use figures of speech in the "My Turn", I think they really bring a meaning truer than the literal through to the reader. And the emotional "ownership" of the second stanza, accepting the feelings and cherishing them is a pretty healthy thing in my opinion. In "Longing" you really hit your stride. Some of the phrases evoked strong memory-echoes in me as I read. I think there's a love-hunger in all of us. If it isn't met when we're children, we feel empty and hungry the rest of our lives. "Longing for a Daughter" is nicely ambiguous - it could be the Daughter's longing, or the speaker's desire for a daughter. The next line repeats what is almost a poetic pun. I think your poems are getting stronger and more developed as you continue to post. Your command of syntax and grammar is even more applaudible since you aren't a native English speaker. hugs Keep posting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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