Tattered

Regenerated

When time is up they said

Re Energized

Simply Throw out old lies

Inspired

Seek the flight of a high bird

Clear my head

Clean my slate

Close my past

Open happiness

Open Righteousness

Open peacfulness

No longer afraid

No longer portrayed

Forever changed

Confusion is the standard

And All clairity is shaddered

Body weak and body baddered

Brought on by myself, tattered

Torn with the whiles of the wind

Thrashed by the words from within

Some where down the line of defeat

I sold out, gave in and lost belief

The faith instilled in me lives on

Although all my dignity is gone.

Delete

You try to tell me you're different

You try to tell me you don't compete

But you are always trying to prove something

And you are always feeling incomplete

My life never turned up roses

I never know what the next turn in the road is

So you are taking every opportunity

To take away from all the good in me

Don't lie, I saw your secret poetry

How are you gonna say those lies to me?

That you don't want to compete with me?

Every time I smile you kill my joy

Every time Im fine you spill my guilt

Like you have to have it better than me

When I am original you just gotta out do me

Isn't that the way it has always gone?

So deep in denile you don't see with the lights on

You suck my life's energy

Trying to take private moments away from me

Why can't all the jealous girls let me be?

You don't have to take away from me

Just so your life yields up fleeting peace.

Well okay this is more like poetry than a topic for disscussion.. However I honestly started out just writing in essay format, but my brain simply releases poetically. One things for sure this is my true life reality.

What do I do?

The closer we get to something that lasts, the further away my emotions detach. I curse the emptiness-void where love should preside, but everything real in me I habitually hide. My brain hurts from all sides, all the nerve endings are fried, from the words that replay I'm like a zombie-numb on the inside.Is that your voice chanting I'm hopeless and worthless, or is that mine? I don't even remember anymore who said it or how many times, you make me feel so freaking dumb all the time. Like all I have to offer is my body and grind, Why don't you take a minute open your mind, I gaurantee something more you will find. But just stop it's to late to rewind, we just gotta leave the past there behind, or our sight for the future goes blind. Once you get stuck nothing undoes that bind, like a life ending contract you've signed. So used to the sound everyone keeping me down, Even do it myself when no one to blame is around. Every relationship is the same as the last, I admit this but I'm still so stuck in the past. In a fairytale ideal I'd have dreams that I see, But to repeat fail is an age old human tragedy. I saw you checking my ass and you think I'm pretty. C'mon this is not a case of love at first personality. I'm begining to think that you simply craved the chemistry between you and me. Yeah I wonder when we make love in your dreams if it's even my face that you see. I think that's as deep as this goes for our relationship catastrophy. Every situation for a new relation comes to this painfull realization that it was over before it even left the station. You are blind and you won't ever see me. But don't feel so bad cuz if you came any closer I would make you leave. I was born to suffer, I was born to cry, I was born to be a bad example and then die.

I just had to post a little something. I was rummaging through some old school papers and poetry, notes from friends, pictures etc....and I couldn't help but wonder, have I always been so full of shit?

Really. I have always thought I was so intuitive and emotionally intelegent, but I am just another fool. Where did I get off?

Sure, I had a tough upbringing. 8 brothers and one scrawny girl ME! No love from my real mom. Lots of confusion, plenty of all types of abuse and neglect. In fact I shouldn't even be alive. But really, I bet I didn't have more than most people have in a life time. The majority of mine just happened to fall all at once in the begining 15 years...Wait it's still happening.

Like when all them were done with me, I decided to finish it off myself...

I am 22 and I feel like a complete infant. All those years! I don't feel like I can learn enough. When Will I get there??? When will I feel satisfied, loved, understood....? When will I find my niche, my place? Ever? I mean really, I start off really strong and impressive in all that I do, but slowly and surely I tapper off into an insecure and disscomforting oblivion. Just barely coherant just slightly focused and mostly numb.

Why? It's like I shut down, loose my point, get lost/confused, and give up. I ALWAYS end up running.

Running. That's me. Since day one. I started running and just never stopped, I don't know how to live. Ha! unfortunatly and pathetically I feel like a Forest Gump!

SIGH, Man, I have no answers. I know nothing. And I am stuck with no escape plan.

But the question I have is about the whole escape thing. Maybe it's the wrong approach entirely. Maybe I need to rethink this. But How? How do I change my ways when I am too practiced being blind to them, my way of life?

You said I could trust you

You led me to love you

And first time I let you

Then everything fell through

My heart would not trust you

Somehow you broke through

Wanted to believe you

But true colors came through

Not my heart that lies too

Blinded I ignored truth

You're shallow and fake too

desire is not fool proof

Real love is missing a screw

Same with all who fall into

Admit you loose part of you!

But you say that you chose to

Then when you play the fool

They were not meant for you

Wait, who proposed to who?

Just pretend that we knew

The crazy things life brings you

If loves guaranteed I'll sue

heart's covered with scar tissue

No one left to relate to

That was so unique. What an interesting way you have. Addicting, give me more. YES I want to scream! yOu Got it what we want and how we expect it to come to us, IS in fact most often, "different than what you think" How precious your thought process is.

"I've naught else for to give

my life for sins I've done

What joy, my soul is won

I now begin to live"

I know that you and I are different people, and your poem's true meaning would not be what it means to me, however, I was touched. I feel like I caught a glimps of your emotions here. Yet I feel a little lost. I like the paragraph just above this one that's how I feel too. Like what I have gone through as hard as it seems, just doesn't compare to the hardship of some.

Thank you. That was a unique style.

Wow! Well I would quote to you my favorite line, however there wasn't a line that I didn't appreciate! "Have a dose of incoherency" "Give authority the cold shoulder""Take my life and eat the meaning"Give me something to alleviate

My mistakes" I quite enjoy your um..."out-of-it-ness" Thank you.

I just read it again....That really can take you on so many levels. YOu muStBe HigHhhh. laughs. Thanks.

We can get so focused in on a certain goal

That we loose sight of everything else

I sometimes put off living for today

Just thinking about how to use strategy tomorrow

This kind of thing can happen when we are

Paying off a dept

Studing in school

Working to get promoted

Over organizing/ re-organizing

Excessive cleaning

Building some thing for a better future

Doesn't mean that we have to make life a chore

Doesn't mean that we have to make those around us misserable

Life is just a crazy balance

And I am not good on the tight rope

I have all the right questions

But who, has the right answers???

Dissclaimer: Not really but yeah. I appologize in advance. I just sometimes feel so completly hopeless and happiness is just so far from reach that I don't know what to do with myself. So conflicted, so remorseful for my bad decisions...Sigh. So don't read this. Unless you must. But this is just the self defeating side of me, not the whole me. Honestly, I have been through so much hardship, yet if you told me yours, well I think I would be humbled.

Dark clouds accend creeping into my heart

Brief spurts of life and light neutralize my blood

Change is just out of reach slipping from my grasp

Trodden down into the thick, deep mud of dispare

The harder I try to stand the swifter I break down

Calling to the outside world reaching for relief

No one can hear my call, silent to the living

Every night my discomfort multiplies as I lay there

The only sleep I sustain is filled with nightmares

Only to wake once more dissatisfied and unfufilled

No one can save me, but Jesus himself

No one can change me I am branded with my past

When will this anguish subside?

When will I crawl out of this pit and into the light?

When will I leave my bad carma behind?

When will I live out all the ill choices I have made?

Is there hope for my future?

I am living proof of the remorse and gnashing of teeth

I need the savior's love I need the peace from on high

Only God can answer my feeble, desparate cry.

How'd you know P, That's exactly what I was doing with this piece. Do you feel the rythm?

YOU make me laugh! Histerical! Beatnik!

NOTE TO READERS- I am not completly satisfied with this piece. I don't think I have captured the right emotions here. I think I will revisit this when my head is more clear.

I can honestly say I just broke through the denile today. I think about this jerk daily. Maybe that's because he owes me money or that he's best friends with my brother or one of the many reasons why he stabbed me in the back....I don't know you choose.

Suddenly it HIT me just earlier today

I caught myslef slipping into a world so far away

Just sitting all alone, in a crowd or any place

Doesn't really matter where, I still can't erase

I thought I'd convinced my heart until this day

I have to admit my heart speaks what my mind wont say

I have visited so many emotions dealing with you

From lust to love to joy to anger to blue

We just couldn't decide what we wanted to do

Finally you set me free, to be with someone new

I was so angry I didn't want to care about you

Silly me, only love seeds can sprout the anger I knew

I keep running through the memories of me and you

All the different things that I'd do

Can't seem to forget

Intrigued with this mystery

Just how bad would it get

I could've left you gracefully

But God knew that's not the way it would be

That first day I should've listened as he warned me

I wish I never met you all the shit you put me through

Thought I was over you I thought you were just a mistake

Everything happens for a reason even when hearts break

We went from okay to bad to okay

But even when we were good something seemed fake

God I pray thee from me this history take

It was all a show for everyone around to see

It was simply to fill the time until a better deal came to be

I thought I was done with the pain

But each time I try to move on it's the same

It's your arms and it's your face

No matter who it is I almost say your name

Beautiful! That stark contrast from darkness to freedoms light! I have had times when I felt just the same- shut away, unwilling to shine. Then someone comes along to release me. Too bad it doesn't happen everytime.

I am curious to know the story behind this one...

Have you ever considered how in life some of the things

That enpower us, can turn into the very things that strip us down

And repress us?

Love

Pride

Trust

Each of these can grant us perceived emotional strength beyond

Measure. But quickly, how fragile we fall. Easily we puncture

When the insecurities of

Fear

Doubt

Envy

Falter our peace and impead our progress. We are not immune.

When we are lifted up for the false saftey and support

Of these things we can suddenly and painfully meet the instability of

The human condition.

Dare not to rely on another, and

Miss a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Allow to be made vounerable to another, and

Give away power that can be missused.

So many times I have lost my footing

left weightless in mid air,

my soul at risk, my life a shambles.

But what has changed? Only my preception only my feeling and only

My emotion. I have been broken. I have been made the fool. I have

felt beaten and fallen on my face. The next, first step seems

Impossible...could this be centered around Pride?

As imperfect creatures we search

Searching endlessly for the part where life's ambitions make

Sense. We all come to the point when we realize nothing matters

As much, when no one is there to share it.

The stakes are high. The statistics, comfortless. The task essential

and inevedible.

From the first word to the last you had my undivided attention. Not perfect form, but more so like the human form, you wrote from your soul.

Very touching.

Natalie

This piece reaches me. I seriously feel the same, all the time. I hoped I wasn't the only one feeling crazy-inperfect.

Thank you for introducing this place to me! I am Fallen Star from OD. I really like the feel of this place. I will catch you later.

Natalie

Like a single drop of rain

From a quiet moonlit sky

Separating as it meets the ground

Evaporating shortly there after

I feel translucent to the world

I am isolated and alone

Completely torn apart, misunderstood

Every effort to improve, dissapates

As the morning dew burns off into the day

I feel spurts of anger that soon float away

Constantly revisiting my secret fustrations

Exhausted from the simplicities of living

Crippled, I run twice as fast to keep up

Betrayed in every opportunity for trust

So afraid and so confused

Which direction is up?

No recognitions for my feeble efforts

No relief from my shattered existance

So tired from this gainless battle

Want so much to protect you from the negative

So you will feel good about the life you live

Keep you strong, safe and warm from the outside

Show you how to stand and believe and strive

Teach you how to walk upright

Know when to let go and know when to fight

The past I had haunts me by night and by day

Afraid I've lost the connection to my heart with things I say

How can you forgive me when I am just not ready to live

Everyday is a battle and I just have nothing left to give

"I'll never do THAT with my kids" they always said

Then tapes just replay you can't escape your head

Too bad I can't protect you from myself

I just can't place my lurking anger on the shelf

I only wish and pray to God for my anguish to heal

The better side of me is dormant, waiting to reveal

Can't be mommy, daddy, friend and teacher

Can't be provider, domestic, mentor and confidant

If I only had more time and money

If I only had more patience and sense

If I only had more energy and love

If I only....

I would give it all for the love of you

Please believe that I truly truly do

Before you fell from heaven I never lived

Before I held you in my arms I didn't care what I did

Before you the sun didn't shine

Now I remain forever inadequate in my mind