Tattered

I hate me, I hate everything about me.

From my head to my toes, in my entirety.

I came to the realization earlier today,

Everything I have, everything I stand to gain,

All that makes me is worthless, empty and vain.

I can't control my whims, my mind or direction.

I can't get it right long enough to speak perfection.

I forgive the unforgivable effortlessly just to torture me.

To forgive I internalize to the detriment of my self esteem.

I don't feel a thing

I don't FEEL anything

The tears won't come, I sit here stunned.

Hours fly by, I just and stare and wonder why.

I can no longer cry.

Obsessively I cycle thoughts of self loathing phrases.

I catch myself, yet remain bankrupt of all praises.

I don't know why

I cannot feel

I hear you say love

But nothing I feel.

I have taken myself as my own captive.

I have let adversity break down my line of defenses.

I have cheated myself out of life to live.

I lost sight of God while stacking fences and digging trenches.

I feel the deepest loss standing lone at the bottom of a canyon.

Why do I choose the torn and anguished to be my companion?

I must be just like them or why would I tolerate?

For all the wrongs that I must take, it's me I hate

This is just raw...I have to make it into something...but I am not sure how yet...it's just too fresh. Any suggestions are appreciated.

It’s a twisted game you play

Everything you feel today, you felt it before

You know it well

You live in your own personal hell

It’s about control

Or lack thereof

It’s about self respect

You haven’t got that yet

You push and pull away

Like a daring trapeze act

You walk a fine line

Just to see how you get back this time

It’s like a rollercoaster ride

Cheap thrills give you your high

And you lows

It’s addict behavior …I know it well

I’ve just never been quite here before

I guess I said some things you didn’t want to hear

Maybe I was right or maybe I was wrong

But I think the truth lies inside yourself

You already knew, you already know

Once you decided to let us go

Once that drink hit your lips

You left me, you left me

We were as good as done

You say you love me but I know you don’t

I hope you find that one you need

The one you have always loved deep inside

The one you haven’t found

The one you have spent your whole life searching for

That one is you

Yes I think that’s what you need to do

You can’t even see yourself

It’s hard to do

I can’t tell right now if the person that you are

Is more the one searching some street of a nameless town

Looking for a party and fresh prey

Or that man in a suit and tie

At church on time every Sunday

You don’t even know the games you play

But I do

I do

I can see right through you

Don’t think I don’t understand

Don’t think I am not being fair

I know enough to see the good in you

Complicated, anguished life of a torn man

I know you can make it you can do this thing

Called happiness

It starts inside

Heal the damage from past fires

Let the scars go away

Stop playing with the flames that got you there

You can’t even see yourself

I bought some pillows and blankets today

I feel so cold

You left me here in the cheapest way

I have to say

I feel so cold today

You cheated yourself, you lost at your own game

And you've been playing it so long

You may wonder why you can't win

But it's a losing game...everyone loses

NO one ever wins

I got caught in the middle

And I am glad I got to see

I am glad you revealed this part of you

to me

At least I know now

And I don't have to wait anymore

I don't need to say I told you so

You already know I said we'd be standing here

Just like this, one day

So here we are

Good luck on your way.

Thanks to everyone! XOXOXO I feel so loved. There are few things nicer than to know that through my troubles and expressions, I am not alone. I still am in the middle of my angst, and I will most likely write more sad poetry. But it helps me. So bare with me and please, continue to comment whatever you wish. It means a lot to me.

Thanks

I am on a RAMPAGE let the FIRE FLARE

Like a Bat out of hell I feel like flying out of here

I just can't seem to please you or you or you

So WHAT is the point why do I even care?

I make no sense and I could care less

I am going no where but this is my life

I make dumb choices but that's in your eyes

This is my life so live and let live

I am a big girl and I can take care of me

I am an adult now so stop telling me what to be

I am not afraid anymore so stop directing me

I am the only one who can answer for me

Do you all even realize the effect you have on me?

When you look at me what do you see?

Do you see who I am and may come to be?

Or an extension of yourself, who you'd like me to be?

I am so sick of your negativity

Life is just too short to live unhappy

coedependency is not working for me

Stop trying to manipulate and control me

I am NOT your puppet set me free

I am NOT at your dissposal can't you see?

And I am certianly not your property

I am NOT perfect and don't pretend to be

The plan keeps changing and I can't keep up

This little plan you are devising to lift you up

To tread on higher ground than anyone

What role can I play for you, till you use me all up?

Hmmm your poems are so short and beautiful, but hard to decide the meaning cuz there is only one verse. This one says to me, you get off track and make those who love you sad...Keep one writing, I like it.

This poem could mean so many things...To me, it's about love. I would love to hear more on that. Short and sweet.

Reverie, thanks for the side note. I have no preference really. I just take it as it comes. I appreciate all comments of any kind. I am a poet, however I am not a scribe, so I feel profound emotions yet I am clumsy as I stumble over the words. I hope to improve so thoughtful critisism is great.

Aw, really? Your comment almost brought me to tears Sweetcherrie. Maybe it's just the fact that you cared enough to notice, or the fact that I am so emotional. Perhaps it is due to both. Thank you.

When enough just isn't enough

And all I can think about is breaking free

All I can do is sit here in silence

Wishing for a miracle to rescue me

When my heart is pounding

And all the presures of life wheigh on me

All I can do is focus on the extreme

Wishing for solutions to come set me free

When my body begins to shut down

And all I can think is how'd this happen to me?

All I can do is just breathe

Wishing for peace and serenity

When it rains it pours

And showers are tumbling down on me

All I keep saying is why me why me?

Wishing for a time machine

When I keep chosing the same

And my history repeats neverending

All I want is the strength to be free

Wishing I had what it takes inside of me

Thank you for your comments. They are appreciated. I am a little embarrassed about how dramatic I was feeling. I still feel the pressure and my heart pounds faster when I read over what I wrote. Peredhil, you are the twinkling star in the dark sky...although many can draw upon your comfort, as your twinkle seems just for them...but there are so many that can see your light and have come need your star in their life...Just a simple word, just a bit of encouragement, and a listening, caring heart...you are one in a million....

Arwen...don't be silly. The fact that you said anything is indication enough that you care. And your intentions are good. I'd rather hear someone say an imperfect word rather than none at all. Thank you.

I love suggestions and continue to take them into consideration...everytime, everyday, as I go...

Useless matter floating in and out of consciousness

Denial so deep your feet sink beneath the false floor

I have nothing to give I have nothing to offer you

I am stuck in the moment and I can't free myself

You'll not find an ounce of dignity left in my being

Your eyes may stay with me, until you see the real me

Something to look at is all I am, even that is fleeting

Soon the wrinkles and age will doom my body

And then I'll have nothing left to show for my life

Maybe my kids would've been better off without me

I've spent all this life digging holes and jumping in them

What would God want of me? Save maybe an example

I make my own destiny...why do I loathe myself?

Why can't I make it through the storm unscathed?

Why can't I follow through with my heart's desires?

What is intention worth if your life is full of failed attempts?

What good am I if I can't even please myself?

Where will this road bring me if I watch not my path?

Who am I to be allowed existance, so unworthy?

All I ever wanted was to know God and love and be loved.

Is that so difficult? Is that so wrong? Is that so impossible?

Thank you for the encouragement, I truly have deep emotions that my limited vocabulary fails to explore...My words leave my bleeding heart wanting.

***This poem is truly unfinished, yet I feel the need as pathetic as it is, to get it out...Lately I have been haunted by this guy and thoughts of him and our past. I think I am not used to being rejected, only adored...That must be the real reason that I haven't gotten over him still. But this is the begining of the end of thoughts of him...I hope...any suggestions?***

I had another dream about you last night

I'm not quite sure where dream crosses to reality

But lately I have run into you in broad day light

Did my thoughts draw you here for my eyes to see?

I've decided the reason for the pain when I see you two,

Is a product of how foolish I behaved when you had me

I hate the girl I appeared to be when I was with you

I don't know how to set myself from your anguish free

My creative talent has come to a sudden halt

When I can't control these thoughts of you

Even in my dreams I see you finding me at fault

I wish I could take back the first day I met you

One little package sent from high above

Two little girls filling my life with love

Holding them close, makes my open heart swell

Words can never describe the way I fell

From my first gaze into your swollen eyes

To each new day I come to realize

The way I live will never be the same

Since I met you and gave you your sweet name

I keep forgetting that you've lost your wings

I swear I can tell, soon your wings will spring

Off you'll fly to play with angels on high

To become a bright star in the night sky

How could I be so blessed to have you two?

How much our God loves us, I never knew.

Aw, Ayshela, it's nice to be missed. I definately missed being here...Life is so time consuming. I need to make more time for me and reflection....Thanks for the support, you are the sweetest.

I adore writing, as much as chocolate cream cake

I will write about anything just for writings' sake

I never pretend to be pulitzer prize material

Poetry is my outlet and I'll always keep it real

When Im not writing Im planning my next piece

The expression inside me just will not cease

At times I have tried, but I cannot control it

I write about kisses, love, joy, and spirit

I'll write about fear, I'll write about envy

Whatever Im feeling, there's just no ending

Ex's are one of my favorite themes

Especially when they're haunting my dreams

I dream about sex and I dream about food

I know it sounds weird, but those go together too

I could sit here and write forever, my mind never rests

Although its hard to stay focused, I'll try my very best

You see words are my passion

Thanks P..You're the best. Yeah, the only reason I wrote that is because it has been haunting me for a long time, and I have never written about it. But mainly cuz someone asked me what my first memory was. Unfortuantly that is what I could remember. The sad thing is, that I am sure good things happened, and they are in there somewhere, but I can't seem to remember those things. I am working on it. Thanks for your inspiration. You make me want to be a better human. I am better, one good choice at a time...

Entering my memory's smokie room

I Pull out my mind's eye camera and press zoom

Viewing my life in retrospect

As though I were on the outside looking back

My hands are tied and my voice is silent

I see a 3yr old girl in a life cold and violent

Seeing her Mother scream and her father patrol

His mouth forming clever words your conclusions to control

His arms around their shoulders 2 boys and 1 girl

Did they really choose to enter such a world?

His voice is low and and demenor dominating

The effects of the insanity still culminating

The fog enters, the screen closes

The room fades and a hallway appears

A little girl walks down a lonely road full of fears...

Peredhil...it's just people like you that make the sun shine....everyday angels. Why do you care, why take the time? What makes you tick, you are so kind...If it weren't for you I would probabley get really depressed. Just thinking about how many people ignore me or don't relate. They think because I am pretty that I have no fears. They think cuz I have beauty that I need no more friends. Or they cannot handle or choose not to care, about the struggles I go through within....I hope you are right about the fertilizer....I have a lot of it...time for my life to come up roses.....I think I am overdue.

I just have to say, simple is not always as simple as it seems. I really appreciate your words...and the emotions they brought up for me.

Strangely calm and seriously unstable

Someone’s crying out, Save me for I am unable

She sits quietly through the chaos

Amidst the relics one soul is lost

Staring aimlessly into far off places

Memories, remorse, sadness and faces

Her head falls slowly as tears fill her eyes

How much of life was real and how much was lies?

Betrayal, mistrust, bad judgment, and abuse

Laboring to think a happy thought it’s just no use

Once there was hope when her life was newly born

Now Mother ignores and all Father offers is scorn

Oh what she would give to begin again

Yet, dealt her hand in life how could she win?

Thanks Pered, if it weren't for you, I don't know that I would jump back into the abis of better writers than myself..just to go unnoticed....except for your thoughtful eye...

Oh, I wish I could fall in love like that....

Hey, this is MY prayer...lol...and heaven knows my writing needs all the help it can get...I suck compared to everyone on here...BUT I love writing none the less, and nothing can stop me...unfortunatly. Thanks for the poem, humorous and insightful.

Well, if help is what you're looking for, sorry I am no expert...I don't even notice the subtle inperfections that others on here do. I am just a novice...I liked your poem, it reminds me of this homeless woman I see walking around town.