Tattered

I couldn't sleep last night

 

I tossed and turned and couldn't relax

 

My eyes would shut and terror would enter

 

My dreams were haunting I woke in fear

 

All the anxieties and fears in my life

 

Kept my eyes scanning through the night

 

I think I am going stark raving mad

 

I think I have lost all sense

 

I don't think I can handle one more task

 

My days are filled with thoughts and worries

 

What am I doing wrong,

 

And how can I do it better in a hurry?

 

This is a serious matter

 

I am not sure how much longer

 

I can take the heat of this suffering

 

My debts could consume me alone

 

My insecurities keep me from success

 

How can I be a better mother?

 

Too often I am filled with anger

 

There is too much doubt within

 

Too many fears of not metting expectations

 

Too many failures under my belt

 

What is the point anymore?

 

Who Am I kidding, my life was wasted

 

I acomplished nothing

 

I think I ruined my daughter

 

I amount to nothing

 

I didn't even finish school

 

I didn't even live up to my own ideals

 

I didn't even come close

 

I am working to pay my bills

 

I am running to keep up

 

I am stressing to remeber to look relaxed

 

I don't even know why I am doing it anymore

 

This life will run out

 

My youth is in short supply

 

This isn't how I want to die

 

I can't stand it anymore

 

Everyday I get down on myself

 

For all the unfinished business I have

 

I am afraid of my finacial situation

 

When will I fall, NOT if

 

How Do I get out

 

There is no quick fix

 

How much more can my daughter take?

 

with me its just one catastrophy after another

 

I just dont' f-ing know how the hell other people do It

 

I am inadequate

 

What the hell is wrong with me?

 

I should have never have taken on so many things

 

All day long I think about what I do wrong

 

And I just keep telling myself it'll be ok

 

"I WILL DO IT" I WILL DO IT I WILL DO IT

 

I WIll be as perfect as possible

 

I WILL COOK EVERY NIGHT

 

I WILL DO AND BE EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE

 

I WORK 7 Hrs a day

 

AND when I get home I WILL

 

CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE

 

I WILL LANDSCAPE THE WHOLE FRONT/BACK YARDS

 

I WILL GARDEN WITH MY DAUGHTER

 

AND WATER THE DIEING GRASS

 

I WILL WASH AND FOLD AND FINISH MY LAUNDRY

 

I WILL VACUUM MOP SCRUB DUST PLOISH AND DISSINFECT EVERY CONER OF LIVING SPACE ABOVE AND BELOW

 

I WILL ON TOP OF ALL THAT COOK A DELICIOUS MEAL

 

SIT DOWN TOGETHER WITH MY DAUGHTER W/OUT TV

 

TALK TO HER AND READ HER BOOKS FOR HOURS

 

TEACH HER TO READ AND WRITE AND DO MATH

 

I WILL TEACH HER TO BE KIND AND PATIENT AND A GOOD FRIEND

 

I WILL LIVE ALL MY DREAMS

 

WHILE I TAKE HER TO BALLET, SOCCER, TAP, GYM, BASKETBALL AND TEACH HER HOP SCOTCH

 

I WILL GO TO CHURCH AND EVERYWHERE ELSE ON TIME AND ON SCHEDULE

 

I WILL BE SUPER MOM

 

ON TOP OF ALL THAT I WILL BE PRESENTABLE

 

COACH BASKETBALL

 

WORK OUT

 

EAT RIGHT

 

STUDY HARD IN SCHOOL

 

STUDY SCRIPTURES

 

GROW, LEARN TAKE IT ALL ALL AALLLAALLLAL ALL ALL IN

 

AAAAND GET US TO BED EARLY EVERY NIGHT

 

I JUST CANT BE ENOUGH

 

 

Ok so that sounds extreme

 

BUT which part?

 

I cant just disscount EVERYTHING

 

I can't just disscount one thing

 

ALL those things need to happen

 

And I am just one person

 

But without those things

 

How the hell

 

How Am I

 

How in the world can I be happy?

Sounds like a lot of unhealthy relationships. I think you wrote this about a parent right? I thought it was about a love relationship, but the tax deductable part came in and I realized parent-child.Ya know, and that's just it, children always seem attracted to people that treat them like their family did.

That was great! I feel like there's more there, waiting,pushing to come out. Maybe adding to it or changing some words. I dunno, it just didn't satisfy my hunger to understand. Maybe thats the whole plan...

 

Reading it one more time, I actually think it's fine the way it is. I think the problem is, that I have encountered this and was dumbfounded by his missguided efforts to make me fill the shoes of a woman not real. So when I read this...I just, it takes me back and I remeber that I couldn't understand how ridiculous he was for not accepting the real me!

 

Thanks for putting a common stupidity and reality,

Into Words We Can Read.

Aw, that was sweet. You seem sincere and that is more than most guys are in this situation. You understand that she was already vunerable and breakable and that what YOU did hurt her-The one you love. I would hope that she would forgive you,if what you have is real.

Peredhil, Yes, I am afraid, you are right. Twice unfortunately. The subject matter is oozing out of me. It's out of control. Ya know, the sad thing is, well, I wrote these poems 2 years ago, yet they fit perfectly to the T with my latest break-up. And, with at least 2 others, for that matter. It's like, I am trapped in a broken record. Everything I think I thought I already learned, I realize, I am only just learning. When, when DOES it End?

This one goes along with that same guy, thing

 

 

So, now it's turning

Backfiring on me

I knew it would

Last Guy's obsession

Pulled me down

Next Guy's attention,

Well I thought I'd drown

Now it's my turn

I am acting dumb

This guy can see it

He avoids my calls

But for some odd reason

I keep ringing

Like a sick addiction

To a wicked drug

I don't even love him

We didn't even date that long

I am becoming the physco

Who lingered too long

I know he wants that attention

I see it makes him feel cool

To his friends I am the fool

But I just can help this strange feeling

It's like unrest

Lacking closure at best

With a blink of his eye

He turned on me

Unsettleing feelings

Really deep in my chest

Hard to breathe

Why did I let him get to me

How do I make it go away?

He's too good at his game

I cant compete

I just want to forget it

And fall to sleep

This is a poem I wrote 6/30/02 hope you like...

 

 

 

I do not want to sail your ocean

I do not want to drown at sea

I do not like to listen to the sound

Of your waves crash down on me

I think the rip tide

A little too intense for me

With the current always changing

To fit what mood you seek

All the hidden little crabs

Will soon Be revealed

Just try to sail your ocean

With another girl at sea

I bet she will wait and listen

To the soft winds you blow

Tantalized she'll lay there

In the warm sun, blue glow

I bet she will want a float or two

But HOW long will it last?

The storm soon cycles

You can't hide from the tide

It'll reach up and grab her

With it's cold chilling undertow

Deserted, left alone you'll be

There is a resaon, don't you know

Must be a reason people always go

Touring they rest on your shore

But therin, comes the time

From the truth you cannot hide

The candy-lit sunset fades to black

Starless night and I am numb inside

Then all there left to say is

Good-bye

You have creativity for MILES. Your style is daunting. I do so like the poems you write in thoughtful imagination. Although sometimes the things you write frighten me. You have a talent, even power.

Humility.

And your father wants you to return to him.

So have faith and trust in his guidance, and NOT in your own way.

Bravo, Every single one of you! Beautiful what you started Vincent and all those that followed after. I don't feel worthy to add more.

Oh my gosh! Peredhil. I don't know how to say this, but your words, they, I, I am so so so touched. I don't even know, I think you didn't realize, how could you? I just feel like, wow. YES! I want to scream. Where did you come from?That is all I can say.

 

Vincent, Yes love is harsh. Even the best of love can have a heart dangerous, sketchy path before it. When in the midst of the sorrow, I could not see hope on the morrow. The only kind of love worth wanting is the kind of love that lasts forever. And the only love that lasts forever is full of compramise and hard work together. People change, and grow, and decided against previous ideas. So for two separate people to become united, it's not small effort, nor dream, but a miracle. Yet even when a person plans and prepares and changes to fit just right with another, there are no guarantees. It's a complicated thing.

 

I don't know that you needed to read all of that. But I just had to. Basically, I have felt like love is life or death, NO I have KNOWN it was. But when I wiped my tears and turned on the lights and stopped holding my breath, I saw I was still alive. Although it took some time, and still haunts some nights, I know I yet have the strength to shine. SO I changed my mind and decided to live and not give up inside.

Aware of what is laking and being mindful of self improvment

 

Feeling guilt for not being perfect

 

Accepting and taking it one step further, to love, what cannot be changed

 

Learning about love while falling for it

 

These are all things I have experienced. I know that no one can interpret a meaning of a poem accurately, unless done by original author. But, this is what your poems says to me.

This poem made me depressed. I guess that's a sign of a good writer, when you can draw out an emotion from someone through your words.

 

This poem really reminded me of the sense, well, like not having anything to live for, or look forward to. I have felt that before.

I did so enjoy this. It didn't seem "sad" per say, but just a story with a lesson and a choice. Give or Take? We all need to make sure we are giving enough and still remebering to allow others to give what we must take.

This life is full, of hidden choices. You were wise and patient enough to listen and find them. You are obviously a person with much life experience. Anyone who reads your work can tell that you have something special inside.

 

Sometimes the very hardest task IS to look beyond yourself and, give. That just cant be sincere AND faked...

Everyday on the car ride home

My daughter carries on in conversation

All her own

 

I drive silently listening to her words

Wishing for a tape recorder

Huh, the way her mind works

 

These days it's mostly smiles and hugs

These days you'll find me cheerful

Thanking God above

 

Although I am over worked and tired

I look forward to the next day

Just to see my child

 

Funny how the simplest thing in life

Brightens up a clouded, gloomy sky

Making heavy, light

 

I heard some big news today

A rock headed for this earth

Only 10 or 11 years away

 

So I hold on to my precious girl

I begin repenting of all my sins

All the wrong in this world

 

 

Safely I'll keep her as best I can

I don't know whats in store for us

I can't foresee Gods plan

I am too caught up to be a good friend

I am just used to people's jealousy

Don't like when the attention comes to an end

I am acustomed to everyone coming to me

 

It's a selfish thing,

It's no way to live.

I know it's all about me

 

It's sort of like a dependancy

But deep in the corners of my heart

There's a great lack of what I need

May seem like pride when I start

 

The truth is that I am insecure

I've always been the youngest around

The truth is that I feel quite inferior

Feel I have to prove myself and stand my ground

 

I have always felt like a wise eldery

Forced to live my life

Trapped in a young person's body

Although that seems alright

 

Truly it is beauty's curse

To never quite find your space

Pains of rejection really hurt

When you realize you fit no place

Good work. Congrats on your "very first happy poem" It's sounds like you are very content and in love. It's a euphoric feeling, nothing else can compare. Hey, lets work on some more of those happy ones, whuda-you-say?

"But sweeter’s the feeling

Where void stood before…

It only seems tragic if too often ignored… "

 

So many of your little stanzas have great depth. Some of your phrases are abstract, leaving them open to various interpretation. While others seem defined. Very good combo. I like the pictures you paint. Irony, double meanings... Captured.

 

Very nice.

Toooo late. I know that crossed my mind once I started switching thigs around. However, I rarely will ruin a piece with re working, if I didn't feel it needed, then I would never touch a piece.

Thanks for your constructive critique...I am taking all you said into consideration. I already started, once I have a few moments I will fix it up some more. In the meantime, maybe you have some more advice, maybe you could take a few lines and show me what you are suggesting.

 

Thanks

My life has been one Compromise after another

Role playing, in a complicated life just like my mother

I only pause to taste the bitter ramification

Brought to my knees with all this worlds infatuation

 

Always hungry, operating on a short fuse

Butting heads, damage control is what I use

Shamed at the sight of those who've figured it all out

When it comes to me in my life I simply live in doubt

 

I don't trust in God or faith or myself anymore

Although I believe, I've forgotten what for

Inspiration comes to me far and few between

My mind is crowded with how wrong I've been

 

I am trapped by my own device

I only seem to keep the bad advice

Although I sincerely reach for the light

Somehow my approach is never right

 

I am growing weary of this circular life I'm leading

I am getting sick of the same old song I'm hearing

Everything is the same the only things that change

Are the faces, time and the way they arrange

 

I feel like I am trapped in the "Groundhog Day"

But I never wake happy to have found my way

Cuz lets face it, I am a doller short and a day late

More and more I become aware of my somber fate

 

So I must wonder why I came to this intense place

Just to fail the test, while all memory of me erased?

I guess that is wishful thinking, I don't think I am off the hook

No, my mind will live forever re-thinking the wrong path I took

hap pi ness n. feelings of joy and pleasure

 

joy n. intense happiness or great delight

 

pleas ure n. a general feeling of enjoyment

||something which causes this feeling||

self gratification

 

Ok, so I looked up happiness in the dictionary just for fun. Then it led me to a few other words. It's funny how joy and happiness relate...happiness being feelings of joy or joy being intense happiness. The whole "self gratification" threw me...

 

But what I am really here to write is my opinion on the whole what is happiness matter. Happiness is what you make it. It's as simple as that. Feelings are not tangeble. No one can hand you a good feeling full of happiness in a box. So I really think it's a choice.

 

Happiness is a choice. Have you ever seen a poverty child laugh? Have you ever seen a rich man cry? Have you ever seen anger erupt over the way someone drives or walks or small things? Have you ever seen a kind peaceful person, let another hurried person pass, without defensiveness, without thought?

 

So I think we can find happiness in and where we want and need it and especially when we are ready to find it...

 

Thanks for the entry and op. sorry about the long message.

Something about your style, reaches me. You are not a pestimist but not quite an optamist either. You have an objective view all the time it seems. You must be the one that brings the sainity and reality back into situations...

I was looking back through entries from some time ago and came across this special one. Really, so many people here have work that gets commented on and later forgotten... Sad, but true.

 

I think this one is especially good beacuse, it's real.