Tattered

Why do I feel this way without fail?

Why cannot redemption prevail?

What is my defect, my mortal weakness too strong.

I wish I were perfect, yet at every turn I'm wrong.

What are these powers that would keep me chained?

All of the hours of each day I live in vain.

Nothing and no one can free from the cold.

All of the avenues for healing growing old.

It's something inside of me that begs defeat.

This awful part of me that won't retreat.

I try to ruin you and destroy us, push you away.

So the pain won't hurt so much when you can't stay.

I will just tell myself it's better this way.

I will just convince myself I never loved you anyway.

These demons inside of me won't let me be.

The child within my soul longs to be set free.

I submit to my defeat.

When it comes to you and me.

I've tried and tried,

yet I just cannot compete.

Tourment lies in the thought of you

and her and her and her.

I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

If only we could be like that too.

Passionless, how can this be,

when our love is strong?

Yet half of me is empty, longing.

Heaven why must you punish me?

In dark quite corners of my mind.

Something is sturring,

fantasy begins to die.

Is this a return Aura of some kind?

What have I done to desreve this lot?

I suddenly remember the signs

I ignored.

The importance of listening, I forgot.

I have no inspiration.

I'm under so mcuh pressure,

I have no relief.

Extacy expiration.

Did I do something wrong?

Nothing is quite right.

I feel so sad, ashamed, and worthless.

I've been a fool all along.

THANK YOU for your complete analysis Parmenion! I do feel good about this piece but you just flattered me more than I may deserve. Thanks for your comments and critiques.

So this is a sort of re-work of a previous piece. I was going on some critques that I received. Let me know what you think.

Motionless so as not to upset the bruises.

Body aches from a dangerous cycle,

everybody loses.

Sadness enters, followed by great anger.

Child to Mother never protected by those

who're said to love her.

Every joy, every success chokes for air.

Like a flame under foot - you like

to see me there.

Your way is the only way, I have no worth.

Question me, you never believed in me.

Father, King of Hurt.

Loveless life of fear and negativity:

The life you lived and know so well.

This your gift? Your legacy?

Mothers 3, that never loved me.

Neglected and forsaken bordering insanity.

Lesson - Beauty’s skin deep.

One who left and abandoned me

Two who harmed and hated me

Three’s a charm, and charmed she did,

Till truth arrived in perfect form

With boundless fury, no one can rid.

YOU’RE the artist of what you live.

Blame the man blame the moon but

Life delivers what you give.

She’s friendless, selfish, blind and unfair.

Yet skilled, and deep - a perfect friend

Until you near the heart, beware!

It’s no wonder, to him I cleaved

8 years of sorrow, disappointment and grief

I had no view of what life could be.

Disassociation was my saving grace.

Guardian Angels and God

filled the empty space.

Somewhere along the road of a wounded life,

Beyond tragedy, trial and err,

I found my way into the light.

My flame does shine from time to time.

In stormy wind I may flicker and fade

Yet still I stand - a burning witness for faith.

Wow....Yes *clap clap clap*

That was so intense. I am not sure what to think. You just captured what so many young girls feel. Young...lol...I am still young too. Anyway...

So, she was down on herself for no reason? She imagined she was looked at negatively by others? She was dissillusioned by the image in the mirror? The human brain is a wonder. Why do we tourture ourselves?

Well done.

WHAT!@##$?!

I LOVED IT!....I smiled the whole way through. It's like...life SUCKS...and it get's worse. You poked fun and you cracked me up! That was great. That was very creative and not the typical list of bad fortune, it's mixed with nonsensical ideas and funny unexpected comments. I may be a little crazy, but I think a person who can "loathe" a little bit in a comical manner, deserves proper credit.

BTW my friends and I call it "loathing" when bad things happen and we just have to laugh at things...in life that aren't funny till they're over and re-told.

First of all, I love this title. Maybe I am sentimental and a wuss, but I am touched by your words. I cried. My brother also died, when he was 15.

Isn't it always the case?...we blame ourselves, even a little...it's like a reaction...what could I have done more? Most death is preventable....right?

Well I felt your pain. Inspiration comes in the hardest times. You've done a beautiful tribute.

How's that Parmenion and Quincunx? Does that balance it out? Paint a picture? Answer some questions? Add depth? What do you think?

Motionless so as not to upset the bruises.

Body aches from a dangerous cycle,

everybody looses.

Sadness enters, followed by great anger.

Child to Mother never protected by those

who're said to love her.

Every joy, every success chokes for air.

Like a flame under foot - you like

to see me there.

Your way is the only way, I have no worth.

Question me, you never believed in me.

Father, King of Hurt.

Loveless life of fear and negativity:

The life you lived and know so well.

This your gift? Your legacy?

Mothers 3, that never loved me.

Neglected and forsaken bordering insanity.

Lesson - Beauty’s skin deep.

One who left and abandoned me

Two who harmed and hated me

Three’s a charm, and charmed she did,

Till truth arrived in perfect form

With boundless fury, no one can rid.

YOU’RE the artist of what you live.

Blame the man blame the moon but

Life delivers what you give.

She’s friendless, selfish, blind and unfair.

Yet skilled, and deep - a perfect friend

Until you near the heart, beware!

It’s no wonder, to him I cleaved

8 years of sorrow, disappointment and grief

I had no view of what life could be.

Disassociation was my saving grace.

Guardian Angels and God

filled the empty space.

Somewhere along the road of a wounded life,

Beyond tragedy, trial and err,

I found my way into the light.

My flame does shine from time to time.

In stormy wind I may flicker and fade

Yet still I stand - a burning witness for faith.

If you are anything like me...which no one is I am sure....but if you were....you would think too hard and come up dry...Sometimes the answers are simple...and in plain sight! lol.

The first one strikes me the thought of...fear of the unknown. The survival instinct. No one really knows where life leads and what will come of them.

The second part is so common as well. Meaning that remorse, those unforgiving memories that haunt us. It's the advisary trying to shackle us with guilt and self hate. Forgivness is the only way to life.

Sounds lonely. Sounds like me. However the sea is not empty. The sea is FULL of life. I think that the good is always there, underneath...waiting for discovery. But the efforts of life just weaken our attempts to find joy and peace and wholeness....

I like it. I feel the pain as I read it. I can relate.

Sounds like you sacrafice yourself for the needs of someone else. Although this may bring you purpose and momentary satisfaction...you may end up more lost and empty in the end. I think friends sometimes use each other. The users need to be made aware of your needs and exsistance. They may not realize their affect on you.

Finding out who you are is a lifelong struggle. I have found that who I am is infact pieces of everyone I've known...everyone who has affected me. It's all wrapped up into the person I am. Who you are grows...changes...hopefully evolves and advances. Life and trials help determine a person. Your reactions may even surprise you at times. I struggle with who I am and who I want to become...everyday.

[EDIT: I saw an orphaned center tag so I centered the poem. If that wasn't your intent, I'll change it back. --Tzimfemme/Quincunx]

Deep sadness

loneliness

Surrounded by selfishness

Betrayal

The forgoten one

transparent

Life's trials multiply

Abandoned

Door mat

molested

Depressions sets in

Emptiness

I get so worked up sometimes.

I can't really pin point why.

Maybe it's the lack of communication,

Or the distractions sitting by.

I have strong feelings of distain for you.

Only really once in a while.

I wonder if it's the way you play games,

Like trying to manipulate my mind.

This is like a silent scream.

I am crying deep, deep inside.

I am beyond the doubts and wondering,

Now I have fully given in to the bribe.

Maybe I am giving up.

Maybe I am doing what's right.

It's really hard to say how this saga ends,

How can one tell, when there is so little light?

You like to think you are the one

The one taking all the risk and changes.

I am foolishly biting my tonuge everyday

Hoping that I will have something good to say.

You sit there and play in your own little world

Avoiding this reality,

Why must you pretend this way?

How did I get here, what must I do?

Must I remain here, rotting away?

How can I break through to you?

I already know there is no way.

But still I insist on the torture of failure...

it's evident, it's futile, the outcome is immanent.

Somebody stab me...anything...could there BE anything to make this MORE painful?

Thanks you two...It helps to hear that other men might be pleagued with the same involuntary instict...or whatever you would call it. I am sure that in early man times that if it were not for mens powerful desire to spread their seed, that we would have died off...!LOL. I am sure that most women would not um...go for a dirty, stinky, obnoxious neandertal...I am not that serious, cuz I am sure that the women were in the same boat at that time. However, you get my point.

Anyway, I wrote this poem in flighty, angry, fustration. I have since spoken to him and he is sorry for his weakness...."the undieing curiousty for womankind" He says he was born with it. He called it a brain malfunction...a defect....or a strength...He said that he is not like most men...that his curiousity is not purely sexual...but simply an appreciation. That it is more powerful in him than in say a man that is a computer nerd and never had a girlfriend. That he can remember being 6 and infatuated with female.

I told him that just as an alchoholic can sober, just as we are all born with weaknesses, just as Jesus could overcome the world and every temptation, that he too was not exempt from becoming better. I would not accept that he was incapable of controling his thoughts, words, eyes, and behavior. It's better now, well...he has agreed to work on being better as long as I am patient with him and give him time to redirect this inborn behavior that has been with him for so long with out opposition. He has never had to behave. So I will have to train him a bit. SHAME on me...WOA to me...for falling in love with a man that brings me this pain. I can only hope for success, I can only pray for a miracle.

It's the way you stare

It's the look in your eyes

It's you falling over to get a peek

At her.

I don't care if she's tall or short

If she's fat or thin

If she's blonde or brunette

It's you.

This is about you

I can't keep your attention

I can't satisfy your curiosity

With "her".

You just don't realize

How embarrassing it is

To be the one with the one,

Thrill seeker.

Can't you see....you?

Don't you realize

This little issue for you,

Is my HOT button?

Don't you care?

Why would you behave this way?

Don't you understand

This is not OK?

We will never work

If you can never change

I have made a mistake

We're through!

I am not your teacher

I am not a babysitter

I need a real man, teamplayer

An equal partner.

It's safe here. Safe from involved, complicated, obligations. Obligations like...joy, peace, stability yelck! Who needs those things when you can be stressed as crazy as curly hair in the morning? Who needs joy when you can be sick and weak with worry? I am just fine, my headache is pounding over the noise of the creditors calling. I am alright my vision is blurry so who needs light in this dark room? Happy is BORING...and annoying....I thought I was going to be happy, but...it's just not my stilo.

Sticky grips of dark energy

slip over my eyes.

Shutting out the light.

My sky is losing it's blue.

My eyes have been stinging

since I met you.

I blame my own self.

I am the only one to blame.

You seem to make the colors of life

deeper

and the light brighter

you turn up the contrast,

somehow.

Dangerous highs

and lows...

Where this ends no one knows.

Still I embrace the mundane, melancholy...barely

alive

Yet I strive to simply survive

it's not wise.

Shadow eyes

I do know, you know...

I know where to find the light

I am just too weak to fight

Truth is preceded by light...

I know where truth lives...

My last effort's to seek this...

My only mercy...

Follow the light

Follow, seek, obtain...

This elusive, fleeting, hungry, ever dimming

light.

Wow! here I am a day late and a dollar short...huhuhu. I am SO out of it! WoW again...ironic that I am so depressing and yet a derivitive of my name means...cheerful....Figure that one out. I don't know...is the route of tattered tate? I guess so...could it be? I don't know if that's right how can cheerful turn to ragged? Hmm...Well I hope I still get a promotion...not that I deserve it. What is it anyway? Can I change my name...? I dont really like it I think I would rather be....Aurora...something prteety...although I have no clue what that name means...hmmm maybe I should change my name to something more descriptive of me like...Perpetual Emotion....Uh oh...I am rambling...agian

Ayshela and Peredhil, you two are my biggest fans. You are so cute and sweet, for paying any attention to a poet as pathetic as me. Thanks...Mwah

When it rains it pours,

And it's raining love down on me.

And so it goes.

Now I can finally breathe.

Someone shined, love's light on me.

Everybody knows and it's plain to see.

Love from every angle is hitting me...

Now it only gets better after it gets worse.

All the days I lived in darkness, cursed,

Are now just a memory.

Since God smiled so brightly

down on me

Thank the Lord for peace-

Thank you for everything

Thank you, can't say it enough....

For Loving

Me.

Every body is searching for that elusive thing.

That thing called love or purpose, meaning

I feel so lost and trapped and down.

How long will I sit in silence on the ground?

I lost my self worth some where on the way.

Through my life and trials it has slipped away.

Every new begining is followed by the end.

Every bright ray shining turns to shadows of a friend.

I don't know how to stand again

I've lost the energy and desire to try

I give up

I have lost

The battle is won

Death 3 and me none

Very cool. You'll notice I am not one to give constructive criticism because I am no expert. However, I recognize talent when I see it. I liked the rythm here, Yah to 4 Tet! I like to do that some times, write with music in the background. Very thought provoking your little idea about waking to no sun and your life becoming y instead of x...I really like that. Insightful.