Jakob

Pervert..... I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four... Quill-Bearer of The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

Aye, a hearty congratulations to all our newly promoted gophers.... eh... I mean, Pages..... Embarrased at his slip, Jakob busily looks for something to drink... Ummm... Foe, could you spare a nip? I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four... Quill-Bearer of The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

Inwardly cringing at Lady Celes Crusader's venomous stare, Jakob forcefully maintains his composure. Strangely, he finds it harder to preserve his usual stoic countanance. "Wyvern is right. We shouldn't just stand around and play with our belly lint. Wait... Did I just say belly lint? He pauses to reflect on ihs choice of metaphors and begins to giggle... Ozymandias, Peredhil, and Gyrfalcon all look at Jakob with a sense of foreboding. "That's it," Gyrfalcon whispers to the others.. "He's losing it. That staff was the center of his stability." Jakob giggles a little more then looks around... "I'll be okay. Really, I will..." He gently pats the half-elf on the head. Appearing to notice the strangely shaped ears for the first time, he wonders at the slightly pointed tips... "Wow. Has anyone ever told you that those look just like Mr. Spock's ears?" Suddenly distracted, Jakob turns towards the Squirrel Duo and gasps in delight... "Awwww... Lookee at the cute little squirrels. Here ya go little fellas." From his robes, Jakob pulls what's left of his lunch (a fragment of what can only be a liver and onion sandwich on wheat bread smeared liberally with lox) and breaks off little pieces for the Duo. Both of whom are staring at the proffered food and beginning to turn slightly green in the face. "Holy Spit!" Simon breathes... "IfhecomesanycloserImgonnabitehim. IfhecomesanycloserImgonnabitehim." chants Lewis. "RUN!" they both scream in unison. "My god," mutters Ozymandias. "The bastard has stolen Jakob's sanity." "Right, not a problem." Tzimfemme calmly pulls a large white garment from her ever-present bag of tricks and moves towards Jakob. "Ozymandias, Gyrfalcon, Jechum. Hold him while i get this on him..." Quickly, the three gently restrain Jakob. He begins to pull away from the helping hands of his brethren. "They are hungry. Let me go. I just wanna feed the cute little fellas. Did you know I can rub my belly and pat my head at the same time? No, wait. Or was that, pat my belly and rub my head?" While pondering his latest flash of insight, Tzimfemme quickly fastens the straitjacket around Jakob. "Okay, that should hold him. Jechum, you and Peredhil put him somewhere he can stay out of trouble. Take him to my room if you have to. Just keep him away from the large cage in the back. Kendricke is still in there..."

OOC: GUFFAW!!!!

Commentator: Ahem.. To continue, we will take a quick look at the Special Effects Group from the internationally reknowned CreamWorks Company based in Hollywood, California. You may recongnize the name from such Blockbuster hits like the "Cream" Trilogy, "Cream Pow: Enter the Lactose", the upcoming Indiana Jones sequel "Raiders of the Créme Brulée". Camera pans towards a closed door marked "Caution: Souflee Construction In Progress" Commentator: Okay, real quiet now. We don't want to sabotage the hard work... Camera zooms in on the doorknob as a hand slowly opens the door and swings it inward. Panning upward, the image shows the interior of the workshop. Several men stand around a small oven standing near one wall. Atop each head is a strange looking white puff ball mounted on a tall cylinder of cream colored cardboard... A stream of gibberish fountains from each of the crewmembers. Camera pans back to the commentator. Commentator: My God! They've cloned the Swedish Chef! Obviously, TPIMTTS has spared no expense in making this movie a ... SPLAT!!! The camera zooms out to show a large splatter of dough smacking the commentator in the back of the head... Commentator: ... blockbuster production. OOOF! Um.. OW! Perhaps we should move on to the... HEY! STOP THAT! ... musical scoring department. QUIT IT! Camera backs out of the room to allow the commentator to retreat out of range of the irate chefs as they hurl various implements and foodstuffs towards the camera crew... Camera fades to black.

Now available on VHS cassette and DVD – Lord of the Pens! In a stunning announcement today, TPIMTTS marketing executives announced that the blockbuster literary docudrama “Lord of the Pens” will completely bypass movie theaters and be released directly to VHS video and DVD. Executives also announced that beta format will be available in select areas. Included in the DVD format will be a behind the scenes exclusive depicting the hazardous yet humorous antics of several members of the production company. The pinnacle of the extra footage focuses on the up and coming members of the production staff tasked with the creation of the infamous Quill’s Pen. The mystical pen that provides the Lord of the Pens with his powers is the focus for much of the picture and took several weeks to be completed. As a sneak peek into this stunning production, TPIMTTS insiders have allowed us to preview, in its entirety, the extra footage captured during filming. With absolutely no sense of self-promotion, The Pen is Mightier than the Sword Productions Inc. proudly presents: “The Making of the Pen’s Quill”.

*sigh* Jakob summons one of his faithful sheep and sprays a generous amount of sticky-tack over it's fleece. Carefully avoiding the adhesive, he points the mobile sticky note towards the UBB Conservatory and implants the image of fresh grass on the threads surrounding his beginning post of the erstwhile parody in the hopes of eventual retreival...

I ahd assumed the UBB Conservatory... If our erstwhile Elder would be so kind as to clarify, I will be happy to ... ummm.... well, you know.... The vertically challenged mage casually pulls some more lint from his cavernous ear...

Umm.... Jakob recalls a dim memory.... I believe I started it somewhere in the conservatory.... Hastily he fishes through his pockets... Ah, here it is....

Early one morn' I was risin... 'ere still dark, the horizon. Me pants on the floor. Quick, to the door. Prior night's drinks were VERY mezmerizon. I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four... Quill-Bearer of The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

Noticing in dismay that the free drinks will end soon, Jakob scrambles to reach the bar... "Greetings Bhurin... um.. would ya mind givin me a leg up?" I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four... Quill-Bearer of The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

Jakob tries to picture Peredhil shushing down the snowy slopes on a snowboard.... "Nope." Images of Peredhil challenging a near-vertical cliff faces of the the buttes of New Mexico... "Nuh-uh." Peredhil plummeting headfirst from the sky aiming for the small circle painted in the empty field below... "I don't thinks so...." Genuinely interested, Jakob asks... "Peredhil, just how do you do the Dew?" On a side note..... Matron of Bodaciousnous? I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four... Quill-Bearer of The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

Casting a hasty glance towards the door, Jakob drops the small pot into his hands and sighes with relief... "Good thing... although... if you are short on cash and have a taste for fine liquer, you might swing by the Tavern of the Morning Rose... I'm sure I can dupe an initiate or two into paying for a few rounds..." He pulls out a list of recent applicants to the Legion of the White Rose and exits the office mumbling to himself... "Hrmm... Gorion is new AND he just received his sig... That's an easy four rounds there..." The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.. Initiate of the Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

It takes a few moments for the shock of Spellbinder's undoing to wear off. Jakob's mouth still hangs open with incredulity... "What in bloody blazes happened?!?!?" He grumbles at the somewhat inexplicable turn of events... With a slight shake, he looks around and quickly moves to the aid of the other mages in the room... "M'Lady..." he offers a steadying hand to the Huntress "Oh my dear, I am terribly sorry. In my current agitation I have forgotten that you have asked me not to address you so. Yui-chan. Here, allow me to help you, my dear... Careful. That's it... sit here..." Deftly, he snares a chair with an outstretched foot and pulls it near for her to sit upon... With the help of Elrohir, he guides her to it and allows him to seat the dazed Huntress... Turning from Yui-chan, he surveys the rest of the battered room. With a determined look on his face, Jakob comes to a silent decision... Turning, he makes his way towards the wall nearest him. As he approaches, he is heard to say one word.... "Arch!" With a whispered hiss... a large, emerald-hued metal archway appears in the wall. Enclosed within, shimmers a pool of silver light. With a last glance back into the room, Jakob steps through and vanishes... to be followed immediately by the disappearance of the strange arch....

OzymandiasT posted, El Jakob posted, A shudder of effort courses through Jakob's body. The sheer force of the battle of wills between him and Spellbinder is obvious by the look on his face. A gasp of pain escapes Jakob lips as he finally establishes control over the demon... "Ahhh.... Now, it is complete. Spellbinder, I command you to call for your former master. Summon him here. Tell him you have established control and need his presence. Once he is here, you will hold him. I wish to try an experiment."

Standing at the door of the Recruiter's Office is a stooped old mage. Clothed in dingy white robes edged in emerald silk, he looks around for someone in charge... Spying the draconian shape hunched over a scarred and well-worn desk, he makes his way inside... "Excuse me? But, might you be in charge here? I seemed to have found this rather peculiar shrubbery in my kingdom. I think it belongs to someone here..." He holds it up and points to a curious set of words carved into its limbs.... Present this shrubbery in the Recruiters Office of the Pen is Mightier Than the Sword... *Z* "Now, the only 'Z' I know would be a good freind of mine named Zadown... but he is no longer in Terra..." Jakob sniffs gently... "Speaking of which, last time I met with him, he asked me to drop this off..." He pulls a scrap of paper from his pocket and sets it on the desk... Wyvern, resenting the interruption slightly, glances as the scrap of paper... on it, he reads... Honoured Elder, The bearer of this missive is one of my true and dearest friends. He is one of incredible imagination and creativity on par with my own. I humbly submit the name of Jakob as a worthy member of the Pen is Mightier Than the Sword. Please consider this his request for membership. I do this because I know he is too self-effacing to do it himself. Zadown Quill-Bearer The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard..Edited by: El Jakob at: 7/31/01 10:09:04 am

Recoiling from sheer horror, Jakob steels himself to hold the True Name at the foremost of his mind... He takes in the sight of an undead dragon advancing on Meatgrinder and the demon-warriors making their way towards him... In an effort to spare the Polite Mage from harm, he places himself in front of Peredhil and raises both of his arms... Slowly at first, then with increasing cadence, Jakob begins to incant... The spell he has begun is recognized by many of the Phantasms as Temporal Stasis Field... a spell that was learned by Jakob at great cost... As he finishes the incantation... a soft blue light engulfs the demon-warriors, slowing their movements, each step taking minutes instead of seconds... Satisfied, Jakob turns his attention to Spellbinder... He pulls a small metal object from his pockets... a small four wheeled object of mettalic blue... large fins extending from the back of it and two small lights on the front... He presses a small button on the back and two piercing, cerulean beams of light project towards Spellbinder... where the beams touch the floor, a Wall of Silence is created blocking any enchantments that Spellbinder may cast towards him... Jakob turns towards Peredhil and grins... "I knew this Cadillac Fleetwood would come in handy for something..." Quickly, Jakob begins his enchantment... " Sic friatur crustulum! Nolite sinere nothos te corruere!" The words of power stumble from Jakob's lips... His brow furrowed with the effort, he names Spellbinder... "I claim power over thee, you foul creature... Zeernebooch... by knowing your True Name, I claim dominion over you... Heed my mastery or suffer my wrath!"

As his strength begins to return, Jakob fumbles in his pockets once again... Looking towards Peredhil, he gives the old mage a knowing wink, letting Peredhil know that he has considered the same plan as well and is ready... Jakob pulls forth a small crystal that glimmers with an inner light... muttering a small cantrip, he releases the magic power stored within the mana crystal... As the power flows outward, an aura of pale verdant light surrounds the withered mage and his eyes begin to gleam a bright emerald hue... Once suffused with power, Jakob makes his way towards Peredhil, touching each of his companions and adding his healing powers to their own... Taking his place alongside the Polite Mage, Jakob rests his hand on Peredhil's shoulder, bolstering his magic powers and letting him know that it is time... "I am ready... if you are..."

Jakob staggers back from the recoil of the blast. Blood streaming from his injured hand, he leans heavily against the door he just entered through. He shakes his head and tears flood his eyes as he watches his freind start to release the portal... "Zadown..." he cries... "Are you truly lost to all that you loved and those who love you? Are you ready to sacrifice all that you have worked so hard for in all your wanderings? By calling these demons to this plane and facing them here, you are sure to destroy all that is good in you." Gathering his remaining strength, Jakob summons a restorative field around him. Slowly the cuts and scrapes from the shattered mirror close and heal. Scars form and begin to fade, but not completely... His head hangs low when he realizes that the wounds were not merely from the glass. He knows that each cut and gouge in his flesh was powered by Zadown's self-loathing and pity... He turns to address the others in the room... "All of you... It is plain that this summoning cannot be stopped. Our only hope is to unite together in support of our troubled friend. Lend him our strength in his greatest time of need."

In a blast of hot air, a short, slightly round mage waddles in from the heat. He pulls a dirty scrap of cloth from one of the pockets in his robes and begins wipe some of the sweat from his forhead. "My goodness... It is just plain hot out there." As he continues to dry himself with the already soaked rag his eyes take in the horrific scene unfolding in front of him... "Zadown... what are you doing? Stop this insanity before you destroy yourself. Truly, you can sense that these are merely you own inner demons manifested?" The wizened mage shakes his head... "Come now, my freind. Look deep inside yourself. You will see that my words are true." As he speaks, Jakob searches through his pockets... "Do not make these innocents suffer for your own self torment." He suddenly grins as he finds what he's looking for... Slowly he pulls the object from his pocket... "Look here, Zadown. Look into this mirror..." Jakob holds the ornate hand mirror up towards him...