Feedback for 'As yet untitled'

[Nobody of Consequence]

No idea how long this piece will end up being. Anyway, thought I'd be presumptuous enough to assume I'll get some responses, and get the ball rolling.

[Wyvern]

I recently read what's been written in this tale so far... Overall, I find the quality of writing and range of vocabulary excellent, though the storyline thus far is not particularly exciting.

 

From a technical standpoint, the writing is consistantly excellent, as is the level of detail that has been incorporated in painting the settings and backgrounds of the characters. The dialogue of the characters, in particular, struck me as brilliant... it really added to the medieval mood of the piece.

 

Having said this, not too much has happened in the tale as of yet, and thus it's difficult to judge it at this point... These first posts read like an introduction to me, establishing the rolls of certain characters which I'm certain will develope as the tale moves onward. My one complaint would be that, despite the initial feud between Caradoc and Quain, there seems to be a certain lack of conflict throughout... This caused the story to drag for me at certain points, though the afformentioned initial conflict continues to loom ominously in the background. Perhaps if the inner conflict and feelings of revenge experienced by Caradoc were more vividly depicted in his emotions and actions, it would make for a more fastpaced read.

 

Anyhow, these are just my thoughts... :-) I look forward to reading more when it comes out, and am particularly looking forward to seeing developments between Caradoc and Mathilde (currently my favorite character), as well as seeing that bastard Quain get his just dues... ;-p

[Nobody of Consequence]

Thanks, Wyv. Now that I've had a couple of days to ponder this, I'm beginning to think that perhaps I ought to go into greater detail in two instances: Caradoc's inital charge at Count Quain, and the duel Caradoc fights with the dandy in Cybinne? THink that would help?

 

You're on the money with the scene setting, though. This story gets BIG, I'm afraid

[Kasmandre]

Just finished reading what you have so far. Really excellent. I love the lauguage and everything so far. The lack of conflict and the pacing really didn't bother me, but I can see how that may be a problem. These did seem like the first few chapters of a much longer work, so I can easily forgive a slower exposition.

 

I did notice a few things which you might want to look at, though. First, Quain mentions that Caradoc's mother was of Corric descent, but when he goes to Rye, the Corric homeland, he seeks out his father's relatives. Maybe I read something wrong, but that's how it looked to me.

 

Throughout, you use pennies to describe how much things cost. This seems a little strange to me, especially the ten thousand penny goal. You might consider changing at least the larger amounts into sovergns.

 

Finally, sometime in the second post (at least I think it was the second), when Caradoc is daydreaming of breaking through Quain's retainers and getting vengence then and there, you refer to Quain as a Baron instead of a Count. I was never very good with titles, so they might be the same thing for all I know, but it stuck out to me.

 

Overall, very good. I can't wait to read more.

[Nobody of Consequence]

Kas - well spotted, and thanks.

 

/me rushes off to fix up the loose ends

 

Just one slight problem I have with this at the moment: I recently submitted the first chapter as a pitch for a magazine serial, and if I'm fortunate enough to make it to the next stage of consideration, I'll have to submit a very much trimmed version of the plotline. At the moment I'm trying to decide what to leave out and what to include, so I might have to post the amended versions in a few more days.