RE: Cheyenne - My Father [Banquet Room]

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Cheyenne's poem can be read here.

 

Cheyenne,

 

This is a lovely piece of writing and a very enjoyable read, so enjoyable, in fact, that I immediately began to jot down a couple notes about its use of shape and sound after a first reading. On the off-chance you might find these observations to be helpful here they are:

 

The two great structural strengths of the piece are its visual and auditory aspects – shape and sound.

 

Shape - The regular and gradual decrease in line length leads the eye along a movement which mirrors that of the poem itself which begins with the vague generality of an experience not properly understood and progresses by steps of understanding and contact to a point of deep and genuine intimacy. This is beautifully done and includes the wonderful and unexpected touch of the word Goodbye being the point of greatest closeness as opposed to a word of disjunction and separation.

 

Sound - The use of repeated long E sounds effectively ties the piece together. The long E sounds bear and carry its movements and the echos of the long E from line to line creates a sense of continuity within the action of the piece. This is so effective that what are ordinarily very weak words – the adverbs – take on a surprising strength. The only line of the poem which does not contain a long E sound is the first and the long E of the final is understated which allows the long I sound of Goodbye to recapture and complete the long I sounds which dominate at the beginning of the piece – nicely done.

 

This being said, I think there are a couple aspects of the piece that are worth looking at with an eye to rewriting. I’ll put a follow-up post together with a few more thoughts either later today or tomorrow as time permits.

[Cyril Darkcloud]

A couple aspects of the piece are worth a closer look.

 

1. Inconsistent pronouns - The first line of the poem employs the second person form of address ‘you’ but the rest of the poem employs the 3rd person ‘he’ with the possible exception of the ambiguous ‘my dear friend’ of the fourth line. If you do not intend to make full use of the direct address quality of the 2nd person form, an exclusive 3rd person usage would be more effective and less confusing to the reader.

 

2. Word choice – At least to this reader, lines 5 and 6, do not seem to be as effective as they might be. The question of line 5 might perhaps be more strongly expressed as a declaration of wonder. The coupling of blindness with sight has some potential, but the blindness literally comes out of nowhere and thus lacks force. On a related note, a simple change in the punctuation of line 2 is worth considering a it might lend force to the following lines – I came to slowly but ... O! What a sight!

 

3. End of line adverbs – The way you have used the adverbs allows you to maintain the consistent use of long E sounds at the end of the lines and this is certainly a good thing. However, it also places the weight of the line on the description of action rather than upon the actions themselves. Another possibility might be to shift the long E sounds to the beginning of the lines which would allow you to highlight both the description and the action in equal measure:

 

Haltingly, I reached out to him.

Lovingly, he took my hand

pulling me close to him.

Tenderly, he whispered

Goodbye

 

Here, the commas create a pause that allows emphasis on the adverb while the actions of the verbs is allowed space in which to assert itself. This format also slows down the flow of the words a bit allowing the actions to linger in the experience of the reader a little longer. This is a rather drastic change, however, and so I propose it primarily as something to consider in thinking about the piece.

 

Whether it is eventually re-written or not, this is a fine piece of writing and the coupling of the visual shape of the piece to a somewhat lyrical repetition of sound that it models is a great example of creativity and technique.

 

Keep writing!

[Cheyenne]

Thank you so much Cyril! I really appreciate the thought and attention that you have given to my work. By all means, critique me anytime!

 

On a side note, I have been asked a couple times if this poem has any significance to me. Yes, but it is not due to the death (in the physical form) of my father. He gave up on life 5 years ago and made a point to say goodby to me. He is still with us, but my father is gone. He was such a mamoth man both in stature and, well, life, his presence would fill a room with only 2 or three people in it. I miss him.

 

I think that I will re-write this poem. Maybe I can try to rewrite history, or maybe the future, with it.

 

Once again

Thanx

 

Cheye