WrenWind Posted March 12, 2003 Report Share Posted March 12, 2003 Lies This is in its "not quite sure what i was thinking" state but figured it might benifit from being pulled apart. Have at it!! Lies all lies Every day I say I love you lies It's not that I don't care I do Love on the other hand no not the love you feel for me Lies all lies if I live it long enough will it be different? I doubt some day it will all catch up to me Lies all the lies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted March 13, 2003 Report Share Posted March 13, 2003 (edited) Hmm, I think the repetation of the statement "Lies all lies" takes away from it. I would leave it at the top but remove the second posting of it. The one at the end varies slightly so it is alright. I think your examples portray the frustration without the extra in your face wording of "Lies all lies." Formatting might also help, maybe adding some commas to slow the word flow..and a period here or there to mark the end of a complete thought. You could post this in "The Writers Workshop" if you wanted some more in dept crits if it is a work in progress. Edited March 13, 2003 by Rune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WrenWind Posted March 14, 2003 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2003 I can do that now i didn't know there was such a place till today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rune Posted March 14, 2003 Report Share Posted March 14, 2003 Yep! The secrets of the pen have been unlocked for you Wren, welcome to the "write" side. (get it, welcome to the dark side? eh?? get it? *giggles*) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tralla Posted March 14, 2003 Report Share Posted March 14, 2003 I like the broken meter of the lines... it really adds a feeling of desperation, disturbance, or extreme emotional stress to the poem. Instead of repeating Lies all lies in the last stanza, why not put something like, "All lies"? You have fragments of the saying elsewhere, so it would fit well, and still reinforce the message. It would sound even more like a broken person's teary jumbled rantings. =) I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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