Feedback for Tasslehoff

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Tasslehoff,

 

I've spent a bit of time exploring your site and reading through some of the things you've posted here. You have some very promising stuff.

 

Your output is a bit daunting, however -- I wish I had half of your productivity Given both that you have written so many pieces and the ebb and flow in the amount of free time that I have during any given day, it seemed wise to start a thread here where I can begin collecting some thoughts about your work and posting them as I get the chance. I hope you don't mind such a disjointed approach. Hopefully a few other members will also see this thread and post some of their analysis as well.

 

I'll try and start posting some thoughts for you within the next day or two.

_______________________________

 

For those who might have missed his thread in the Cabaret Room, our favorite kender is asking for some critical responses to his work as he'd like to explore the possibility of getting some things published. In addition to the works he has posted here at the Pen, he has a number of other poems at his website that he'd like us to read.

[Tasslehoff]

Cyril. Thank You Very Much. I also hope other post theirs thoughts opinions. It is very daunting [i believe thats the word to use] that you are the only one that has responded [besides Rev]. I guess everyone is just way too busy. once again, thank you Cyril

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Tasslehoff,

 

I like your stuff. Let me just be clear about this before I say anything else because I do not want that fact to be overlooked as I make a couple suggestions of things to think about in your writing. Let me also say that I am not a professional poet, nor am I a professional poetry critic. What I am is a man that thinks good reading is as much an art as good writing and has tried to master both arts as best he can -- thus take anything I say with a good-sized grain of salt. This is your work and it's clearly important to you and I'd simply like to see it be as strong as it can be.

Edited February 13, 2003 by Cyril Darkcloud

[Cyril Darkcloud]

OK, that being said, here are a couple initial reflections that might be helpful as you go about the process of selecting and preparing your work for presentation elsewhere [i'm not ready to recommend specific pieces yet as I have't even read everything ]

 

Curiously enough, one of the most striking experiences I had in browsing the work you posted at your site was a visual one. Each of the pieces was formatted so that its text was centered in the window. As this is not the usual way text is presented it is something that does catch the attention, and in catching the attention repeatedly it raises a couple worthwhile questions:

 

1. Given that you have posted a couple pieces both here and on your website, and have used different formatting options in the two places, are you perhaps a little too indifferent to the way you present your text to the eye of your readers?

 

For example, an all-centered format works well with some short pieces, but on a purely visual level can be difficult to work through in a longer piece. Also, the centered format is a striking option that commands the attention and so is best used on select pieces that can take advantage of the visual surprise. How your text meets the eye is an important thing – you’d be surprised at how often a reader can make a judgment or impression about a piece of poetry just by looking at it. In thinking about which pieces to present to a publisher, it might be wise to think about how to present them as well.

 

2. Do you have a reason for the way you decide to start and stop a line of verse? For example is each line a complete sentence or a distinct idea or a certain number of syllables? Again, poetry is often as much about how your words are placed relative to each other as it is about what words you use. There’s no absolute rule to follow here, but a bit of attentiveness to this can go a long way to changing a decent poem into a powerful poem.

 

In your poem Reality from Memories you have a stanza that you present in the following way [centered, however]:

 

I have always been there for you

You know this to be true

I always opened my heart; gave you the warmth,

I will not let this go to waste; Let you wander away,

Never forgetting what there was for us; What there could have been..

 

Is there a reason why that form is used as opposed to: [NOTE - I am only changing the arrangement of your lines]

 

I have always been there for you

You know this to be true

I always opened my heart;

gave you the warmth,

I will not let this go to waste;

Let you wander away,

Never forgetting what there was for us;

What there could have been..

 

Neither one is necessarily better than the other, but each way of arranging the words does produce a different way of experiencing them. It might be worth playing with a couple different ways of arranging the words of one or two of your poems to see if the layout makes any improvement.

 

3. Are you attentive enough to spelling, grammar and punctuation? Admittedly, poetry has its flexible side. That flexibility is best used well, however and not taken for granted. Quite a few of your pieces need to be edited for spelling and this is worth doing sooner rather than later. I know from personal experience how a poorly proofread piece of writing can shoot down an awful lot of work simply because spelling and grammar mistakes can give the impression that the writer is sloppy and unconcerned with what he writes. You've put a lot of yourself into your work and there is no need for something as minor and as easily correctible as this to give the wrong impression.

 

Since I've only read a portion of your stuff, it seemed best to begin with what I hope are some helpful and general pieces of feedback. I'll try and put a few more thoughts together for you over the next couple days once my schedule frees up again.

Edited February 13, 2003 by Cyril Darkcloud

[Tasslehoff]

* the kender wanders up to find a neatly written note tacked to his door. Upon reaching upon [on his tippy-toes mind you] Tasslehoff is finally able to grag the note and take it off the door. Opening the door and entering into his room , he sits down and starts his responce *

 

My Dear Friend Cyril

 

I appreciate all the help you have given me and all your words that have been all so generous and thruthfull to your thinking. Now I will do my best to answer your question and in an attempt, explain my *style*, as per questioned in question number 2 [got that? lol].

 

Question #1

Given that you have posted a couple pieces both here and on your website, and have used different formatting options in the two places, are you perhaps a little too indifferent to the way you present your text to the eye of your readers?

 

The formatting on my wsebsite was done by a friend of mine. I asked him to format them all to the middle, cause at the time, it was the easiet and quickest way to get them up, and readable. I do agree, that not all poems should be centered, and hopefully, one of these days, I will learn a bit of HTML and format them to look their best and flow the easiest.

 

Question #2

Do you have a reason for the way you decide to start and stop a line of verse?

 

Sometimes I do, sometimes I dont. It all depends I guess. Like, my poem: Pouring Hope I repeat a few lines.. I use it as a reminder of what is going throught the writers mind, and it helps further produce a bigger, better image, cause you have to think about it again and again. But other times, I just write as the words come outta my mind, no format, no reason, I just write em down as they come.

 

Question #3

Are you attentive enough to spelling, grammar and punctuation?

 

Unfortunatly. I am horrible at spelling, I have been meaning to go back and correct it all for SO many days.. I will do that one day.. lol.. Just keep harping on me about it..

 

 

Well I hope I answered those well, but I must be off. Big math test tomorrow. Thanks again Cyril, and have a good day my friend..

 

A Kenderish Tasslehoff

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Tasslehoff, I’ve searched out everything you’ve posted here since the move to the new Forum and spent some time reading not just the poems themselves but also the reactions of the members who responded. Based on the responses of other members, your own comments about the work and my own sense of the quality and/or potential quality of the writing, I’m proposing the following 6 pieces as the most interesting and promising poems of those you’ve posted here since the move.

 

[Note - I still have not read through everything on your website, but these should be a good place to start]

 

1. Eternity Locks which can be found here.

 

2. Double Vision which can be found here.

 

3. Explicit First Love which can be found here.

 

4. Unrelenting which can be found here.

 

5. Hidden Questions which can be found here.

 

6. Nostro Piccolo Segreto which can be found here.

 

You’ve got some good stuff here, but each one of these still needs to be worked on – Hidden Questions and Double Vision especially so – as all of them have some rough features that require attention. But each of these has the potential to be a strong poem.

 

Once I get a chance to read through the rest of the pieces on your site I’ll try and ‘recommend’ another few pieces to you.

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Just a quick addendum to the above post:

 

Tasslehoff, I am not going to narrow those 6 poems above down to 1 or 2 specific favorites of my own. I think each of them has good potential, but you need to be the one who ultimately selects which pieces he'd like to work on to present elsewhere.

 

Hopefully, if you agree with my recommendations above, you'll have a smaller pool of pieces to ask the other members to look at and can thus get the advantage of having a few other voices state their preferences.

 

I'll try and put together a similar list of what I think are your stronger and/or more promising pieces from your website some time during the next few days. Life is looking busy out this way, however, so it might take a little longer.

 

BTW - Just a reminder since you asked me to stay on you about this: It's never too soon to start fixing up your spelling and grammar issues in these pieces.

Edited February 15, 2003 by Cyril Darkcloud

[Tasslehoff]

I cant not say much for right now I am not at my own computer but I just wanted to thank your for your words and for your help. In a sense you have given me much self-respect and well, thank you .. I promise to do that spelling stuff as soon as I get back into town[in Berzerkly right now]. Off I must be! Ciao

[Rune]

I have been reading them as well Tassle, just taking me awhile. Seems someone picked up unreal tournie and wants to blast it every evening when he gets home. Try reading poetry with some aliens screeching in the background.

 

None the less just be patient with me please. Im trying! But im small..and therefore my eyes arnt as big as Cyrils and it takes me awhile to read big words (welll cause my eyes are so small..and all...that)

 

I will reply as soon as I can. Promise

 

*nuzzles the kender and skips off*

[Tasslehoff]

lol Rune. Okies. I could wait a life time for a cute little demon like you. =P

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Tasslehoff, I’ve spent a fair amount of time on your site and after reading each of the poems [a number of them twice], the following are the ones that I think show the most promise:

 

1. Camino Palmero - which can be read here.

2. Pouring Hope - which can be read here.

3. The Fourth - which can be read here.

4. Time - which can be read here.

5. Washing Love - which can be read here.

6. You and Me - which can be read here.

 

I chose these on the basis of the creativity of the central ideas and images you make use of as well as the quality of your descriptive language. Every one of them does need a fair amount of work. This is not to say they’re bad or weak, only that they can be made into much more effective pieces with a bit of attention and effort, and that given how much of yourself has obviously been put into writing them it is worthwhile to make them as strong as you can. Rewriting is not a bad thing, but a good thing and something we all need to do.

 

Again, as I noted above, this is your work and you’re the one whose time and energy will be invested in working on these pieces and so I will simply repeat the I think each of these pieces has good potential but will not narrow the list further myself.

 

Also, by proposing a smaller list of pieces [12 is a much more manageable number than 60 ] hopefully you’ll be able to get a bit more feedback.

[Tasslehoff]

Cyril

 

you know.. I just looked at those six that you selected, and well, one of them came into my mind and I already have new ideas on how to increase its length and let it flow a bit more, and others, I forgotten I had written em, and how decent that actually where. Thanks! lol

[Cyril Darkcloud]

Glad to hear that, Tasslehoff. I've certainly found with regard to my own stuff that there is a real value in going back to earlier pieces and simply hearing their voices again. Often doing that can give some interesting ideas as to how to improve them or even suggest new avenues to explore in writing. I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with.