Vlad Posted October 31, 2002 Report Share Posted October 31, 2002 (edited) This is my application for the Pen. E-mail:sadman87@mchsi.com Warning: If you oppose contradictions, then don't read the following. Insteasd, read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. ***** It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... Coincidentaly it was also a dark and stormy night, much like tonight. The ghouls were brooding, and the brooders were ghouling. Actually, tonight isn't dark. Nor stormy. And it wasn't really in a galaxy far, far away. It was in a quaint little town in the midwest United States. On second thought, It was the bustling metropolis of Toronto, Canada. No, let's go back to the midwest. But not a small town. Chicago maybe. Kansas City. Chicago? Omaha? Los Angeles sounds good. And it wasn't really that long ago. But it is a while back. So, it's settled! A fine, clear day, a few years ago in Los Angeles. I was walking down the street to the local zoo. I wanted to meet my girlfriend there. I liked her. That's why she was my girlfriend. She liked monkeys. That's why I was her boyfriend. Now, you may be thinking that Vlad isn't a good monkey name. It's a vampire name. But I'm getting to that. Wait a sec... If it was a bright clear day, then what would a vampire be doing outside? Sunscreen. Anyways, back to the past. Not the future. That is a good movie, a horrible book, and not the topic of this application. The monkey thing can be explained quite simply. I had an abundance of facial hair. Even though vampires aren't supposed to have facial hair, I did. Well, after meeting her at the zoo, we went around and looked at all of the creatures. The wolves wouldn't stop staring at me, and I felt like I had a special bond with the bats. Bond as in connection, not the spy, which is also a very good movie, and still not the topic of this application. In the middle of the day, she stopped at the cafe and got a soda-pop. She told me to get something to drink too. I should add that she hadn't learned I was a vampire at this point. Most likely, disspelling any doubts she had, I bit into her neck. She thought it was cute. What an odd person. In fact, that's why I like her. She believes in the paranormal and such. She also believes in Numerology. Her number is three. Hence, she is odd. The next time I saw her, she had a beard that would make lumberjacks jealous. That's why we broke up. Which concludes the "past". Almost. Shortly afterwards I started shaving using Gilete Mach 3. For a clean smooth shave, every time. No, I'm not being paid to advertize the... One moment. I must answer my cell phone. ... Yes. Yes, I am being paid to advertize the product. There's the present for you. But to explaing the "Slightly Mangled Zoo Animals" I must delve back into the "past". My girlfriend saw a giraffe, such despicable creatures they are, taking a piss. Am I allowed to write 'piss' in this guild? If I'm not then... PISS. PISS. PISS. Back to the giraffe. My girlfriend saw it and wanted to get a drink. I already mentioned that she's odd, so I won't say anything about Numerology now. Oops! Just did. Cie la vie. I hope I spelled that right... Now the giraffe is dead. And slightly mangled. I wonder what mangled means. It sounds bad. There is the "Slighty Mangled Zoo Animals" part. You may be wondering, dear reader, why the giraffe died. I killed it. It has no blood left. Why? Beacuse of the sequence of events that it started... I have no girlfriend anymore. But I am incredibly rich beyond my wildest dreams. It is time that I bring my story to a close. And I will do so by reminding that bribes coming from a vampire who is rich beyond his wildest dreams can carry a lot of weight. And I AM a convicted zoo felon. Copyright 2004 Vlad Edited July 7, 2004 by Vlad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reverie Posted November 1, 2002 Report Share Posted November 1, 2002 hmmm, is like unto a tripping Douglas ADams at Mighty pythons flying circus... while conversing with the writer of the farside on crack.... good job... i think... revery the dreamlost... "um, okay" the dream continues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyvern Posted November 3, 2002 Report Share Posted November 3, 2002 As midnight falls upon the zoo where the giraffe had been slain, and the last of the mourning zoo keepers have departed from the animal's burial mound, a deathly silence falls over the creatures of the zoo... The orangutans stop their quiet chatterings, the parrots cease their mimickings of zoo keeper cursing, and even the rats secretly residing in the zoo's public cafeteria stop their squeakings. The entire area is enveloped in a long moment of eerie and unnatural silence... Then, the silence is broken by a stir in the giraffes burial mound. This is followed by another stir, and then a sudden eruption from the ground. For the moment, the full moon shining brightly in the night sky is silhouetted by the body of an horrendous giraffe... The neck and head aren't present in this silhouette, however, as the giraffes neck had been mangled by Vlad the Imploder previously, and the poor undead animal was forced to drag his neck across the ground as he walked... The giraffe's broken bones made it impossible for him to lift it... Bent on revenge against his murderer, the giraffe begins hobbling slowly towards the Pen, tripping over his neck ever so often in the process. Due to his slow speed and lack of stealth, by the time the giraffe has finally arrived at the outskirts of the great writer's guild, the Sun has almost begun to come up over the horizon. Fortunatly for the giraffe, the Elder of Initiates had not gotten to Vlad's application yet, and the Vlad the Imploder still sat waiting patiently in an applicant easy chair located in the Recruiter's Office... Feeling the presence of the vampire that had murdered him previously and bloodthirsty for revenge, the giraffe hobbles over to the area directly outside of the rear window of the Recruiter's Office... Positioning itself directly in front of the rear window and unspotted by anyone inside of the Office, the undead giraffe attempts to kick it's neck in order to get it's head to crash through the window and attack Vlad. The giraffe misses the window numerous times in trying to do so, however, due to it's poor aim, as it's head is lying on the ground and can't accurately see where it's being kicked... Eventually, the giraffe manages to kick it's neck in a manner that causes it's head to crash through the window, but it only when the Sun has fully risen... Thus, no sooner has the giraffes head and neck crashed through the window then they disintigrate into dust... As Wyvern enters the Office and hands Vlad back his application with the word "ACCEPTED" stamped on it, the overgrown lizard looks around the office and notices that it's a mess of dust and shattered glass. Grumbeling and seating himself at his desk, the Elder of Initiates makes a note to complain to Melba about her lack of efficient cleaning... ;p OOC: An ACCEPTED application, Vlad. Welcome to the Mighty Pen! I'll send you the password info and such ASAP. ------------------------------ Almost a Dragon... "My life is one big crime, I try to scheme through it." -Common, "The 6th Sense" Owner of the Decanter of Endless Booze. Edited by: Wyvern00 at: 11/3/02 12:20:48 am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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