DL_Snake Posted October 19, 2015 Report Share Posted October 19, 2015 (edited) Hey guys, been awhile since I last visited. Wrote this for a dear friend who's caught between her love, and her ailing mother who may leave this world at any time. Loosely halloween themed, written in the style of syllables with no real rhyme or rhytm. Enjoy, if you would, critique, if you could. A moon full Lit rustling leaves Two snouts sniff One grey, one peeved Eagles soar With golden wings Howling wolves Share smiling grins Grey pushes The other stays Nips and fangs Still she’s at bay Majesty Of golden flight Awaits her With silent might Growls the grey Bitten through fur Yelp! Anguish It stared. Whimper Furtively She pads farther Looking back Grey is further A welcome Greets yon eagle Wings embrace Lost wolfen pup Away pads Now content Grey Lost in dreams Of yesterday. Edited October 31, 2015 by DL_Snake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peredhil Posted October 21, 2015 Report Share Posted October 21, 2015 It is a bit like a Nordic chant, but you lost the 3/4/3/4 syllable count a few times. "She stares, whimpers" is a correct four count, but something about the plural leaves the tongue in the wrong mouth placement to feel comfortable. I'm not certain of a fix, perhaps changing out the "she" to allow a singular active phrase. [x] stare, whimper. Hmmm, Maybe it's the soft syllables of whimper after the hard stare. *Polite Hugs* Good to see you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL_Snake Posted October 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2015 Hey peredhil! long time! *hugs back* hmmm can't find the other parts where i missed the 3/4 rhytm, but thanks for your suggeston. You're right, it does sound better with a neutral pronoun. gonna edit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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